LIFE'S A DRAG

The Hottest, Most Naked, Lesbian Lip-Synch Goes Down On RuPaul’s Drag Race!

It’s the worst kept secret in Drag Race history that Carmen is coming back tonight, but she didn’t really wow us the first time (well, her body wowed us, but not always her skillz. And why does she have such heavily-accented English when she’s not even from a foreign country like Yara and Alexis?) New Jersey… it’s not just a state, it’s a state of annoyance.

To be honest, now that Shangela’s gone I think the show’s gonna be a heck of a lot less interesting drama-wise. A lot of us (my mom and I) had secretly hoped for a Shangela/Raja showdown… but oh well, now it might be a Jara/Raja showdown, which would be nice seeing as their names are anagrams.

9:02 PM – Wow, Shangela was really a burr in Raja’s butt. So much that when Raja sees the makeup on the mirror, she starts doing pirouettes. What a bitchy ballerina! Then RuPaul comes on she-mail telling the queens that they will have to be “an athletic supporter.” I would love to be an athletic supporter on the fuzzy muscular otter in the pit crew. I lust him so much! Call me…

9:04 PM – Michelle, Santino, and Billy B did a midnight ceremony with Andre champagne and Elizabeth Taylor’s White Diamonds to resurrect Carmen from where her body lay on the New Jersey Turnpike. But if a Heather comes back from the dead, is she still a Heather or will she want to eat her sisters’ brains? Manila helped throw Carmen under the bus last time by making him pick between reggae and country music. Will zombie Carmen remember her betrayal at the hands of a Heather?

9:06 PM – The mini-challenge is that each queen has to sit in a dunking booth and let their competitors sink them. Lucky for Carmen, Raja throws horribly. Oh wait! Bitch got sunk. Then Alexis sinks Jara again and again… a total of 14 times and Jara retaliates by sinking Alexis half as many times. Manila decides to continue crapping on her ex-bestie, Carmen by dunking her in the tank. Then Raja goes up so Carmen can sink her good. For the humiliation, Raja wears some janky Ms. America swim suit.

9:08 PM – This week the ladies have to teach a bunch of schlubby jocks how to walk the runway like true queens. One of the athletes makes a Catholic cross on his chest as he enters the room, the smell of duct tape, Aqua Net, and feminine betrayal hanging in the air. Matt is a “hard” baseball player. Drew plays rugby. Chevy plays baseball. Some other guys play some other things (do you really care? If you cared about sports you’d be at ESPN.com or some crap). Then the jock from Texas mentions about “how everything’s bigger in Texas.” So of course, Alexis goes straight for him first. Then she takes each jock by their hot, muscular, well-defined arms — capable of unleashing raw athletic power and pleasure upon any set of balls — and introduces them to their drag mothers. I’m not into labels, but that any jock who’s comfy enough to appear on a drag show and put on makeup and heels might also be comfy… doing other things. Like lip-synching.

9:15 PM – The jocks have to counterbalance the question of “have you ever put your balls back over your penis?” by throwing a football and acting like jock when they should be tucking their balls into their “winter cavern.” Flava the water polo player starts flirting with Alexis Mateo and Alexis is falling in love.

9:17 PM – Raja wonders how he’s gonna make his schlubby Texan into half the queen he is. Carmen and his Asian dude will somehow radiate female sensuality and show off their bodies even though they are like the Laurel and Hardy of gender identity. Jara is told to put 7-inch “Liz Hurley fuck me pumps” on his rugby player. Alexis feels like he has to help Slava focus on doing drag instead of chewing gum and hitting on him. Manila is gonna have to turn his brick of a blonde beefcake into a very slutty Asian delight wearing a see-through kimono.

9:20 PM – Ru comes in with the customary surprise of the show and announces that each contestant must also construct a cheerleader outfit and create and choreograph a “safe sex” cheer for the runway. Manila is like, “Oh… yeah… of course we have to do all that extra crap. As if designing a slutty kimono wasn’t hard enough, bitch.” Oh Manila… we love your dagger eyes.

9:23 PM – Commercial: Hershey’s wants you to think its poop factory is like a Willy Wonka wonderland instead of the smoke-belching, planet-stomper it probably is.

9:24 PM – It’s cute how nervous the jocks look amid the gayest place on Earth. Especially Raja’s cheerleader; he looks like a giant ogre in an undersized red jumper. Jara teaches his cute rugger to eye-fuck the judges like he does, so that’s how he’s been advancing to each round. Then Raja calls his guy by his real first name and his guy is all like “Umm… call me Enigma.” WERQUE IT GIRL! Carmen and Manila are trying to train the straightest guys in the world. When they tell them to strike feminine poses, they look constipated and squat down on the floor.

9:30 PM – The little brother of Carmen’s jock is apparently “an angry gay” who is tired of the world hating him just because he’s gay — gurl tell us about it. He reveals this why he wanted to dress up as an ogress and tromp around drunk on LOGO, so his little brother can be proud of him. Meanwhile Alexis finds himself annoyed with Manila’s blonde dude because he’s loud, spastic and annoying… just… like… Manila. “Manila, you’ve found your soulmate,” Alexis says. So why does Manila look like he wants to kill him?

Alexis’ guy looks so good that he can’t even believe he was born male! Meanwhile Manila gets frustrated with her guy as she pins a big red bow on her. “Are you mad at me?” the dude asks. “No, I’m just freaking out,” Manila says. And in a big burly voice, Manila’s jock comforts her by saying, “Dude, just relax.”

9:36 PM – On the runway Alexis and her guy look so similar that it’s hard to tell which one is which. Raja’s cheer is horrid and involves them spelling a very long boring word (ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM). All the other cheers are kinda meh and each pair uses the word “safe-sex” at the end instead of actually incorporating the word into their routine.

Alexis and Avalis come in wearing dresses made entirely out of feathers and rhinestones with their trademark Mateo titties hanging out. But you know what? They both look great! Raja and Enigma come out in cheetah garb and with Enigma walking like a sailor — see you on the bottom two, bitch. Then Jara and her sis Drewlita come out looking like the Turner sisters; they even do a small dance… it’s OK… B-minus. Carmen and her sister come out looking horrid in these retched rhinestone bikinis… BLECH! Manila and her guy come out and rock the gay-geisha look and Manila’s fellow really owns it. Either she or Alexis is sure to win!

9:45 PM – Critiques! Avalis Mateo gets complimented for embracing her feminine side and really looking like a Kardashian. Raja and Enigma both have a love of old movies and went for an “old Hollywood glamor” look and RuPaul is like “Which movie? Tarzan?” Jara and Drewlita Sophia did a sweet cheer where they fanned their fannies and they both look like Madonna with their great faces and “man-hands.” Manila and Fuchsia apparently are soul mates because they really hit it off with their twin dragon routine and rock the runway. Carmen and Lolita Cruise didn’t do a great job feminizing Lolita’s big beefy bod and when Carmen says that if she weighed 100 pounds more she’d still dress like she does, RuPaul and Michelle are not buying it.

9:49 PM – Everyone agrees that Raja’s guy walked like a sailor, that Jara and her sis Drewlita didn’t really look like sisters so much as adopted cousins, and that Carmen kinda threw her boy under the bus by making herself look hot and her jock all beefy. We have to agree — boy looked atrocious!

9:53 PM – We called it. It’s Raja and Carmen on the bottom two. We don’t think we’ve seen Raja do as cruddy a job this entire season as she did with her buddy. Manila and her beefy beau totally won the challenge and a cruise for two to the Bahamas… so we’re assuming they’ll go together. Raja is gonna have to lip synch for the first time ever in his life and he’s really put out by it. Uh… Raja, Delta had to do it three times. Suck it up, Heather.

9:57 PM – During the song, Raja takes off his clothes and Carmen follows suit by ditching her non-existent bottom piece with a newfound blur covering his bits. Umm… drag is kinda hard to pull off with your penis hanging out, Carmen. But the two queens start doing softcore by laying atop one another and vamping out to Paula Abdul. Raja wins because she really works the song, but Carmen loses. Raja cries a weepy thank you. But when Carmen hugs everyone goodbye Manila’s all like, “It was so good seeing you. Don’t come back!”

10 PM – Next week the girls will have their most expensive challenge, one of the girls will basically give up, and we’ll have “the most devastating” lip-synch for your life ever. Oh we’ll be there.