Hi Jake,
I have been sober for 18 months now after spending all of my 20s and most of my 30s partying way too hard. Now I feel like I’m playing catch-up, and it sucks.
Even though I finished college, I never landed on a career path I was excited about, mostly because I was more excited about going out every single night for 15+ years. So I have a lot of random retail experience, but no marketable skills. I also didn’t bother creating a retirement account until just this year, so I’m very behind on that.
When it comes to relationships, I can’t remember the last time I went on a date, although I haven’t really been putting myself out there much. Honestly, I’m less concerned about that part, since my focus has been on my sobriety. But it’s hard not to feel sometimes like I’m super far behind in life compared to friends my age. They all have careers and families and own homes… and some even have kids!
Getting sober was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and the best decision I’ve ever made, and I’m totally committed to it. Equally as hard, however, is essentially being a middle-aged man with the resources and experiences of a college student. Nobody I know really understands that part of the struggle.
I feel like I’m so behind on “adulting” and wondering if I’ll ever make up for lost time. Am I alone in this?
Fashionably Late
Dear Fashionably Late,
Getting sober is a huge, huge accomplishment, and you should feel really proud of yourself. It can be really easy to fall into a life of partying as a queer person, and a lot harder to crawl out of it. Drinking and drugs are entrenched in gay culture, and temptations are everywhere. Add to that our trauma of growing up feeling marginalized or taught to be ashamed about who we are and it’s no wonder we seek escape.
When we fall too far down that rabbit hole, it can definitely wreak havoc on our stability in the world, and it can feel like we haven’t been prioritizing the things we’re supposed to. After all, when you’re lining up your party favors for 4th of July in P-town, you’re not exactly focussing on which index fund you should be contributing to.
The important part is that you’ve realized the negative impacts of your lifestyle, and were willing to seek help and make change, which takes a whole lot of bravery. This is what your main focus should be on, rather than beating yourself up for the past.
Don’t forget: The wild nights of debauchery and escape probably served you psychologically or emotionally in some way, shielding you from emotional pain until you were ready. Now you’ve acknowledged that substances are actually harming you more than they’re helping, so you can begin a new path.
It can feel like there’s a lot of pressure when it comes creating a “successful” life, especially with social media painting a picture of everyone’s idyllic (but curated) existence. That said, everyone’s path is different, and there is no timeline that everyone must adhere to. We all have an individual set of circumstances, traumas, advantages, and disadvantages that make our paths unique. It’s hard, but try not to compare yourself to others around you.
I once heard an expert in LGBTQ+ psychology say that if you’re gay, you should deduct 10 years off your age when assessing where you should be in your life development, as compared to your hetero friends and colleagues. For example, if you’re 40, you should only be expected to be where your average 30-year old is, instead of comparing yourself to your 40-year-old straight friends.
Why? Because it’s impossible for us to not have a late start in our personal development, considering so many of us spend years repressing who we really are. It’s really only when we come out as queer that our personal journey begin. Only then do we begin to experiment with things, make mistakes and fail, and learn what we like and don’t like.
Buying a house, getting married, accumulating a large 401K, and even having kids does not an adult make. Maturity is about being willing to understand ourselves better so that we can be the best person we can be today (sometimes with the help of an LGBTQ+ therapist). If you can do the best you can, one day at a time, eventually you’ll find yourself in pretty good shape.
Just like Alice teaches the white rabbit when he anxiously mutters, “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!”, we must ultimately learn the adult world and its rules are often absurd, arbitrary, and nonsensical. By forging our unique path at the pace meant for us, we can create our own Wonderland.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
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ZzBomb
Conversely, I have friends now who weren’t much of partiers in their 20’s but are now circuit party goers in their late 30’s early 40’s and when I see the pictures on social media I’m like: “How do they have the energy for that anymore?”
If I’m awake to see 11pm, that’s late for me. LOL
Good on this guy for getting sober tho! That is a big accomplishment.
inbama
Glad to see some acknowledgement from LGBTQIA+ media that it takes time for gays and lesbians to find themselves.
More often these days, we’re told that three-year-olds have all the answers.
Bromancer7
Probably not, but there is no timetable. Everyone evolves and grows at their own pace, and that’s fine.
Fahd
Addiction is very powerful, and he needs to keep working day by day on his sobriety. To me, this thinking about “oh, it’s too late for me”; “oh, I’ll never catch up”, etc. is just the psychological addiction rearing its ugly head.
On account of his addiction, part of him is trying to find reasons (excuses) as to why he should give up on working on his sobriety and just go back to being addicted. The personal psychological conflict of giving up a substance to which one is addicted works that way. The devil on his one shoulder is telling him there’s no hope anyway, so go back to the stuff.
I say, be strong and continue to take sobriety one day at a time. There may be exceptions, but almost universally a sober life will be more rewarding than being controlled by an addictive substance.
tomamundo
Si!
samsanvoyager
I’m in complete disagreement with any blanket statement, particularly this nonsense that you have to subtract 10 years to the development of a gay person. Bullshit! I was born on an island, relegated U.S. territory with an average annual income of half of the poorest state on the mainland and beaten up for decades by natural, sociopolitical and economic disasters, into a cult-practicing family that didn’t celebrate birthdays or Xmas (you know those crazies who knock on doors), subject to all kinds of abuse, isolated from mainstream US culture, learned English as a second language later in life, barely got my college education (against the church’s will) with no support from my family and made way out of that situation. After a very brief stint in Canada, working for a major global company, I eventually made it to the U.S. mainland awhere I got into an unhealthy, toxic relationship for 22 years and had to deal with my own issues with drugs and alcohol. However, I eventually made it to the topmost role in my line of work, bought a condo, retired early, started working again for another organization (the workplace of my dreams), left this 22-year toxic relationship, sold the property, bought a new one, left this organization worked for another major brand, got COVID (landed in the hospital, almost died!), recovered, fell in love with a foreigner 17 years my junior, got married, invested in my husband’s business, launched 5 more businesses in the last two years and I’m living my best life. Get your act together, my dearies, I know it’s hard, but not impossible.
P.S. Dear Fashinably Late, congratulations on getting sober, keep it up. Now put your big person garment on, make up for all the fun you had – which you can still have by the way! Between the clubs around the world I’ve danced in, the 400+ cities/50+ countries I’ve traveled to and the 200+ body count, I shouldn’t be where I am, but alas, I am. You can too. Good luck!
barryaksarben
You are far ahead of all the people who dies or are still doing drugs. I have known all kinds and I dont judge as long as they can support themselves and are not harming others so be proud and when you get antsy try to remember why you stopped and. read a good book go to a movie garden anything you can that will distract you and ease your mind. I admire. anyone who can do what you did. good on you
ghs8956
Honey if you got sober there’s no catching up for you,it’s them that need to catch up to you. Your a hell of a great guy to have got that under your belt.now built a great gay life that show all the gay drunks and there a lot of them out there who need to see what a great dry gay life looks like. Best wishes love and congratulations.
Thad
I’d love to have lunch with the original poster! It’d be fun to “compare notes” in a booze-free setting.
dman
I can relate to this, not so much from a substance abuse angle but from a self-esteem one. I spent way too much time in my past trying to accept my gay identity in a society that just wasn’t as welcoming as it is now and searching to find “the” relationship that would make me feel complete, and neglected so many more important aspects of my life. I realize now putting so much of an emphasis on finding another person and partying with other gay men in bars got me nowhere. I became a nurse in my 40’s and have just retired. I have a decent retirement, but could have had a much better one if I’d have gotten serious a lot sooner. I do think that younger gay men now have it a lot easier than we did in terms of self-acceptance… it took me a long time to really feel like being I was okay. I count myself lucky that I didn’t end up with an alcohol or drug problem, but I can really understand how this person feels about trying to “catch up.” I’ve been feeling that way for years, and thought no one else felt that way, so this was helpful to read.
winemaker
What an awesome and timely article and on the cusp of a new year at that. As the old adage goes, ‘better late than never’ for self improvement. How many of us make New Years resolutions to improve our lives, eat healthier, find a job you love that pays well, meet someone on the same page as you who’s also goal oriented and has moved on from all the childish games that do nothing but waste valuable time? I can relate to some of these comments, having worked various low paying jobs that ended up being not a good fit, left one job and being out of work and struggling to find another job, ended up in the same predicament with the new job and behind in saving for retirement and the good things in life, owning a home, and saving and investing for the future. That said, I came out in my mid 20’s and at the time weighed over 350LBS. I never knew how much I actually weighed at my heaviest as home scales only go up to 300LB but doing the math of 7 Lb. per inch on the waist, and having a 54″ waist, = 378 LBS. Well when you’re gay, overweight and shy you have thick walls to crash through. I’d just come out, and started going to bars. Getting snide looks and rude comments from all of the men got me to join a gym, get fit and lose the weight that had me a prisoner for most of my life. Losing weight and keeping it off is no picnic, but I found a diet that worked for me and still pretty much works for me and over the years was a series of trial and error. I also realized that working out until you’re exhausted and starving only to fit in never works. Those men who reject you because you’re not their type, at the time for the most part, aren’t worth your time and energy as you’ll never please everyone and trying to do so is an exercise in futility. I also dumped lots of my so called ‘friends’ that looking back were toxic misfits that were going nowhere in life. Hopefully this posting motivates a few others to never give up and if it motivates at least one person, it’s been worth posting.