A U.K. man is grappling with whether to tell his ex-lover’s wife that he’s been sleeping with her husband, or if he should simply walk away, so he’s seeking help from advice guru Coleen Nolan.
“I’m a gay man in my mid-thirties and, for a few months, I was sleeping with a straight married guy, who’s a few years older and has a child with his wife,” the man’s letter begins.
He goes on to say that he “really fancied” the guy and found the whole thing very “exciting” in the beginning.
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“But then it became stressful having to sneak around,” he says, “and I actually started to feel very bad for his wife.”
His guilt only increased when he went over to the guys house for a booty call while his wife and child were out of town.
“I saw all these happy family photos and felt so bad that I was sleeping with her husband in her bed and she knew nothing about it,” he says. “I had to ask myself what kind of guy I was involved with.”
On top of that, he says, “I used to hear him on the phone lying to her about where he was when he’d just been having sex with me.”
“I’m not the first guy he’s cheated on his wife with,” he continues, “and I’m sure I won’t be the last.”
Now he wonders: Should he tell the wife so she can escape “this sham of a marriage and find happiness with someone else” or is should he simply walk away?
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“I’m torn between wanting to see him get his comeuppance or just walking away and leaving them to it,” he says.
Coleen’s advice: Leave it alone.
“There’s a small chance she knows he lives a double life and chooses to turn a blind eye to it,” she writes in her response. “I’ve known people in that situation.”
On top of that, she says, “if she doesn’t know anything, yes you’d get some kind of revenge on this guy by telling his wife–if revenge is what you’re after–but you’d also shatter her life and it wouldn’t make you feel any better.”
At the end of the day, Coleen believes the husband is “living in denial” and “taking huge risks.” Sooner or later, that’s going to catch up with him.
“I’m pretty sure it’ll come out at some point and his wife will, sadly, have to deal with it,” she says.
Related: Straight Guy Seeks Advice After He Decides To Date A Man
Ultimately, Coleen writes, “you shouldn’t have got involved with a married man, but you have to move on and learn from it, and not put yourself in that position again. Focus on finding a single man – there are plenty of them out there.”
What do you think? Should this guy confront his ex-lover’s wife and potentially ruin her life, or should he let it go and move on? Share your thoughts in the comments below…
Low Country Boy
Colleen is correct. Leave it alone. It sounds like this guy wants revenge.
scotshot
Walk away and don’t look back. Just because the guy got bored with you, you need to take revenge and out him to his wife?
Grow up.
MediaGuy
As the piece on the side, the boyfriend has no right to place himself in the middle of that marriage. Also, there’s a child involved. If he tells he’ll devastate everybody involved, including himself. The results will be catastrophically sad. This guy signed an implicit agreement to keep his mouth shut when he got involved with a married guy. Say nothing.
Chris
I’ll never understand why someone enables infidelity and then decides to spill the beans to the aggrieved party. This guy’s hands (and other body parts) are not clean. Leave it to others, who haven’t engaged in the infidelity, to break the news; at least they’re not implicated in the actions.
Why do something like this? At the end of the day: “Have you no shame?”
Juanjo
Completely agree. He walked in knowing he was not going to be anything but an affair and affairs have a shelf life. No moral higher ground here. Just a tramp who sleeps with a married man being petty
David Bolton
“‘I’m torn between wanting to see him get his comeuppance or just walking away and leaving them to it,’ he says.”
It’s going to be hilarious if you’re part of the “comeuppance.”
itsmyhusbandandme
In a word? NO.
itsmyhusbandandme.wordpress.com
stanhope
In 3 words, you are stupid……adding 2 more….as [email protected].
stanhope
Are you people crazy? The married man is as guilty as anyone if not more so. There is never anything wrong with the truth. Morality may have gone to hell in a handbasket but the truth, contrary to trumpism, is ALWAYS the way to go. I’d tell her and I’d tell him I was going to. Hasn’t s h y t to do with being bitter. Question for some of you, what if mr married man is out there barebacking half of the gays out there (since we have established he has no morals), gets infected and the infects his wife? I know of two such cases…..so all y’all sit down.
Aromaeus
If he’s sure the husband is sleeping with other people, particularly other men and not practicing safe sex I think he has a somewhat of an obligation to inform the wife. What if she catches something from him that could have been prevented had she been given forewarning? An anonymous letter with enough details about when and where some of these meetings happened so that she can’t deny their validity. Then he should make sure to stop all contact with the cheating husband.
As an aside, I will never really get the appeal of sleeping with men in relationships. Like in theory I guess I understand how the taboo of it could add to the experience but I got enough of a headache dealing with closeted men who were hyper paranoid, I couldn’t imagine being with someone married with children. I had a date all set up for last night actually until the guy decided to tell me he had a girlfriend literally as I was getting in my car to go to his place and giving me a list of things we couldn’t do sexually and how he wanted me to park my car two streets away from his actual address in case neighbors saw. I blocked him and ended up just jacking off. I have a feeling it was the best thing I would have had all night.
Liam
Let’s see: you’ve been having an affair with a married man whom you knew was married, and now, due to your ~conscience~, you feel you must announce your activities with him to his wife and kid. No kudos for donning the tired stereotypical mantle of the queen who eases his own conscience by ruining other folks lives.
Grow up, suck it up, acknowledge YOUR mistake, and move on without trampling someone else’s life.
Donston
All the self-hate, internalized homophobia, depression, feelings of isolation, suicide, drug use, transference of STDs and this site continues to push this type of sensationalistic nothing. I can’t wait to the next somewhat famous good-looking “bi-guy” comes out and this site treats him like he’s the second coming.