I’m really into this new guy, but his apartment grosses me out. What do I do?

Hi Jake,

I’m super into this new guy. We met on our gay pickleball league and I was instantly attracted to him. We vibed really well. He’s smart, sexy, witty, funny. The whole package!

Or, so I thought…

How about we take this to the next level?

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On our fourth date, we went back to his apartment afterwards. Let’s just say it was less than… swanky. I’m not really a snob about money, but this place was a disaster zone.

There were dirty clothes everywhere, dishes all over the counter, and clutter everywhere. But the worst of it was the smell. He had an aquarium and it reeked like the water hadn’t been changed in months.

He wanted me to spend the night, but I was so grossed out I made up a lie that I had to get up really early the next morning for a work meeting.

I’ve never encountered this before. What do you do if you really like someone, but you utterly despise where they live? Am I supposed to never go to this place, and always demand mine? Or is it simply doomed to fail?

Something Smells Fishy

Dear Something Smells Fishy,

It’s important to feel comfortable in your environment when you’re getting to know someone, so I hear your concern. “Aquarium Aisle at Petco” is certainly not the candle scent you might choose as you get romantic at your new guy’s place.

That said, I like to believe that if a connection is strong enough, it will surpass all logistics that might get in the way. No relationship is perfect, and there are usually things that might appear on paper to be barriers. Finding someone you connect with is rare, and if the chemistry is strong (which includes physical attraction, by the way), I recommend trying to honor that by working through the obstacles.

Especially as your relationship blossoms, you’ll want to set up the right conditions that support both of you being your most authentic selves. That way, you’ll have the best chance of seeing if this can go the long-haul. Feeling grossed out or uncomfortable is certainly not going to invite late-night sexy-time, deep chats about your hopes and fears, or learning about each other’s backgrounds.

Now comes the hard part. Overcoming challenges takes skillful communication. Hiding your concerns about his apartment isn’t going to work in the long run, because you’re keeping something from him, which only impedes intimacy.

It’s perfectly okay to express to your new guy that while you really like him, and are enjoying getting to know him, there are certain things that would make you feel more comfortable. Sometimes, it’s all about delivery. If you come across as criticizing, it can leave someone feeling judged or belittled, which won’t bring you closer. Instead, try to express your concerns as something you want to work through together, so that you can collaborate on a solution.

“I noticed a few things in your place could use some cleaning. I’m happy to help you with that!”, is going to land better than, “I don’t think I can stay at your place again, it’s disgusting.”

Think of it as a brainstorm, where you’re communicating your needs and concerns in a respectful way, in hopes of figuring out a solution. Ultimately, it may be that you do both agree to always hang at your place, and that’s actually fine for now. Or, you might be able to figure out how to make his place tolerable for you. There’s lots of possibilities, from hiring a maid, to throwing out the old fish tank, to buying a new mattress.

If you’re really feeling it, you wouldn’t want to dismiss the entire relationship without first trying to solve the issues. As the old cliche goes, “Don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater.”

Or the aquarium water… in your case.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.