According to the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, an asexual is “someone who does not experience sexual attraction.”
So is it possible to be asexual and gay?
According to Mateo Sancho Cardiel, the answer is yes. And he’s living proof.
Cardiel is originally from Spain but currently lives in New York. He’s the author of Anticlimax: A personal essay on desire, and the lack of it, available on Amazon.
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“When I was a teenager, I was very excited about the idea of having sex one day,” Cardiel writes in a new piece published by The Revelist. “But when the moment finally came, I was more than disappointed. I didn’t feel like my partner was the problem–it was me.”
Related: It’s time to stop joking and start taking asexuality seriously
At first he figured it was just because it was his first time, and first times, he’d heard, were usually “awful.”
“But a number of partners and years later,” Cardiel writes, “sex still wasn’t doing it for me.”
“I started to recognize that my sexual impulses were lower than the ones I perceived in my lovers. The few times I actually found myself enjoying sex were when it was quick and to the point.”
Just to be clear, Cardiel says not everything about sex bothered him.
“I actually really enjoyed the seduction aspect of it, including everything from flirting to honest conversation,” he says. “It was the actual performance itself that turned me off.”
By the time he reached his mid-20s, sex felt like “going to the doctor and allowing sensitive parts of my body to be explored in a very non-sexy way.”
Yeah, that doesn’t so sexy.
Related: Asexuals are tired of your crap, demand greater visibility
As the years passed, sex became more and more unappealing. As a result, Cardiel’s love life suffered.
I was essentially hurting the men who dared to love me. So many of them were originally up for the challenge, only to eventually find themselves feeling miserable and insecure because of my unenthused genitals. They wanted to help me, but I felt no need to be fixed.
Eventually, he found someone who was “up for the challenge.” Six years later, they’re happily married.
“My husband understands and appreciates me just the way I am and was open to discuss how we both can be satisfied,” he explains. “We found our way.”
So is it natural not to love sex? Cardiel wonders.
Who knows?
What he does know is that “it’s OK for me to express my needs and wants without being apologetic.”
“It wasn’t until I arrived at that place that I was finally able to be honest with myself and experience true sexual satisfaction for the first time ever.”
Related: Guys Share What It’s Like To Be Gay And Asexual
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Heywood Jablowme
His husband “was open to discuss how we both can be satisfied,” he explains. “We found our way.”
Which involves the husband f*cking around with other guys, no doubt? Tell us the details!
He can’t be Spanish! “Asexuality” is a dumb@ss American problem.
Rex Huskey
yawn….
Captain Obvious
So the husband is with other guys and the guy at home is some cuckhold who friend zoned himself? I don’t get it.
ChrisK
First off his book no one wants to read. Imagine that. Then there’s the tiara and teddy bare. Yeah, that’s so sexy..not. It always comes from the same freaks. It’s all about their narcissism and constant need for attention.
Donston
Unfortunately, the LGBTQ etc “movement” is starting to be dominated by narcissists (and other cluster b personalities), basic attention whores, simple-minded folk and liars, which is sending plenty of others- people with some dignity, intelligence, self-pride, insight and actual real stories to tell- back into the closet or simply staying the hell away from social media and the media at large.
Donston
And no, I’m not blaming them for homophobia or closet cases.
JamJewel
The picture is a stock picture I think we all learned that lesson last week when Queerty posted a story about a middle-aged black man with a picture of a young white guy.
JamJewel
But Donston: the ‘movement’ has always been separate from the rest of the community. And it’s the stories from outside the ‘movement’ that we get to hear sometimes in these pages. And even when we participate in something the ‘movement’ fosters, like Pride, we can always appreciate the others of like mind around us that live right under the radar – and who may enjoy a book club for just what it was intended to do… stimulate the mind, and sometimes, other things as well. Where I live in rural NJ all the gay people are long-term married couples; there are no single people that I’ve recognized so far. Therefore, a dating-book club would not be viable. But an old fashioned one might!
KaiserVonScheiss
I feel confused, my dudes. Very confused.
What really is the point of this article? And how can you be a “gay asexual”?
I’m starting to wonder if asexual should even be considered an orientation at all. It just sounds like people who don’t like sex or have a practically non-existent libido.
Mo Bro
Bingo.
“Asexuality” is, by definition, having no sexuality, just as being apolitical is an indifference to politics and atheism is having no theology.
This guy’s just a weirdo in a tiara.
DarkZephyr
Because while gay and lesbian asexuals are “asexual” they are still homo-romantic. You can lack a desire for sex and still have the capacity to love and the desire for human companionship. Some asexuals are homo-romantic, some are hetero-romantic, some are bi-romantic and some don’t want romance at all. But homo-romantic asexuals are still romantically attracted to their own sex.
DarkZephyr
Mo Bro, you do realize that there was a time people like you and I would be seen as the weirdos and we still ARE by a very large number of people in the USA and the whole world over.
Mo Bro
@DZ:
Of course I understand how we were and are judged, but Jesus, man, look at this guy. He’s an attention whore, through and through. He’s Miley Cyrus without the tongue.
However, I am not aware of the notion of romance without sex. That, to me, is called “friendship.” If there’s more to it than that, I’m apparently am in a LOT of homoromantic, heteromantic, and biromantic relationships . . . and I guess I’m cheating on every one of them.
JamJewel
If sex is the physical expression of love, then why can’t love exist without sex? Or can it? That’s the conundrum I think we can’t unravel.
Donston
So, he’s a gay guy who isn’t interested in sex? Why is this something anyone should care about?
ChrisK
Because she wrote a book.
mhoffman953
I thought we’re now LGBTQIA+, are we not including the A’s anymore?
Mo Bro
No, those who are B’s were resentful that the A’s were getting a better grade than them.
DarkZephyr
You guys. Wow. There is some rage here that people exist who don’t want to f*ck. Come on now, don’t you realize that you sound just like the a**holes who hate us?
DarkZephyr
The book he wrote is probably for other asexuals in his situation…if you have no interest in reading it just don’t read it. For Christ’s Goddamned sake. So much for us all being all loving and welcoming. Dear Lord.
Donston
I admit that I was probably a lil too hard when I wrote my first couple of posts. But it’d be nice to hear from some “regular” gays every once in while. But that’s partly Queerty’s and gay media’s problem. They’re constantly looking for sensationalism and click-bait and pretty boys with six packs. And the most narcissistic, empty, manipulative people are often the loudest and most persistent.
The dude’s simply not asexual. It’s obvious he still has male attractions. So, therefore, he’s not asexual. Attraction, desire and romantic instincts are three different things. If he lacked the first two then he’d be asexual. I think we would all understand each other better, and it’d be easier for people to be honest about who they are and what they want if we understood the difference between those three things and if people were honest with each other about the differences.
Based off his last quote it does seem that he’s having sex of some kind, just not traditional gay sex. So, he’s not even celibate. He isn’t asexual in his attractions, desires or even in his behavior. So, to tag yourself as that is insincere and indeed comes off as mis-labeling and a desperate reach for attention. More than likely, he just doesn’t enjoy anal sex, which is not all that uncommon, and had he been honest about that it could have made an interesting article. I’m all about being “welcoming”, but I’m also about honesty. I don’t like the promotion that being a homosexual male or living a “gay lifestyle” equates to promiscuity. But bs-ing isn’t the way to counterbalance that stereotype.
DarkZephyr
With all due respect, Donston, you’re simply wrong about asexuals. There are actually different types. Some do have sex because while there is no sex drive, genital stimulation still does something. So they go ahead and engage in sexual activities with their partners out of love. Some don’t even get stimulated.
And as I have stated, there are asexuals that still have romantic attractions. It IS possible to be an asexual man who feels romantic connections with other men w/out the desire for sex.
http://asexualeducation.tumblr.com/post/17396323058/biromantic-heteromantic-homoromantic
Donston
The original definition of “asexual” is simply the lack of sexual attraction. Very much like bisexual its definition has been expanded and contorted in many corners to fit in as many as possible. I’ll stick with the original meaning.
The actual point is, the dude doesn’t seem to be entirely driven by “romantic” instincts. Based off his quotes he still has sexual attraction to men. And based off his last quote he doesn’t seem to be practicing abstinence. He seems to be having sex of some kind. He probably just sustains from conventional anal sex, which is no where near anyone’s definition of asexual.
There are many frameworks of sexuality and there are many different motivations and triggers behind that sexuality (which I don’t feel like getting into). Someone can genuinely lack sexual attractions. They can lack the motivation to sexually engage or lack the ability to sustain sexual excitement and engagement. Someone can be attracted to a gender’s body parts but not their face. You can be attracted to a gender’s face but not their body parts. You can be attracted to masculinity but men. You can be attracted to femininity but females. The idea of being sexually and/or romantically involved with a gender can excite you and satisfy you though you don’t have attraction to that gender. You can be turned off by penis or by anal sex and still have attraction to men. You can be “welcoming” to someone and call out the fact that they’re not actually asexual.
Donston
Also, I do get where you’re coming from. But this guy is not a likely example of that type of person.
Donston
“Homo-romantic” is usually a term people use for those whose sexual attractions are close to being evenly divided between men and women but wish to be with the same gender or whose attractions lean greatly towards hetero but they wish to be the same gender. Wanting to be a gender you’re not attracted to or that you have substantially less attraction to than another tends to be driven by (if your attractions are greatly with the same gender as yours but you choose to be with the opposite) internalized homophobia and/or societal comfort. Then there is gender dis-morphia, habit, misogyny, misandry, and fetishes and instincts that arise from narcissism/megalomania. As I’ve mentioned many times, there are quite a few psychological and sociological things that dictate or motivate attraction, desire, romantic instincts, identity and “lifestyle”.
“Homo-romantic” doesn’t seem to be the proper place to put him. This particular man seems to have attraction that goes with men and romantic instincts that align with men, and he doesn’t seem to even be practicing abstinence. He just doesn’t seem interested in conventional gay sex. It’s important to look beyond labels, actually digest and decipher what someone is saying, to truly understand who someone actually is and whether they’re being honest about themselves. You look beyond his label and it’s clear he’s not asexual.
bobnla
Mateo never met me…I’d cure that ‘asexual’ lad in a hurry
ChrisK
Now bob how many times have straight women said the same thing about gay men. Ok just kidding. Asexuality and Gay is an Oxymoron.
Heywood Jablowme
His husband can have the marriage annulled because it hasn’t been consummated.
PretenderNX01
If they’re both happy, go for it.
Aromaeus
He’s just a gay man who would rather find intimacy outside of sex. I don’t see why he needs to even share that. What you do or don’t do behind closed doors is your own business.
BriBri
Whatever fluffs your skirt! But rest assured most guys would be fking around!
Richard 55
Yes, you can have same-sex attractions but decide not to act on them. That makes you asexual in behavior. Call it celibacy if you prefer.
Good on him for standing up to the sexual sleazeballs of the gay community. We’re not all rabbits in heat, you know.
Xzamilloh
Yeah, some of us are delusional repressed nutjobs with mommy issues that really need to cut the crap and go fart on some peens.
SumSay
Celibacy and asexuality, contrary to popular belief, is very different. Asexuals typically lack the ambition for sex. Those who practice celibacy usually do it because they have too much ambition and choose to cool off for a minute.
Donston
I abstained from sex for a few years in my twenties. I think it did me a whole lot of good and made me understand that I wanted a bond and commitment much more than hook-ups. And it made me comfortable with the idea of loving a man rather just having sex with them. It’s still extremely difficult to grow to be a self-accepting, self-comfortable, non narcissistic fahag with an even-kneel ego and no self-destructive instincts. You have to work on it. However, being sexual doesn’t mean being a slut. Only in the “gay world” do you have to choose one or the other.
And yes, asexuality, a lack of desire and celibacy are three different things. From what I can decipher, he isn’t exactly celibate, still has male sexual attractions and doesn’t even seem to lack desire. He may not even be monogamous. He’s not asexual in any way or form. He probably just doesn’t enjoy anal sex, which is not unusual.
Donston
Why can’t you edit your damn posts here? I meant “even-keeled”.
Josh447
This sounds like a typical case of potentially violent molestation that is locked away deep in his subconscious not to be remembered. Yet.
He may very well have two worlds going on, quite unknowingly. If he ever has late memory recall kick in, it will certainly fill in the blanks.
Donston
When it comes to nymphomania and its opposite- not wanting to engage in sex (and once again, he doesn’t actually seem to be practicing abstinence) it can often be connected to an extremely troubled past that hasn’t been confronted, particularly violent sexual abuse.
These types of things are also often the cause behind inherently gay men being self-destructive, self-indulgent and/or not wanting to actually love and commit to another man. It can be connected to inherently homo men becoming obsessed with women and obsessed with satisfying them. It can often be connected women who are not indeed attracted to women wanting to date women. It can also be connected to hetero-sexual men or men whose attractions lean greatly towards women looking to continuously have sexual and/or romantic connections with other men.
But we don’t like to talk about these things. Those type of things need to be confronted and dealt with before anyone can live a healthy “lifestyle”, a sane and calm ego and a satisfying romantic and sex life.
Of course, we don’t know anything about this man’s childhood.
Josh447
His eyes say alot. There’s a real sad story there.
Chris
What happens between two consenting adults is none of my business. And if it’s behind closed doors, then doubly so. ….. So when I read stories like this one, my response is one of indifference. What he does is “none of my business.”
DCguy
I think asexuality confuses a lot of people because every time I read about it, the person who says they are asexual has a different definition.
So this person was excited to have sex, but didn’t like the actual act. So it sounds like he did have sexual desire and most likely masturbates. But other asexuals have stated that they have no sexual desire, not just that they do have desire but find sex gross or boring.
Other than that, I just can’t really muster up much to care about in this article. The guy doesn’t like sex, found a boyfriend. Good for him.
Rex Huskey
bigger yawn…
Hussain-TheCanadian
Do Asexuals masturbate?
Every time I ask this question I get a different answer.
Do we have an Asexual Queerty resident?
Rick
I am also Asexual and find many people just do not understand. I have had so much sex when I was younger and I am just not interested in sex at all now. Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing hot guys walking by me at the coffee shop, love looking at hot asses. I don’t want to have sex with them no matter how hot they are but I still like to look.
Josh447
What made you change?
DavidIntl
While I respect a true asexual’s right to pursue a life which suits them, it is horribly unfair for that person to be in a relationship with a typical non-asexual person. Because most human beings DO need regular sexual contact, and it is extremely frustrating for them to be in a monogamous relationship with an asexual (cough… speaks from some personal experience).
Notright
This not a marriage that’s a friendship.