Oh Ryan, you precious meathead. You are so nice to look at, and so full of protein. Your lovely body is a beauty to behold; and your hair, when you have not accidentally dyed it green, is a thing of loveliness.
It’s no wonder you were cast as “Sex Idiot” on that one episode of 30 Rock.
Please, do not speak another word. Or maybe do: sometimes, the jumble of words falling from your lips only serves to highlight that you have two main functions in the public sphere — to swim and be gazed upon.
Alas, Ryan has recently developed a third function, and that is to be a jailhouse model after being accused by the Brazilian police of fabricating a story about being held up at gunpoint. The truth, they say, is that he and some other swimmers broke a bathroom door at a gas station. Why would this require an elaborate hoax about a holdup? Who knows how Ryan might have located this story in the labyrinth of his mind.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
But it is certainly not the first time that Ryan has made our hearts sigh and compare him to the childlike Darryl Hannah in the movie Splash. Here are some of his greatest hits:
1. “These are my shoes that I designed from top to the very sole to the very top to the bottom. Laces.”
Yes Ryan. Very good. Do you need help with the laces? Maybe next time we’ll get you shoes with velcro, kiddo. Please try to hold your ice cream cone level while we tie them for you.
2. “One of my favorite movies: What Women Want.”
Very nice. What do women want, Ryan? Is it conversation and intellectual stimulation? Of course they do, but that is not all. They also appreciate a man’s chest. You have a fine one, so you should probably get it out now. Very good.
3. “One time I really had to go, man, and I was up in the next heat. So I got up on the blocks and I just started peeing in my Speedo. On top of the blocks. And I had my goggles on and started crying because I thought everyone behind me was looking at me and laughing.”
Oh come here you precious little man. Don’t cry. Rest your head right here. That’s right. There there. Just sit right there on our lap and you can pee on us all day long.
4. “You know what? Ryan Lochte is a pretty good speechmaker.”
Yes you are. Who’s a pretty good speechmaker? It’s you. You are. Yes you. What a good speechmaker. The best. Oh so good. You want the ball? Here’s the ball. Ready? Ready? Here it comes. Go fetch!
5. “We have a lot of stuff in common. She likes salt and vinegar chips, like the white gummy bears, she lives here in Miami.”
Never before has a menu item screamed “Miami” quite like salt and vinegar chips with white gummy bears. Unclear how this particular course is served, but let’s assume it’s at a sleepover where Ryan has been allowed to watch an PG-13-rated movie for the first time. That movie is “Evolution” starring David Duchovny and Orlando Jones.
6. “The reason why I love swimming is because racing.”
Yes, vroom vroom, off you go! What a fast little man you are. Champion!
7. “I never knew having a banana and drinking Sprite you automatically puke!”
Well, that’s not strictly true, Ryan. You can have a banana and Sprite together, but if you then mistake a bottle of Windex for a sports drink that might upset your tummy.
8. “To travel is sometimes better to arrive.”
Oh, that’s a very … okay, sure.
9. “I believe everyone has a soul mate that they can spend the rest of their life together.”
Aw, yes, what a pretty thing to believe. Are we soulmates, Ryan? It’s possible we are, and not just because we have chained you naked to the living room sofa. (It’s for your own safety.)
10. “In life, I’m always living life to the fullest to always have fun.”
Us too, Ryan, us too.
Theonewhoismany
While I am not athletic, I do recognize that many sports require cunning, strategy and probability analysis. Having said that, I shall state that Ryan Locate competes in an activity that requires him to swim in a straight line and stop when he hits a wall.
jdboston617
You must be kidding? You’re making him into a rock star.
He’s not. He’s a 32 year liar who let down his team, fans, and country.
Ridiculous article.
Heywood Jablowme
Queerty, this is even sadder than Dan Savage being so in lo-o-o-o-ove with Ashton Kutcher.
DDstar1me
Awww..he’s a little touched. Can’t fix stupid. I have a feeling this will only bring him more celebrity. OOOhh..America. lol
RIGay
As I recall, we learned a while ago that the Ryan was rather… dense. No surprise. NEXT!!!
Paco
The eighth quote – “To travel is sometimes better to arrive.” – obviously needed more time to bake in his pretty little head before being ready for public consumption.
I wonder how often his sex partners hush him and politely tell him not to ruin the moment with unnecessary words.
da90027
I don’t find him that hot especially when you add the stupid factor. I bet he is emtionally satisfied watching the Kardashians…poor thing
PJBFan
Too dumb to be hot. I can’t even…
robho3
Hot until he opens his mouth. Stupid people are not sexy. I think the chlorine got into his brain and effected it.
AxelDC
Which is dumber: Ryan Lochte or this article? Hard to decide.
Hussain-TheCanadian
Number 9 made me giggle ?
Hussain-TheCanadian
That was supposed to be an angel emoji not a question mark queerty!!!
Steverino2
I hope he had a great time at that party ’cause it may cost him beaucoups bucks in lost endorsements. If it was not for CCTV , it would be any easy charge to dispute. They got him on video. He also had a previous charge of public urination.
CityBoy300
http://fritzlovesoscars.blogspot.com/2011/08/number-30-dianne-wiest-as-helen.html
ShowMeGuy
Not sure what major endorsement deals Ryan Lochte could possibly be pulling…..and that was BEFORE this weirdness.
At best he was looking at offers from sex lube, gay cruise ships, palm springs foam parties, an maybe a condom company.
Good thing he is pretty and looks great wet and naked…..He’s as dumb as a sack of hammers.
Billy Budd
Now don’t come complaining when foreigners call you Stupid Americans. He tried to say bad things about my country but it backfired.
Sluggo2007
I, personally, don’t find him physically attractive. Add to that the fact that he’s got the mind of a 12 year old and he’s a total turnoff.
gaym50ish
We should take it easy on the poor guy. He has just lost millions of dollars in potential endorsement deals. Even the top PR firm he hired can’t fix that.
charlie_jackpot
I never got the Lochte fascination – out of all the swimmers he’s not the best looking or successful. Phelps is more handsome than this guy with a better body
jag4313
He’s just a pretty face.
He BGB
He is DEFINITELY straight. A Gay man would give much wittier remarks. I think Phelps is a pretty smart cookie that thinks about more than just pushing himself through water but he has the advantage of having a long torso and short legs, perfect for swimming. Lochte.has nice eyes. But kinda a hatchet face. Most of these guys have gorgeous bodies but once they leave training it’s trollsville. Although getting that silverdaddies hair color is something a straight guy wouldn’t do. I guess he’s a tuna man though.
ymck
He’s pretty and swims fast. Expecting more is asking to be disappointed.
BillSam
The comments about stupid articles like this, with some silly queen of an editor obsessing over a straight guy, always generate negative responses — yet Queerty keeps publishing shit like this. I assume the editors never read the comments, or just don’t care. Talk about being out of touch with your audience. Maybe we should all just un-subscribe?