Leslie Jordan Calls His ‘Big Brother’ Appearance “Pure Hell” And Says Housemate Cut Up His Underwear

Leslie Jordan is such a hilarious raconteur, it’s nearly inconceivable that not everyone wants to hang out with him. Yet, the scene-stealing actor was just voted out of the house on the U.K. edition of Celebrity Big Brother after what appears to have been a nightmarish experience with his costars that include actor Gary Busey and Playboy model Frenchy Morgan, who cut up Jordan’s underwear.

The actor, who had to pass on a role in the upcoming American Horror Story: Freak Show due to a commitment to the reality series, posted the following recap (written in his inimitable style) of his horrifying experience on Big Brother on his Facebook page:

I’m snuggled up in a tiny cubbie hole up in the eaves of a beautiful London hotel. You have no idea what I have been through. I made the poor decision to try reality television. My goal was to make some money and to introduce my self to a whole new audience as the show was called CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER UK. I thought it would improve my ticket sales when I PERFORM in London. The whole Big Brother franchise began in Holland as a social experiment. They wanted to see what would happen if 12 or so people from radically different socio-economic backgrounds, of various ages and of distinctly different race and sexual orientatrion were denied access to any outside influences and thrown together for an extended period. I will tell you what happens. PURE HELL. ABSOLUTE TORTURE. MAYHEM. I consider myself a kindly and well behaved human being. I turned into a screaming harridan!! There was a stripper who now lives in LA and Las Vegas but hails from France who, in my humble opionion, is a mentally unstable. She got mad at all of us because she is a devout vegan but is like a little mean squirrel who began to hoard food all over the place. When we discovered this, someone took her food and put it back in the storage room to be made available to all. She had a fit. Went into the storage room and distroyed all our food. Pulled pasta out of the boxes and stomped on it. Opened bags of flour used for our bread making and threw it all on the floor. I was livid. I have this really uncanny ability to know people “Achilles heels”. I walked into the bedroom, looked her in the the face and asked, “What happened to you in childhood to create this nasty disposition you exude?” She screamed in a heavy French accent, “I was raised surrounded by maids!” I yelled back, “Oh please. You crawled out of a Paris sewer! You’re nothing but a dirty, French whore!” I REALLY REGRET LOSING MY TEMPER. It made her so mad, she went in my drawer and cut up my underpants with scissors! And I was the one who was called out on the carpet for inexcusable behavior. OH! SO YOU CANNOT MAKE VERBAL THREATS BUT YOU CAN GO INTO SOMEONES PRIVATE DRAWERS AND DISTROY THEIR BELONGINGS??? Well, honey, it makes for good TV viewing which says alot about how far down the scale entertainment has slid. To make a long story short, I was voted out of the house a few days ago. THANK THE GOOD LORD ABOVE. I really do not think I could have stood another night of farts, snores and drunken revelry. We all had to sleep in the same bedroom. HERE’S THE GOOD NEWS: the English public (apparently they only vote on who they want out and assumed I was safe) SEEMS TO LOVE ME. I cannot get down the street without shouts of encouragement. So I plan to make a triumphant return before Christmas. Meanwhile, I have two weeks in London completely paid for with a very generous daily allowance for food! A HOLIDAY!! They want to keep me here to do press and to appear on the BIG FINALE on September 12, I think it is!!! If you can find clips of the show, you really must take a look at my outbursts. I realize that even when on my WORST BEHAVIOUR, I’m still pretty FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watch Jordan’s official exit interview below.