A man’s tweet about being blocked on Grindr has prompted much comment online.
David (@homesweethomo), 26, is based in Orlando, Florida. In late 2018, he was diagnosed HIV positive. Last month, he went public with the information by posting to social media to let his friends and followers know.
Although on medication and undetectable, David has found that HIV stigma remains rampant among some sections of society – including other gay guys. This week he posted about being blocked on Grindr.
Well I was excited to hook up with someone then when I told them I was undetectable they blocked me ? the kicker is they’re on prep!!! I’m tired.
— david (@homesweethomo) September 17, 2019
“Well I was excited to hook up with someone then when I told them I was undetectable they blocked me ? the kicker is they’re on prep!!! I’m tired.”
How about we take this to the next level?
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Related: Watch: Gareth Thomas gets emotional learning undetectable = untransmittable
If someone is HIV positive, on medication and consistently undetectable, there is zero risk of them passing on the virus during sex, with or without condoms. This is the basis of the U=U (Undetectable = Untransmittable) campaign.
PrEP is highly effective at ensuring someone who is HIV negative stays that way. In fact, a recent Australian safe sex campaign highlighted how PrEP was more effective than condoms.
And of course, there’s nothing stopping you using condoms, too.
Clearly, lots of gay guys still haven’t got the memo. David told Queerty this was not the first time this had happened. And it’s hurtful and exhausting.
“I’ve gotten into conversations with people who were on PrEP that immediately went from being interested to not interested. Getting blocked is usually more frequent, though.
“Dealing with stigma is perhaps the worst part of being HIV+, especially when it’s people on PrEP, since that is exactly what their medication is there for: the prevention of HIV.
“The U=U message is very common, yet not completely understood by everyone, and we need members of the community to keep pushing that message. I believe the stigma has lessened since, say, five years ago, but we are nowhere near where we need to be with regards to the acceptance of HIV+ individuals.”
Some people suggested David doesn’t tell potential partners of his status.
To be fair I don’t know why you need to tell people you’re undetectable. It’s up to the individual to make sure they’re taking the correct precautions before sex with another person. I’m sure he didn’t think twice when fucking in the darkroom last weekend with an anonymous guy
— dLdaddyXXX (@d_ldaddy) September 18, 2019
However, as David reminded them, it’s illegal to fail to disclose one’s HIV status in Florida if asked (as it is in several other US states).
Most commentators were supportive and told David he’d dodged a bullet. Others shared similar experiences.
I’m sorry, people are the worst. I’ve had way too many guys (on and off PrEP) block me or freak out. Just before I left NYC a guy who was on PrEP and knew I was undetectable freaked out after via text and asked if he should go get PEP too just in case.
— Colin ???? (@AnthGeek) September 18, 2019
I’ve had that happen. I was told he took prep to “prevent accidental contamination from like you, not so I can willingly have sex with people like you.” You don’t need that negativity, hookup or not.
— Justin Lavalle (@_JustinLavalle) September 18, 2019
That happens an awful lot matey. Declaring you are undetectable, and therefore considerably safer than someone who hasn’t been tested, seems to be a deal breaker – nowt so queer as folk!
— Chafford BB xxx (@doug_xxx) September 18, 2019
WTF?!? Sorry that happened to ya. His loss, even if it was just a hook up. Sometimes i just don’t understand people. What rock does he live under. ??????? pic.twitter.com/R0hEVQOFKJ
— gabriel. (@onemoregabriel) September 18, 2019
Related: 4 ways to reject someone on a dating app rather than ignoring them
Matthew Hodson, director of HIV information organization NAM, told Queerty, “When someone is on effective HIV treatment there’s zero risk of sexual transmission.
“PrEP alone is more than 99% effective.
“It’s frankly absurd for anyone on PrEP to think that rejecting someone who is open about their HIV status is a better strategy for preventing HIV. Someone who is undiagnosed, and unable to disclose, is likely to have a much higher viral load and so be more likely to pass the virus on.
“Sadly, all too often, lingering, outdated fears trump scientific understanding.
“HIV has changed. When treated we have equal life expectancy. The ignorance and prejudice we still face is now one of the greatest challenges for people with HIV.”
Chrisk
Let me get this straight. They’re doing PrEP so they can bareback but prefer not knowing or being lied too. Sadly even talking about HIV is a real boner killer for allot of guys.
That or they’re just not being honest about being on PrEP. The same ones that only require the “are you clean” and wala. No condoms.
WashDrySpin
I think they are lying about being on PreP
One of the other things is that many gay men think that those who are HIV+ acquired it because they were on some drug induced binder…when the #1 reason for infection post the AIDS epidemic is misplaced trust in another person to get tested and disclose their status…
BradyKing1451
Let me get this straight. They’re doing PrEP….- Nothing to add But i am here not only to discuss this article but I would like to share with you new but really great website for gay singles only. It is still private, but you can find it easy. Use the most famous search engine to find it: “LGsemwWCZ5SJfugu6lu1368350” .
Catholicslutbox
people lie about being on prep, just like people lie about being neg.
No one should feel pressured to have sex with someone +, just because it’s the “pc” thing to do.
Grow up, get over it, move on.
I’m sure the + guys do the same to fats and fems.
FranciscoJones1187
Let me get this straight. They’re doing PrEP….- You are really right But i am here not only to discuss this article but I would like to share with you new but really great website for gay singles only. It is still private, but you can find it easy. Use the most famous search engine to find it: “ke8abLosAfugu6lu3732349” .
Cam
Catholicslutbox is poundme2’s new screename.
EmmanuelAlexander1347
Let me get this straight. They’re doing PrEP….- Real truth But i am here not only to discuss this article but I would like to share with you new but really great site for gay singles only. It is still private, but you can find it easy. Use the most famous search engine to find it: “rGFhiobrEYFLedLuaUfugu6lu2725132” .
Man About Town
I might be in a small minority for saying this, but frankly I think it’s insanely inappropriate to announce your HIV status on social media “to let your friends and followers know.” IMO a person’s status is private and personal and should be disclosed discreetly to friends and potential sexual partners one at a time, face to face, not as a public announcement. The fact that David chose to do so yielded inevitable results. But then I suppose I need to remind myself of the zeitgeist we’re currently living in.
WashDrySpin
David and many others are removing the stigma and announcing that they adhere to their medication schedule and are therefore undetectable and SCIENTISTS all over the world thru studies that involved tens of thousands of gays and straights participating in various forms of sex where one partner is undetectable and the other not any form of PreP and did not use condoms there were ZERO transmissions…
PS…those who did contract HIV were found to NOT have been infected by their partners who were undetectable
Brian
I was thinking the same thing. Then again, I also wouldn’t be broadcasting my failed or successful Grindr hookups to the world either. You don’t have to treat either like they’re something to be ashamed of, but jeez, it’s certainly not something that everyone in your life should hear about.
niles
How exactly do you know if someone is following their drug protocol? The answer is you don’t. One can proclaim science science science to the four winds forever, but they are still infected and can potentially pass the infection on to others. It is insane to shame people for attempting to protect their own health, something that these aggrieved parties suffering from so-called discrimination have been unable or unwilling to do. Yes we know it’s a drag dealing with a life long potentially fatal condition, but that is why everyone from A to Z has been attempting for years to educate people about how to avoid it, apparently to deaf ears.
Chrisk
As Washdryspin said this is about taking away the stigmata to counter assholes like yourself who want only shame.
Brian
Stigmata?
neilusd
I have a feeling there is more to this story than he said. Perhaps the other guy said he still wanted to use a condom because of the risk of other STIs but he refused. PREP doesn’t stop you catching other things.
Chrisk
That’s about 100% unlikely in my Grindr experiences.
frankcar1965
So what? You don’t hear the constant blathering about STI’s from the Heteros do you? The bitch just takes a pill and then gets creamed in her Hoo-Ha and loves it.
Curtispsf
I remember the “good old days” when guys assumed their partner was negative so long as HIV was NOT DISCUSSED before sex. Bring back the old days. NOT !
Rock-N-RollHS
IF you are looking for “social justice” on Grindr, being blocked is the least of your troubles.
Put your energy into grassroots politics and accept grinder for the dirty little psychic Id that it is.
(btw, the “excited to hook up with somebody” line either suggests he is 12 years old or full of it; as if he can’t get laid by someone else)
lkembear
lets be honest. if being blocked by someone on grindr brings you this much trauma, you need to get a life
yes there is HIV discrimination, just as there are those who discriminate against chubs, bears, blacks, latins, asians, whites, gingers … it goes on and on … be glad to avoid someone who does not want to interact with you and stop whining
Chrisk
Understand your point but I think this is more about the message then the whining.
Gabby
I am young very fit guy and I can’t not imagine ever using the internet to have sex. I am not judging those that do but I just can’t imagine just having random sex with some person I just met online. I love sex and love having it but I am not going to put chemicals into my body to prevent me from getting HIV because of my risky behavior. I feel I was meant to be born into another time.
Chrisk
Yes maybe you were. Ha. Just realize not everyone has those options. If you’re not say young, fit or just have good access to sex which usually those types do the sites are a good way to meet people.
frankcar1965
Your Mammy had risky sex too, and I bet she didn’t always use a condom either. She liked getting her snatch filled, why are gays any different?
ShowMeGuy
People : “Take responsibility for your sexual health.”
So some people take responsibility by limiting their exposure to an incurable, potentially fatal infection.
People : “That’s discrimination”.
If we had been fetishizing condom use from the start of the epidemic there would be a bunch of men who would still be alive today and maybe a bunch of today’s 22 year-olds would not be HIV positive.
Chrisk
Except they’re going to expose themselves no matter what. They’re not taking PrEP just to wear condoms and just f*ck here and there after all. At least here they knew exactly what they were exposing themselves too. This was more about don’t ask me and don’t tell me or you’ll get blocked.
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
Some people never seem to get the memo that everyone is entitled to connect with only those they want to. Because you are interested in a guy, that doesn’t mean they are obligated to respond in kind. They owe you no explanation. I tried being nice to unwanted messages and most of the time was met with hostility. I met a guy on a dating site, we had a month of excellent dates then suddenly he went radio silent. I couldn’t understand why. Finally he told me he was falling for me, was HIV positive and was afraid I would reject him. I told him it’s really not an issue, we had seven amazing years together.
If someone blocks you they owe you NO explanation, put on your big boy pants and move on.
Vince
Geez. He’s young, good looking, and very fit. Wait till he’s on the north side of 40. They won’t even bother asking about your status. Then you’ll see what real discrimination is. Lol
Seriously were really not much a community anymore. Some common interests is about it.
uncz1978
Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time
Bulovaboy
Just a small little note, A lot of People who say there on Prep are not on Prep Hence the block, It’s a lure to find out which people are Positive and which are not. Yes Society is Stupid. Peace.
Sister Bertha Bedderthanyu
From the article: “However, as David reminded them, it’s illegal to fail to disclose one’s HIV status in Florida if asked (as it is in several other US states).”
Ok, this is what bothers me about this. How do you PROVE you were/weren’t asked about your status and how do you prove you disclosed it? Do you send a text message to each other disclosing it so that neither side can claim otherwise? Do you send a registered letter? A telegram? Pull out your cell phone and video tape it and post it on youtube? I mean really, it just doesn’t seem worth the hassle. If they said you can’t be on their website then move on to another that does allow you to tell people the truth in print. I don’t think I would care if I were in his situation and personally I thought it foolish the way he announced it. He had to know what the response would be and now I’m wondering did he do it to garner sympathy or a reality tv show about online hookups (on has to be just around the corner).
frankcar1965
That is what people are doing sending texts or recording the person saying they know that the potential partner knows. People will lie and say no one told them, it happens all the time. Or just hook up with other poz people and do not risk the liers who may just get it later themselves anyway.
cwaigy
Why are these guys on PreP and blocking guys with an undetectable viral load? They are either terrified and paranoid about converting to a positive status, not taking PREP, or lying about their status and thus being unsafe, or are being dangerously careless and putting others at risk whether deliberate or not! Nevertheless these guys are NOT being honest and could potentially be breaking the law!
Brian
So according to this article, you’re a horrible person for blocking someone who is poz because it should be no big deal. But scroll up a few articles and we get the heroic story of queer eye Jonathan telling the world he’s poz. Ya think it’s stories like that one that might be contributing to people not wanting to hook up with poz guys?
Pick a side Queerty.
Kangol2
@Brian, You seem not to grasp the point you’re trying to make. The baseline is continuing poz-phobia.
So: even though it should not be a big deal to be HIV+/PWA, in reality it still is, which is why it is significant when famous people, like Gareth Thomas (who clearly also was very uninformed about HIV), Jonathan Van Ness, etc. come out as HIV+.
Also: even though it should not be a big deal to be HIV+/PWA, you still have people on apps like Grindr who, though claiming to be on PrEP, which would prevent HIV transmission and seroconversion if they had raw sex with the HIV+ person, blocking and rejecting the HIV+ person as if PrEP did not work at all. Simply put, if you’re on PrEP, why are you worried about your raw sex partner having HIV? If you’re not on PrEP, that’s another matter, though you’d still could use condoms.
Do you now get how the issue isn’t with Queerty? In fact they’ve been quite consistent on this issue.
Brian
I grasp the point just fine. Yes, becoming HIV positive is a big deal. And because it is, there should NEVER be any second guessing of someone who chooses not to have sex with a poz person. Even if you’re on pRep, which has been pointed out here many, many times, is not 100% foolproof. Your life, your health, your choice.
So no, Queerty is not at all being consistent when they run these kind of shaming articles. In fact, it’s really horrifying that they would take any stance other than that everybody has the absolute right to make whatever decisions they want about their own sex life, period, full stop, no qualifiers.
Now if the issue is manners on hookup apps, that’s another story. And the answer to that story is don’t be stupid enough to expect any, just consider it a bonus when it happens.
uncz1978
I live in an area where gay men are as bad as straight women.
Their profiles on Grindr sound good but no one will respond.
I’m not going to waste my time on them.
Aires the Ram
@uncz1978, As I have said in previous threads discussing the pros & cons of hook-up apps, that there is something to be said for taking a shower and getting cleaned up and presentable on Friday or Saturday night, getting in your car and driving to a local (or not so local) bar where you may have a chance to meet people and potentially get laid. This whole thing of connecting on an app, sight unseen, and one of you says, “wanna come over right now and hook up?” gives me the creeps. If I’m going to hook up with someone, I want to see them in the flesh, see how they treat other people, listen to them, talk to them at least a little bit, and THEN determine if there’s some chemistry there to make me or them even WANT to have sex with them. That’s just me, but we’ve had on-line hook-up availability for 20 years now, and I haven’t changed my mind yet.
Rex Huskey
that’s life… that’s what all the people say…. riding high in april, shot down in may.
if you get the bug, bad on you. yes BAD on you. take your meds and retire for sexual conquests!
Tombear
Are you guys aware that PreP has horrible contraindications
frankcar1965
Yes just like almost ALL meds, what’s your point? Women have been taking the Pill since 1960 and there are MANY side effects from it too. And they’re not about to stop taking them either.
Godabed
I am negative, i’ve had sexual encounters with prep users and hiv positive men who were undetectable. I can honestly say the ppl on Prep who bareback tend to be assholes. Especially if you bring condoms up in a conversation, then they want to throw around terms like slut-shaming. Which is just dumb. I haven’t met one person who’s had more sex than me. Not bragging, just a fact. Sluts don’t have shame. I don’t.
I would rather date or hookup with a POS undetectable over a Prep user anyday. POS men are generally more sensitive and aware of sexual situations and mature about it. I can only speak from my experience so this is not a blanket statement for everyone.
Bob LaBlah
In 2020 a very promising AIDS vaccine is going into test phase. It has shown much progress and this time around they just might have nailed it. There is also talk of making the anti viral drugs available at prices nearly ninety percent less than what their current costs are. Its clear the powers that be have decided that no matter what people are not going to used raincoats for a variety of reasons. The main reason is most guys can not maintain an erection with a condom. I never cared for condoms for that very reason.
Jeton Ademaj
what a fascinating set of comments. as an openly HIV positive man who helped organize and lead ACT UP NY’s first PrEP/nPEP protests back in the Summer of 2013, which got health departments moving on chemoprophylaxis and biomedical prevention after years of ignoring it, I can’t say anything here surprises me.
some thoughts:
condoms were aggressively fetishized, but unfortunately they were more aggressively enforced. given that they have scarcely improved in the last 40 years, the aggressive activist enforcement simply helped make condoms cool as SJW holy totems and uncool as sexual devices. the only kind of condom use that really protects you is wearing them at ALL times for ALL encounters. no more than 15% of queer men ever did that. not fifty…fifteen. biomedical prevention (HIV drugs as Tx for HIV+ people and as PrEP/nPEP for HIV- people is far more effective and more forgiving of slip ups.
I always expected that responsible sluts and snotty superprudes would be the early adopters of PrEP, and this article validates that.
I’ve been ranting about U=u since before that phrase existed, back when almost every SJW queer activist was ranting about the “irresponsibility” of the Swiss Statement back in early 2008. it’s been a year at most since the CDC finally backed U=u, so it’s going to take some time for the message to soak in. arguing about unfairness and civil rights does exactly nothing to get people to lower their guard when facing the perceived biohazard of HIV.
THEY ARE RIGHT TO BE SCARED, HIV SUCKS TO HAVE. There is only so much one can destigmatize one of the deadliest viruses humanity will ever know, and the meds are indeed a lifesaving blessing but also a ball and chain. period.
while condoms and PrEP/nPEP are things an ostensibly HIV- person can tangibly control, U=u/”undetectable viral load” is something an HIV- person can only take on faith, often from strangers online. it’s always going to be silly to expect them to make that leap, tho thankfully many do.
what remains critical and is not achieved is to find *credible* ways of “proving” one’s suppressed viral load to others. unfortunately the Leftist political contagion in queer politics remains the biggest obstacle to that.
queer SJW activists keep expecting “conventions of distrust” to rule (“assume everyone is poz and own your status”) yet have ZERO idea how to address the criminalization and stigma that inevitably result.
that big change in California’s HIV criminalization recently? expect that to be reversed, their HIV rates are going up.
you can’t lecture away biohazard, nor perceived biohazard.
Bob LaBlah
Interesting manifest you wrote there. After reading it I leave seriously doubting that an angry frustrated queen could have said what you just said any better.
Jeton Ademaj
that was a pretty vacuous reply, but your other comments are similar….so, no offense taken. 🙂
Bob LaBlah
Act 2:
(Bob LaBlah Curtsying to the queen): Your grace.
davidf73
Love the honesty in your post, too many SJW’s keyboard warriors post either self-interested rants, or self righteous accusations of which for most of them, if the truth was known about their own behavior when in the same situation would expose them as frauds.
I have not turned down Poz guys based on their status, however if they insist on making a decision to BB based on their stated status, I would probably decline them, or even block them if i their reply including making their UVL status the issue instead of owning up to their reluctance to use condoms.
i am still at a loss as to why the distinction between a guy you don’t know, of whom everyone is when you first meet them. It is well known some guys will do anything to keep a potential barrier to sex away from the conversation, so why should people think that being Undetectable is any different? All the science on UVL is based on couples. In other words, were the the HIV Negative person has the opportunity to verify their partners medication adherence and general health status.
Regarding the Profile acronym DDF, I am still somewhat taken-back as to why the first part has not been acknowledged as a factor, that of Drugs. Some people don’t PnP and it is well known that HIV Poz (including Undetectable Guys) have higher addiction rates the HIV Negative men. It is just fact. Also for whatever reason people choose not to be on Prep, lecturing them about it as a comeback to someone unwilling to have sex with Poz Guys who are undetectable is not appropriate.
To my way of thinking, the message of U=U has resonated with those people who have had Poz Partners or who have had good interactions with Poz men previously. That Slim majority who are not in that category, they are suspicious and want to protect themselves and no amount of lecturing will change that, ever. It will though do the opposite especially when they see messages saying ‘safe to have unprotected sex with someone saying they have a undetectable viral load than someone saying they are HIV Negative’. That statement while well meaning, is not based on science, it’s based on a decision by sexual health promoters that by encouraging suspicion of a declared Undetectable status will undermine the who message about it’s safety and it is very flawed and entrenching stigma, not removing it. All declared HIV statuses should be viewed as status Unknown if you are the new partner and appropriate pre-cautions taken. I am not sure other than self interest (people who insist on BB sex and are Poz UVL or actively seek Poz partners) why this simple matter has not been cleared up long ago. As soon as it does, the changes will happen
DCFarmboy
All that being said, no one is ever obligated to have sex with someone else. They should be polite when declining an offer, but they are free to have their own reasons.
Mr_Brightside89
Undetectable or not, surely we can’t deny somebody the right to choose whether or not to sleep with somebody who is HIV+. If I’ve got the choice between 2 guys, one who is HIV- and one who is HIV+, I’m going to choose the HIV-, undetectable or not. Also, you have to trust that the person is telling the truth about being undetectable and you have to consider that the undetectable status is only 100% certain at the time of their last test. What if their treatment becomes ineffective? What if they are untruthful? My decision to “not take the risk” has less to do with upholding a stigma and more to do with trust in a complete stranger.
inbama
Why would anyone believe a complete stranger in regard to HIV status?
frankcar1965
Exactly!
djmcgamester
PrEP or not, the undetectable thing is what’s really the important part. I have dated poz guys before who were undetectable. With one of them we were inconsistent with condom usage, and this was in the days before PrEP existed. I never got infected. Not in any way advocating this behavior but if you’re actually concerned then put on a condom. You really can have great sex with a condom. It also opens you up to some great guys you might otherwise never meet.