Over 30 States Have Applied For Secession From The US Following Election

If you thought the 2012 election figuratively divided the country, shit’s fixin’ to get literal. Nearly two-thirds of the union have decided to kick it way old school – like 1860  – by petitioning the White House with requests for secession. Will you look at that, Tony Perkins was right for a change…thus signaling the end of days.

So far Louisiana, Texas, Alabama, North Carolina, Florida, Kentucky, Georgia, Mississippi, Indiana, Montana, North Dakota, New Jersey, Oregon, Colorado, New York, South Carolina, Michigan, Missouri, Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Arizona, Pennsylvania, Nevada, Delaware, California, Ohio, Wyoming, Utah, Kansas and Alaska have all filed petitions with the White House’s We the People website.

The most popular by far is Texas, living up to its moniker as the Lone Star State,  with over 60,000 signatures – meanwhile, petitions only need 25,000 for an official White House response. According to the state’s petition, America is just weighin’ em down:

The US continues to suffer economic difficulties stemming from the federal government’s neglect to reform domestic and foreign spending. The citizens of the US suffer from blatant abuses of their rights such as the NDAA, the TSA, etc. Given that the state of Texas maintains a balanced budget and is the 15th largest economy in the world, it is practically feasible for Texas to withdraw from the union, and to do so would protect it’s citizens’ standard of living and re-secure their rights and liberties in accordance with the original ideas and beliefs of our founding fathers which are no longer being reflected by the federal government.

These “original ideas and beliefs” wouldn’t have anything to do with the legalization of gay marriage in Minnesota, Maryland and Washington (whose secession petitions are noticeably absent)…would it? Wait, and it certainly couldn’t have to do with the re-election of that…black guy, could it?

Louisiana has also met and exceeded the 25,000 required signatures, invoking the Declaration of Independence, something the author of this Georgian petition (1 of 2) is probably not familiar with: “just like in 1860 the south secede from the union. 2012 the state of georgia would like to withdraw from the USA.” Simple (and lacking several basic facets of a complete sentence) but effective – combined, both petitions have over 25,000 signatures.

Though its unlikely that President Obama will grant any state the right to secede – we’re looking at you Alabama – the nation is in serious need of some bonding time.What do ya say we all build a giant bonfire out of Ohio and Uncle Joe Biden can lead us all in a rendition of “America, the Beautiful”? Or we could just settle this the old school way, but who has bayonets nowadays?

Oh right…Texas.

(h/t: Politico)