It started with a simple, sincere posting on Facebook: “How do you tactfully ask your new guy to trim his bush?”
But stylist/jewelry designer Christian, who wrote that query, was gobsmacked when he got over 1100 comments in response, ranging from helpful to downright vicious. Perhaps after a year of lockdowns and neo-fascism, it was a welcome diversion to talk about grooming.
Here’s my conversation with Christian [who will remain anonymous for the purpose of this article], which I’ve only trimmed a bit.
Congrats on making such pubic waves, Christian. First off, how did you hook up with this guy?
How about we take this to the next level?
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We met on a dating site. He’s a very sweet, Southern gentleman in his early 60s. To find somebody who’s single, has a stable life, and is open to a relationship, it’s almost like the holy grail. In one of our conversations, I asked him if he had a hairy chest because he has a little mustache. He said, “No, I’m totally smooth.” I said, “OK, that’s nice too.” On our second date, we started fooling around and went into the bedroom. He took off his shirt—Yes, totally smooth. He took off his pants—Yes, his legs had very little hair.
Then he took off his shorts and it was boom, back to the 1970s! I wouldn’t say it was a Chia Pet, but it was definitely blooming. And I’m not used to this. So many guys manscape. And a lot of men I’ve been with didn’t have a lot of hair to begin with or they trim it. We had a very nice connection and sex was good, but this really threw me. When we were having oral sex [I had just tested negative and he’d gotten both vaccinations], it was a little hard for me to breathe at times. I was literally pushing the hair away from his cock, which is bigger than you’d think, but the hair covers it. It’s like the first time you encounter a piercing or someone uncut or curved and it’s maybe not what you’re used to.
Did you say anything?
No. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and I know he has certain body issues. And I don’t have a perfect body at all. I’m at my top weight right now. If he said, “Why don’t you lose some weight?” that would hurt. But I have a feeling he’s been off the market and he’s getting back out there and maybe he’s…
Lost track of personal grooming techniques?
Maybe.
So you posted about this.
I’m in this Facebook group, Gay Life After 40, and I enjoy it. I’d never posted before. And his bush was not a deal-breaker. He’s a great guy. But I thought, “Let me put it out there.” It’s not just me saying, “Hey, I need some attention or ego-stroking.” It’s a legitimate question I thought other gay men could relate to. Within an hour, there were over 100 comments. The overwhelming advice was Don’t make it a big deal. Have fun with it. Maybe you can trim each other or make it foreplay. Have a sexy self-care time together. That was really helpful and put me on a good track. I’d say 70% of the comments were positive. Twenty percent were, “Don’t even think about it–bad idea.” Or, “What’s wrong with a bush? Love the bush!”
But 10% were vicious.
All kinds of name-calling?
They said I was a nitpicker, an uptight prude, a bitch, or some fussy lady who nothing is ever good enough for. Someone snapped, “Why don’t you shave your eyebrows?” They didn’t read what I said, which was “trimmed”–I never said “shaved.” I just would like less. I don’t want him to be at zero. I’m realistic–men are men and you can’t change people. This might be what he likes and that’s fine. But a little less would make sex with him more enjoyable for me. I have a friend who’s into S&M and he’s afraid to tell his girlfriend. So what does he do? He finds it with someone else! I’d maybe like to bring it up rather than cheating on him with someone who has more of a body that I like. I’m not changing anything intrinsic about him–I like who he is–but maybe something a little cosmetic, and I’m willing to do the same.
When commenters say “Just find someone else,” that always trivializes the situation.
And I thought that was indicative of how gay men have been affected by pornography–the fact that on all the apps, you can just dial dick. You can order cock 24-7 and it can be delivered and come to you pretty quickly because it’s all set up by neighborhoods. So this idea arises that guys are totally disposable. “Just get rid of him, find another.” It’s not so easy. I can find lots of sexual partners, but it’s not that easy to find people I really like. My point was that hair is disposable, but people are not.
Didn’t some commenters accuse you of coming off like a pedophile?
A number of them were in the vein of “Why do you want a bald pubic area? Are you into adolescents? Are you stuck on puberty?” I replied, “I’m not into younger men. Actually, he’s 12 years older than me. I’m not looking for a teenager. That would be very inappropriate, illegal, and immoral.” They weren’t reading my question! I was so surprised that the comments kept coming. I had to turn off the notifications because my phone was literally jumping like a vibrator. What I got from this is that men are sensitive about their penises and pubes and also, they’re always eager to share their opinions, whether they’re helpful or abusive.
At a certain point, I realized, This has nothing to do with me. I’d just struck a nerve with the issue of body hair and how men feel about theirs. It boils down to, Do you want to know if your partner would like you to change something or not? Is ignorance bliss? Are you willing to accommodate someone or are you Take it or leave it? If this guy said to me, “I’d prefer if you wore less makeup or different clothes,” I might say, “OK, that’s not cosmetic surgery. That doesn’t require weeks at a gym or some major commitment.”
And I’ve done that with people—they liked my hair shorter or a little lighter or they bought me a cologne and wanted me to wear it. This question became a lightning rod for a lot of people. It was something they wanted to talk about and needed a way to do that.
What were some of the other outraged comments?
One was, “This is the most vulgar question of all time!” I’m like, This page has had questions about anal bleaching. This is not a page about debutante balls. Emily Post had a chapter on hygiene in her famous etiquette book, so I think it can be talked about, if done respectfully.
Another comment said, “You’re like Samantha on Sex and the City. You’re a man-eater.” They were making assumptions and projecting so much stuff on me–like I was going through men and making them do what I wanted, which was not the case.
I wish I were like that. [laughs]
It’s like when I tweeted a joke about Armie Hammer and someone commented, “You’re fetish shaming!” Really? So you can’t make fun of cannibalism anymore? Anyway, where do you stand now?
I might bring it up somewhere down the line. If he asks, “Do you like my deodorant?” –if we go into a conversation about likes and dislikes—I’ll bring it up, but otherwise, I’ll table it because it’s not worth the risk.
But are you glad you posted about this?
Yes, because two guys met on the thread and were telling each other how attractive they are and they were planning to meet up!
I hope they trim!
UPDATE! HAPPY ENDING! Christian now reports:
So today, he apologized for his overgrown bush and said he’d let it go during the quarantine. I calmly told him that I liked him either way, but thought trimming would be a nice idea. He said he’d do it next week! Yay!!!!
PS, from Musto: Dear readers, feel free to give me a mouthful on this topic!
ingyaom
I had exactly the opposite problem – on my first date with my now-bf, I asked him to stop shaving the little hair he had down there, and he’s kept doing it – which is a real turn-off. I’m not into little boys or hairless twinks.
JPDonahue
A smooth crotch does not equate being a little boy. I’ve seen older, muscular men who shave, for whatever reason. Never once did I think, “Ew… little boy.”
If that’s your go-to… don’t go to a kink festival!
If that’s how you judge people… that helps people judge you.
I don’t say that lightly… I know several people who make judgments like that… but get angry when someone makes a judgment about them.
ShiningSex
@JPD, I don’t like shaven either. it’s gross looking. It does look like “underage” crap. Just my opinion. I would sa “ewww”. They can go elsewhere.
gaiety69
100%, I see a hairless crotch it grosses me out, makes me thinkn it’s a child or female. People can do what they want, but what I want is to not have sex with shaved dudes!
1898
comparing shaving to trimming is like saying that getting a haircut is the same thing as shaving your head
there is a difference, which normal/sane people can see and appreciate
jcool
so you were down there on your first date? slut. lol
Juanito malo
I agree
jmps
Personally, a shaved crotch is an instant turn-off to me. When I see one it looks like a prepubescent little boy which I am not attracted to either.
1898
if trimmed pubic hair renders you unable to tell the difference between a grown man and a child, there is something seriously wrong with you
Chrisk
I’m in between. I definitely don’t want shaved and I definitely do want trimmed. Plus, it’s almost impossible to keep clean. You’ll smell it before you get to it.
ShiningSex
the smell is usally worse for guys who actually shave than not.
look it up. fact.
Openminded
THANK YOU for acknowledging this Shining Sex. I see so many articles about trimming/shaving and they almost all state that it’s cleaner and less odor. I do physical work for a living and sweat a lot. I also shave my sack and trim the rest. My experience has been that even with a morning shower to start the day, I still sweat and sometimes have light body odor from my crotch by the time I get home. Yes, shaved is easier to keep clean, but it creates much more sweat which can lead to odor.
Kevan1
@Openminded I shave the sack and trim. Personally I do not like prying pubic hair out of my teeth and smooth balls feel so nice. I am not into shaved clean crotches.
cuteguy
Healthy relationships can only be manifested from healthy communication. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it.
Ronbo
How? The same way you tell him to get a more expensive haircut, lose weight, go to the gym, and become more masculine… just be an azzhole.
TriciaNYC
Quarantine is no excuse to stop grooming. It’s not as if he’s waiting on a barber to open. Something this superficial can be changed so easily.. In a relationship it’s possible tactfully state preferences. If they’re interested in continuing to be intimate with you, your opinion matters.
ShiningSex
the bigger the bush, the better the hunt. Mmmmmmm
Larry
First I would NEVER ask that. I detest shavers. Trimming is shaving so stop doing that also. It is there naturally for protection just like eyebrows, eyelids, and eyelashes.
amanwithanedge
you so funny.
ShiningSex
EXACTLY!! Idiots don’t get the hair serves a purpose. Plus, it’s sexier.
1898
trimming is NOT shaving. what an absurd thing to say. do you look at a guy who got a haircut and say “oh my god he shaved his head! how awful!”?
if a guy’s pubic hairs are normally two inches long and he trims them down to one inch long, how is that the same thing as shaving? that’s like saying a guy with 1 inch of facial hair is clean shaven. really???
MISTERJETT
i wouldn’t ask. he can just leave it like it is. as long as it’s clean and all that takes is soap and water.
gregg2010
You don’t have to trim it ALL off. Personally, I like pubic hair as opposed to ta totally shaved pube (Yuck!), and if you shower daily there is no problem with odor.
ShiningSex
WHAT ABOUT DON’T ASK. BUSH IS FUN.
“HEY TARZAN, CAN I SWING ON YOUR TREE?”
ShiningSex
SHAVING HAIR COMPLETELY OFF IS GROSS.
LOOKS LIKE A TEEN AND I’M SORRY I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO LOOKS “PRE”. GROSS!!!
PLUS THE HAIR SERVES A PURPOSE AND THOSE THAT SHAVE TEND TO “SMELL” MORESO THAN THOSE THAT DON’T. TRY IT AND SEE WHAT I MEAN. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, MOVED ON.
1898
why are you shouting?
Yooper
“If a man is willing to shave his chest, he may as well shave his vagina”. Don’t remember where I read that quip, but makes me chuckle…
I like full bush caveman style, to each their own.
Brethmas
Why trim ?
Do not trim ! ! !
We like adults, not children.
gaiety69
I just think manscaping is dumb. And if more than a simple trim, gross as well. I like men who look like men. Men are hairy, it’s one of the things I find hottest about them.
Mikeymusto
Thanks for the comments, everyone. And thanks to Tricia NYC for actually reading the article, lol. As for some of the other comments, my interview with the guy who wants his lover to trim deals with Internet assumptions and projecting. Also, he never wanted the guy to shave everything off, simply to trim it because it was making sex very uncomfortable. Thirdly, no, someone with trimmed pubes is not a boy–the guy in question is 60 years old, and that is discussed in the interview. And if you get to the ending, you’ll see that the guy I interviewed was not off base at all. xoxo
Openminded
Mikey, Enjoyed the article, and yes, I realized it was more about the internet behavior than the actual question at hand. If you want to see how brutal the internet can be, just hang around here awhile and wait for the hateful banter that is typically present, especially on the political topics. Just like in your article, a certain percentage seem to be unrelated to the actual topic and more of a perceived opportunity to bash someone who dares think differently.
trsxyz
Trimming is such a personal decision. It’s tough to know whether it’s safe to discuss without creating bad feelings. If you really like this guy, but feel the need to pursue the trimming issue, then I agree with the idea of bringing it up in some kind of a playful “grooming party” atmosphere.
GayEGO
If ya don’t like the hair, get someone else who has less hair!
Mikeymusto
That is discussed in the article and does not turn out to be a valid argument in this case.
linedrive
No no no. Stop it, guys. Pubes are awesome! Leave them alone. (disclaimer: I realize this is an opinion but it’s the correct one)
Mikeymusto
Please read my article above. The pubes were overgrown and getting in the way and the guy eventually brought it up himself.
linedrive
@Mikeymusto: I read it, glad it had a happy ending. Of course my opinion is worth no more than anyone else’s. Just being cheeky.
linedrive
@Mikeymusto: You did invite us to weigh in on this TOPIC in your final sentence. That was me weighing in. People should of course do their own thing.
Openminded
linedrive, I appreciate the fact that you realize we all have the option to shave. I would never ARGUE with you on this subject, I’ll just explain why I’m right. LOL. You brought out my cheeky side. Honestly, I’m surprised so many here are so vocal about Not shaving/trimming. I would have thought most would have preferred shaving/trimming. I will add that I thought the guy who originally posted the question was being a bit over the top by claiming he was having a hard time breathing with all the pubes.
barryaksarben
OPINION means no right or wrong way
eeebee333
I would rather have a mouthful of pubic hair than to be with a guy with a shaved or even trimmed crotch.
Josh S
Shaving below the neck is emasculation.
barryaksarben
YOu must be joking? lol Why stop there? If he combs his hair or even bathes it he isnt masculine. NO it is just grooming. Some men groom more than others. It has always been that way. Wither way if the guy is hot, and nice Im there.There is something about knowing you have all of it without even the space of a hair between you
AshtonC
but why? who cares? whatever.
Cam
I don’t think the guy was being a jerk unless he was so nitpicky that he would dump the guy over it. I’m not sure it’s as big a deal as he was making it. Too bad he got raked over the coals for a simple question.
barryaksarben
Im either way. I dont care. The hair isnt why Im there. I did have my 1 year younger brother find a pube in my teeth right after I returned to the party with his best friend so it can be a problem., TRUE STORY
Topman60640
Pre video store porn rentals (1985ish?) this wouldn’t have even been a question. Look at what the “vintage” (and idealized) porn looked like; with few exceptions, completely natural.
But after 30+ years of shaved Falcon and Colt boys…this is what you end up with, along with tweezed eyebrows and waxed holes. Ewww…just ewwwa.
I’m sorry if you got shorted in the meat department, but trimming/shaving it DOESN’T make it look bigger…which is what this is really all about…
Real men don’t manscape below the belt. You want 2 eyebrows, not one? I get it. Wax your back, ok sure, i guess. But conforming to other people’s expectations ends at the top of my 501’s