Sorry I'm Lying

Ryan Lochte Apologizes “For My Behavior”; Won’t Admit He Lied About Being Robbed

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“This was a situation that could and should have been avoided. I accept responsibility for my role in this happening and have learned some valuable lessons.”

Related: 10 Times Ryan Lochte Was A Perfect ‘Sex Idiot’

That’s a snippet of Ryan Lochte’s limp, long-winded Instagram apology, which he posted this morning in light of revelations that he had not, in fact, get attacked at gunpoint in a Rio de Janeiro gas station last weekend, as he breathlessly told the press and Brazilian authorities this week:

A photo posted by Ryanlochte (@ryanlochte) on

Related: Is Ryan Lochte Lying About Being Robbed At Gunpoint In Rio?

And yet, despite strong evidence to the contrary, he’s still insisting he was robbed:

It’s traumatic to be out late with your friends in a foreign country — with a language barrier —  and have a stranger point a gun at you and demand money to let you leave.”

Talking to USA Today Sports on Tuesday, Lochte claimed he and three teammates –Jimmy Feigen, Jack Conger, and Gunnar Bentz — were  robbed, but “initially did not tell the U.S. Olympic Committee… ‘because we were afraid we’d get in trouble.’”

One especially ghoulish aspect of the story: he painted himself as a brave soul who wouldn’t bow down to these imaginary, extremely dangerous Brazilian armed robbers:

We got pulled over, in the taxi, and these guys came out with a badge, a police badge, no lights, no nothing just a police badge and they pulled us over,” Lochte said. “They pulled out their guns, they told the other swimmers to get down on the ground — they got down on the ground. I refused, I was like we didn’t do anything wrong, so — I’m not getting down on the ground.

“And then the guy pulled out his gun, he cocked it, put it to my forehead and he said, ‘Get down,’ and I put my hands up, I was like ‘whatever.’ He took our money, he took my wallet — he left my cell phone, he left my credentials.”

On Thursday, Brazilian sources released surveillance footage that shows one of the swimmers fighting with a gas station security guard. A Brazilian police officer told ABC News “one of the swimmers was seen on CCTV footage breaking down the door to the bathroom at [a] gas station and fighting with a security guard.”

The swimmers allegedly “offered 100 reais and $20” to cover any damages.

According to The New York TimesLochte’s teammates gave sworn statements to Brazilian authorities in which they described “public urination, vandalism and other drunken antics by the swimmers.”

Unsurprisingly, social media is far from impressed with Lochte’s apology:

As a palette cleanser, let’s re-watch these FOX TV anchors read Lochte to filth in 2013, laughing so hard they cry: