Is sex with friends a bad idea? Here’s what queer men had to say

A Reddit user had a particularly direct question for the other dudes in the r/AskGayMen community: “Do you f*ck your friends?”

He went on: “When I think of my friends, and I think of partners, one of the things that doesn’t overlap is the presence of sex. … I’m not trying to judge anyone, but I find it emotionally [overcomplicated] to be sexually [involved] with both your potential partner(s) and all of your so-called friends.”

After many others gave their two cents on the Reddit thread—some of which are yours for the reading below—the O.P. [the original poster] acknowledged that perhaps he just “attach[es] more to sex than it just being a fun act” and that “someone who views sex as less a novelty would find it fun and maybe even helpful to also be able to share that intimacy with friends.”

How about we take this to the next level?

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Check out these comments—which have been massaged for grammar and brevity—to see pros and cons detailed by those who would (or do) have friends with benefits and those who wouldn’t.

All in favor…

“The good part is, the fun is free … It can also deepen and add an extra layer to your friendships, too. But it’s certainly not for all, and the guys who feel jealousy or harbor trust issues should definitely avoid it until those are sorted.”

“Most of them, yeah. Hang out, play some board games, watch TV, make out a bit, suck some d*ck. A great evening all around, to be honest.”

“I would f*ck friends if I had friends, we were attracted to each other, could communicate, and had the same needs/interest. Why wouldn’t I f*ck my friends if we had all that going for us?”

“Yeah, many of my friendships include sex. Usually, I have met these people through sex first and then friendship developed, but not always. To me, sex is about connection, but that connection doesn’t need to be romantic. I enjoy these deep friendships. I have friends who don’t like having sex in the mix, and I respect that. To me, it doesn’t feel blurry because I communicate regularly with these friends about what we feel these relationships are. I only do this with people who can communicate effectively, because that does feel like a critical component.”

“Does swapping head count? Even then, it’s fairly limited, lol. I only play with you if I like you a lot and feel comfortable doing that.”

“Yes, if they’re into it. I love sex, and if my friends are horny, I’m ready to make sure they get what they need.”

“I don’t f*ck my friends. However, I do let them f*ck me.”

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All opposed…

“I don’t equate sexual relationships with romantic attachment, but sexual relationships and friendships are different things to me. Friends to me are people whom I’m not sexually attracted to, and I could not have sex with a friend unless I plan on taking the relationship somewhere else.”

“No. My sex/romantic life and my social life are two different things. Less complicated that way.”

“Definitely not. I don’t f*ck my friends. They’re friends and nothing more. Plenty of other people to f*ck—why would I mess with meaningful social relationships? Way too complicated and weird for any future potential partner.”

“To me? God no. Tried that, and it went horribly, since I got overly emotionally attached. The other guy, however, had apparently no issues with it, even later saying, ‘I don’t have a gay friend that I haven’t f*cked,’ which I think is a little messed up in its own right, to go that extreme.”

…and stray observations

“Generally, I think gay men—or maybe men—are conditioned a bit more to separate sex from deeper romantic intimacy and, as such, have sexual relationships on a spectrum from completely casual to deeply committed, sometimes at multiple points along that spectrum with different people.”

“Some people have difficulty decoupling sex from romantic attachment. Some people do not. For the latter group, it’s just sex and having fun. The point of friends is to have fun together, and this is just another type of fun you can have if you’re both amenable. I don’t have a lot of queer friends, so I can’t speak to how common it actually is, but I do feel like queer folks are more likely to fall into this group as part of our rebellion against a heteronormative society.”

Related:

Gay guys explain how they landed their friends-with-benefits

Adding certain benefits to friendships can be an awkward endeavor.