A Reddit user had a particularly direct question for the other dudes in the r/AskGayMen community: “Do you f*ck your friends?”
He went on: “When I think of my friends, and I think of partners, one of the things that doesn’t overlap is the presence of sex. … I’m not trying to judge anyone, but I find it emotionally [overcomplicated] to be sexually [involved] with both your potential partner(s) and all of your so-called friends.”
After many others gave their two cents on the Reddit thread—some of which are yours for the reading below—the O.P. [the original poster] acknowledged that perhaps he just “attach[es] more to sex than it just being a fun act” and that “someone who views sex as less a novelty would find it fun and maybe even helpful to also be able to share that intimacy with friends.”
How about we take this to the next level?
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Check out these comments—which have been massaged for grammar and brevity—to see pros and cons detailed by those who would (or do) have friends with benefits and those who wouldn’t.
All in favor…
“The good part is, the fun is free … It can also deepen and add an extra layer to your friendships, too. But it’s certainly not for all, and the guys who feel jealousy or harbor trust issues should definitely avoid it until those are sorted.”
“Most of them, yeah. Hang out, play some board games, watch TV, make out a bit, suck some d*ck. A great evening all around, to be honest.”
“I would f*ck friends if I had friends, we were attracted to each other, could communicate, and had the same needs/interest. Why wouldn’t I f*ck my friends if we had all that going for us?”
“Yeah, many of my friendships include sex. Usually, I have met these people through sex first and then friendship developed, but not always. To me, sex is about connection, but that connection doesn’t need to be romantic. I enjoy these deep friendships. I have friends who don’t like having sex in the mix, and I respect that. To me, it doesn’t feel blurry because I communicate regularly with these friends about what we feel these relationships are. I only do this with people who can communicate effectively, because that does feel like a critical component.”
“Does swapping head count? Even then, it’s fairly limited, lol. I only play with you if I like you a lot and feel comfortable doing that.”
“Yes, if they’re into it. I love sex, and if my friends are horny, I’m ready to make sure they get what they need.”
“I don’t f*ck my friends. However, I do let them f*ck me.”
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All opposed…
“I don’t equate sexual relationships with romantic attachment, but sexual relationships and friendships are different things to me. Friends to me are people whom I’m not sexually attracted to, and I could not have sex with a friend unless I plan on taking the relationship somewhere else.”
“No. My sex/romantic life and my social life are two different things. Less complicated that way.”
“Definitely not. I don’t f*ck my friends. They’re friends and nothing more. Plenty of other people to f*ck—why would I mess with meaningful social relationships? Way too complicated and weird for any future potential partner.”
“To me? God no. Tried that, and it went horribly, since I got overly emotionally attached. The other guy, however, had apparently no issues with it, even later saying, ‘I don’t have a gay friend that I haven’t f*cked,’ which I think is a little messed up in its own right, to go that extreme.”
…and stray observations
“Generally, I think gay men—or maybe men—are conditioned a bit more to separate sex from deeper romantic intimacy and, as such, have sexual relationships on a spectrum from completely casual to deeply committed, sometimes at multiple points along that spectrum with different people.”
“Some people have difficulty decoupling sex from romantic attachment. Some people do not. For the latter group, it’s just sex and having fun. The point of friends is to have fun together, and this is just another type of fun you can have if you’re both amenable. I don’t have a lot of queer friends, so I can’t speak to how common it actually is, but I do feel like queer folks are more likely to fall into this group as part of our rebellion against a heteronormative society.”
Related*
Gay guys explain how they landed their friends-with-benefits
Adding certain benefits to friendships can be an awkward endeavor.
KissBananaPeels
Many gay friendships are built on:
1. we slept together and It is over but we are cool
2. we have not slept together but he is HOT so it might happen
3. we slept together and one or both want it to happen again
Friendships that include sex is NOT a friendship…you know it and I know it…it is a place holder and it is a way to have a FB on demand..call it that and stop all the sex positive BS talk…part of being sex positive is also being HONEST and so MANY gay men are NOT…
There is so much sex and then friendship that it can be problematic…many gay men think they can handle it but alas many are blinded by it and miss opportunities to get what they say they “really” want…
Chrisk
I think when your younger sex and friendships often go hand in hand. They sure did with me. I made allot of long term friend’s through sex. Even after we stopped messing around.
Then I got older and that stuff waned for me. I have a more diverse group of friend’s now. I like my life the way it is but I sure don’t judge others for following a different path.
dbmcvey
Depends on you and the friend. I have good friends that started that way, although we became friends after sleeping together.
bachy
I engage with a wide range of people for friendship: similar interests, complementary sense of humor, great conversationalists… and in some cases just because we’re next-door neighbors.
But if I share a sexual attraction with someone, it usually starts out as a “dating” arrangement, not a simple “friendship.”
GayEGO
I had a relationship with my partner of 57 years, married 15 years. Sex is usually for single guys who just want sex or others who have sex occasionally, after all, guys don’t get pregnant!
Aaronmeister
In the eighties, we had a saying in San Francisco ‘If you can’t f**k your friends who can you f**k?’ Kind of sums up my thoughts on this topic…
nm4047
Horses for courses. If it happens, great if not, not a problem. Fuc# buddies and friendships come and go truly enduring friendships are the hardest to find/keep
myloginname
My closest friend of nearly 20 years and I had sex. It had been brewing. Well, it was the worst sex I have ever had. And about 2 months later our friendship completely ended.
bachy
Relatable.
sfhairy
As someone in the fisting community, I find that my fist partners have become friends and friends with benefits because of the intimacy involved in fisting. I value and cherish my friendship with these guys and how connected it has allowed me to be with them. And most of these guys are married and their partners are fine with that intimacy and level of friendship.
Consider This
If one has sex with a close long-term friend and that friend was harboring an STD he passed along your way, what would happen to the friendship after that? I wonder…