A recently published study of over 100 primates, including humans, found that those with “showy” facial hair often had smaller testicles. This doesn’t mean that beards equal smaller balls, but it does suggest that men use beards as a “sexual ornament” to help lure potential mates and make up for other shortcomings. (But we already knew that, right?)
The study, published this month in the journal Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, compared the sexual traits of over 100 primate species and found that many primates use different “sexual ornaments” — like bushy hair, beards, “fleshy swellings and colorful skin patches” — to help them lure sexual mates and intimidate romantic rivals.
It also found that the more “sexual ornaments” a primate had, the more likely that his testicles would be smaller on average. Smaller testicles tend to produce and carry less sperm. And for primates looking to reproduce, the less sperm you deposit into a female, the less likely your chances of impregnating her with your genetic offspring.
Thus, primates with smaller testicles have developed “sexual ornaments” as a way to lure females to them exclusively, reducing the chance that they’ll mate with other men.
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Interestingly, researchers also found that male primates with larger testicles also had larger canine teeth. These teeth are used as literal weapons when battling other mates. So primates with fewer sexual ornaments compensate by developing weapons to attack male competitors when mating season hits.
It’s most likely that male primates develop these traits genetically rather than as a deliberate choice. So what does this mean for male humans?
Lead researcher Stefan Lüpold, an evolutionary biologist at the University of Zurich, says that the study suggests “It’s hard to have it all.” That is, primates develop showy, attractive physical features to make up for a potential lack of potency. Primates with larger testicles are more likely to devote their cellular energy to fighting and fruggin’.
Put another way, if you think you lack sexual potency below the belt, you may invest more energy into making yourself glamorous. This doesn’t mean every beautiful man with a beard, flashy clothes, theatrical flair and muscles has got small testicles. It just means that men may use those features, deliberately or unwittingly, to show other men that he’s “still got it.”
This is just the most recent beard study that has our fascination. A 2017 study found that gay men were more attracted to bearded men than heterosexual women were. You may have also heard of a 2015 study that declared that beards were filthier than public toilets, but that claim was found to be totally untrue. So cuddle away, you hairy primates!
Ronbo
If you are going to project theories, please show your work.
Brian
I can’t believe that hipster beards haven’t disappeared yet. By now isn’t having one like having a mullet during the grunge years?
ShiningSex
Hipsters are silly but beards aren’t. They’re sexier than men who trim everything or shave it all. Being an adult male with completely shaved “bush” is gross. It tends to look like a teen and that’s gross.
Brian
Beards and public hair are not the same thing. Also, beards and hipster beards are not the same thing.
yancha
Lol Pubic not Public
broadshoulder
Humans with showy bears are likely to have small testicles
Well I have heard it all now Queerty. You haven’t reached the bottom of the barrel…your scraping along its insides
QueerTruth
Lol. Way to piss off all the bearded men.
Virpilosus
Hmmm, low hangers or not, as long as they make, store, and squirt that good seed, I’ll be happy! And in the case of a nice bushy beard on a man, YES YES YES,, WOOF…LOLOL!
Doug
This article is ridiculous. Yet another way to put people in a box.
JohnD
I suppose since everyone else has misinterpreted this study, why not Queerty too?
This works on a species basis, not individuals. It doesn’t mean that if you can grow a really nice beard you’ve got smaller balls than they guy who gets a few scraggly hairs on this chin. No. It doesn’t mean your balls shrink if you decide to go full ZZ Top. No. This is a species thing.
Admittedly, among humans there might be more variation in genital size than in our primate (or even mammalian) cousins, though there’s probably not an obsessive desire to chart the variations in penis sizes of every damn primate. No one wants to be the grad student who has to measure gorilla penis and testicle variation. To what end?
So, it’s not, “wow, the baboon with the redder rump and the bigger mane has smaller testicles than the baboon less red rump and the smaller mane,” it’s “hey, baboons have smaller testicles (compared to body size) than bonobos.”
The scientists who wrote the article were clear about this in the abstract. Not men with beards, primate species with big hair.
GayEGO
Maybe they have a Vienna Sausage!
evanxx
Nearly every man looks better with a nice thick beard (unless he can’t grow a full, even beard, of course). I don’t even look at men without one. Shaving makes mature men look old; they remind me of a minister, or my dad. And shaving your body is totally disgusting, unless you’re transitioning to a female. So if you’re hairy, proudly show off what God gave you. The rest of us really appreciate it!
AgainNagain
Those men with hairy body, esp. hairy back and hairy shoulder, need to shave it all off. As for you, you have a strange fetish for body hair, an unpleasant sight for most gays. I bet it’s uncommon for people your age to develop such a fetish. Harmless, sure, but it’s weird.
evanxx
AgainNagain _ just because you have a weird aversion to masculine men, you do NOT speak for “most gay men”. Your opinion is your own. You’re entitled to prefer effeminate men, it’s certainly your right without question. Don’t stereotype ALL gay men with your dismissive broad strokes. Body shaving has always been a female practice, and always will be, Men were created to be the hairier sex, and I’m attracted to manly, REAL guys. At least you and I will never be hitting on the same person….right?
Tombear
I have a beard and award winning low hangers. Do I count?
Yooper
You not only count, you get my number.
evanxx
Tombear _ You are a perfectly normal (and typical man). I’ve seen the testicles of literally hundreds of bearded men. The false assumption in this study SIMPLY IS NOT TRUE!
paul dorian lord fredine
my first thought was for the guys of ‘duck dynasty’. awwww, says a lot.
goozy76
Oh, so if I shave my trendy hipster beard that I’ve had for 15+ years, my gigantic balls will shrink? Hate my huge balls and will never shave my beard.
djmcgamester
If the beards are to distract from testicle size, what about tattoos, dying hair unusual colors and lots of ornamentation? This seems lame.
Daggerman
..WOW! how extremely intelligent I don’t know what study they’re come out with next? Please get a life and stop writing such drivel.
draven
I’m black 6’3”.25 tall. Weight 190lbs. 4 percent BF. 10 BMI. I’m very fit. 58 years young. Look 25 on a very good day. Love my age. I can grow a beard just like Santa with curls and all. Also have a head full of curly hair. . I wear size 13 shoe. Very blessed. You know what I mean. Wink. Lol.
Also I’m a never been in the closet
BLACK GAY ALPHA MALE
MinnesotaNotNice
Absolute bullshit!