smiling bigots

NY Archbishop Timothy Dolan: Gays Shouldn’t Marry 1) Because They’re Not Qualified 2) I Can’t Marry My Mom

“I have a strong desire to play shortstop for the Yankees. I don’t have a right to, because I don’t have what it takes. And that would be what the church would say about marriage.” That’s New York Archbishop Timothy Dolan offering some awful anecdotal explanation to 60 Minutes about why the Roman Catholic Church will never support gay marriage. You see, by being born homosexual, you don’t have what it takes to sign a piece of paper like heterosexual strangers can do.

In a profile piece that describes Dolan’s penchant for “smoking cigars [and] drinking beer, 60 Minutes joins New York magazine in portraying a Smiling Bigot — just a regular guy trying to get through the day who also shits on homosexuals.

“We would say marriage by nature, marriage by definition is between a man and a woman for life, giving children,” says Dolan. “Don’t tamper with the definition. If you want to give latitude to other types of relationships, go ahead. But please don’t tamper with that definition of marriage. It is a right for people who can live up to those expectations that are just encoded in the definition. It’s not a right who can’t. We will stand up for other rights with you, we will treat you with love and reverence, but we can not ever tamper with the necessary attributes with what we consider to be the very pillar of society, namely the very definition of marriage.”

Asked by Morley Safer — himself a man who discriminates against transgender people — why giving gays marriage rights somehow impacts breeders, Dolan responds, “Where would then the tampering stop? I love my mom, I don’t have the right to marry her. There are certain rights and attractions in life that are very beautiful and noble, but don’t entitle you to marriage.”

Interestingly, I don’t see Dolan out there campaigning to ban marriage between rapists and their rape victims, septuagenarians who cannot bear children, old dudes and 20-year-old chicks (still “noble” relationships, apparently), nor divorcées.