New Life Hopes To Get New Life With Post-Haggard “Day of Hope”

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Because they just can’t get enough, New Life Church will be holding a “Day of Hope” during which the congregation can gab about Ted Haggard and his sinful, man-fucking, meth-taking ways. Colorado Spring’s NBC affiliate WBIR offers the pretty self-explanatory report:

Leaders of New Life Church will hold what they’re calling a “day of hope” Sunday to discuss the scandal that led to the downfall of founding pastor Ted Haggard.

Associate Pastor Rob Brendle says it’s meant to offer members of the Colorado Springs church “some closure” and tell them what’s ahead for Haggard and his family.

Because sending Ted Haggard off to Iowa or Missouri with a wad of cash isn’t really closure enough. But, they need to make room for a new leader. Sure, Ross Parsley may be the senior pastor, but we think it may be Brendle who holds the real power.

Brendle also acted as the Church mouthpiece back when Pastor Christopher Beard “stepped down” under charges of sexual misconduct. Lucky for Beard the story didn’t blow up with quite so much force, but Brendle wasn’t taking any chances.
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He told reporters “there will be increased scrutiny of our church in the wake of the scandal” and that he and his homies intended to excise any and all morally dubious characters. With their ouster, no doubt, Brendle’s working his way up the ranks.

Perhaps this Day of Hope marks another step in young Brendle’s ascension. It’s may be like a coronation or something. He’s certainly got the makings of the next hypocritical drug addict homo. Nonprophet described his sermon style thus:

Rob has the mad intensity of a meth-amphetamine addict, but is far more articulate. He does a great job of staying with his train of thought during his frenzied rants, and when he goes astray he always backs up and gets on track.

A king is born!