A straight guy says all he wants it for his girlfriend to play with his butt, but she won’t do it because she thinks it means he’s secretly gay, so he’s seeking advice from our buddy Rich Juzwiak over at Slate.
The man, who describes himself as a more dominate type in the bedroom, says he and his girlfriend are deeply committed to each other and have a very “sexually fulfilling” relationship.
“I enjoy being the aggressor in my sexual relationships,” he writes, “something my girlfriend is clearly attracted to.”
But, he says, “I have another side, my backside, which I really want violated.”
He continues: “I’ve never been attracted to an actual human male, but I fantasize obsessively about bottoming for some abstract male. My porn of choice is pegging when it’s not MMF threesomes. I dream of submission.”
Nothing wrong with that. There’s just one teeny, tiny problem. His girlfriend “hates all of this.”
“I have opened up to her, but she freaks out at my gentle suggestions that she can fulfill these needs,” he writes. “She fears that I am secretly gay, that I will leave her over my unmet needs, but she is also grossed out and unwilling to explore the role reversal I want to try.”
He continues, “She was attracted to an aggressor, not a submissive, and is not game to renegotiate the terms. I am not going to leave her over my need to be penetrated, nor am I going to convince her to do it.”
Now he wonders: Where does this desire come from? And can he “overcome” it?
In his response, Juzwiak tells the man there’s nothing wrong with wanted a little backdoor stimulation.
“I don’t think it’s a good idea to try to ‘overcome’ a desire that is natural and harmless,” he writes. “Prostate manipulation is highly pleasurable for many men—it’s just sitting up there, waiting to be played with. And plenty of men crave submission.”
The real problem, he continues, is his girlfriend.
“With all due respect, your partner is ignorant,” he writes. “She doesn’t seem to be aware of the considerable population of self-identified heterosexual men who enjoy pegging. She seems to have a black-and-white view of masculinity.”
Juzwiak goes on to explain that it’s perfectly normal for a man to enjoy being both dominate and submission in the bedroom, and if his girlfriend has an issue with that, she doesn’t have to partake.
“But her speculation about your sexuality and fidelity is over the line,” he says.
He suggests the man have a serious talk with his girlfriend and let her know that his sexual desires and curiosities aren’t a threat to his heterosexuality, nor are they all that uncommon. If she still doesn’t get it, “get yourself a dildo and go to town on yourself during your alone time.”
What do you think this guy should do? Share your advice in the comments section below…
Great another heterosexual obsessive post from Graham. So gross!
Great, another comment criticizing Graham for his supposed obsession with straight men. Yet you (and others) seem to read and comment on every one of them. If you don’t like them, don’t read them
Not only that but he edits out the icky parts he doesn’t like. Like the original picture show’s an older average guy replaced for a smooth muscular twenty something and of coarse that he’s in his 50s. It’s literally the only thing he edited out.
Grahams spank material basically. Lol
I dated a hot straight twink for years….He is legitimately straight…I was the one and only male he had found attractive and bottomed for…..
Tightest rump evahhhh
Didn’t read the article, and comments here are where people complain. Don’t care if you have an issue with it. As you were!
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
I’m not going to criticize Graham, though as soon as I saw the headline I knew he posted this. But the article does raise an interesting question about what someone ought to do if they’re in a relationship and they have basic desires that are not being met. This man is intrigued by pornography featuring submissive sex and threesomes involving two men and a woman, and wants to engage in not just passive but submissive sex. But his girlfriend is disgusted by it. So does he suppress those desires, which will manifest themselves in other ways, or secretly act on them, or drop the girlfriend and find someone who’s willing to participate or at least give him the leeway in the relationship to do this. This is as applicable to LGBTQ relationships as it is to this ostensibly straight one. Rich Juzwiak doesn’t really answer this more basic question; even if the guy starts in with a dildo on the regular, that girlfriend is still going to be freaking out. So then what? This guy’s unmet desires and fantasies aren’t going away.
That stock photo and making sure to put “straight guy” in a headline every few days is very much a clickbait and Graham’s redundant fetishes thing. But yes, these scenarios aren’t that unusual. It’s perhaps even less unusual in “queer relationships”, but this site doesn’t care about nuance unless a dude says he’s “straight” or he has a gf/wife. It’s ultimately a matter of fluidity and fantasy. A hetero-married guy I had a mini affair with in my early twenties was kinda like that: became more and more obsessed with penis and bottoming for a dude. But he only developed minor attractions to the entirety of a male, never gained overall same-sex preferences, never really gained any desire to get persistent passions, affections, affirmation, love from a guy or have a legit relationship with a dude. After our lil’ affair ended we continued working with each other for years. He eventually got a divorce. We still talked a lot, and he claimed he never really messed around with dudes after me. And he continued to exclusively date women and use porn and dildos.
There are indeed “gays” who become vagina focused as they get older or become more into topping women. That doesn’t really mean that they develop overall hetero preferences. Hell, some don’t even stop considering themselves to be “gay”. While some of those guys try to be with women or try to present themselves as “straight” despite never really developing overall hetero preferences. They just like messing around with women. It’s impossible to nail down the dimensions of someone’s orientation or their sexual journey.
In these scenarios, there are certain questions you need to ask yourself and that you need to be able to answer for your partner. Is it a genital thing? Is it a sexual behavior thing? Do you have general growing attractions and passions towards that type of person? Do you want more than sex from that type of person? Do you want to please and reward this type of person? Do you want attention, affections, affirmation, love from that type of person? This is why it’s so important for the general population to understand fluidity and understand the gender, romantic, sexual, fascination, affection, emotional fulfillment, relationship contentment spectrum is so important. This site merely wants to use “straight” and identity politics for clickbait and fantasy instead of tackling nuanced, difficult topics. But of course, that’s nothing new.
Sister Bertha Bedderthanyu
Lord, I ask you. How many essays do these SAME people need to write to convey a view only they understand?
Oh Sister Sister Sister,
Travesties do beset us. And this is Sunday. Do we get a day of rest? No. I get through one quarter of what this guy says and cease into eye roll.
This commenter has been reprinting the same thick headed cut and paste eulogy for what seems like forever, and he can’t hear the plethora of get lost complaints about his quicksand purile ‘you need to do this’ writing bc he’s far too psychotic narcissistic and attention seeking. So repeat he must with lackluster results.
I’ve never witnessed anyone begging for validation like this one. He surely knows the overt art of reversingly pushing people away. But then there’s a Sybil in every apple box unfortunately.
He does however garner points for most noxious blowhard colorless boring judgemental one-trak repetitive writer ever to hurl online. I give him 5 stars for that.
Then there’s the direct approach:
Why commenter, do so many people complain about your writing?
Note he never answers directly. He deflects.
I just love how I trigger ya’ll insecure, ignorant lames. And the only response ya’ll come up with are shallow insults, because you don’t know how to engage in nuanced and difficult convo, and you haven’t done your research. I guess it’s either a matter of ignorance is bliss, or my posts make you feel exposed. Either way, it’s not my problem. But please, what I talk about is talked about all over the damn internet, and many famous people/public figures have indulged these discussions. Stay pressed. It’s entertaining. Furthermore, Josh, how are things going with your imaginary “straight friend” who resents trans people and non-binary/fem guys?
Anyways, buy/stream Fiona Apple’s new album. Might subdue some of those insecurities and that tired, toxic energy.
Sister Bertha Bedderthanyu
Thank you for confirming the biggest fools and phonies on this thread are the ones who think they are better than everyone else. My name was chosen as a gag. ALL of your names have the ring of a humorless fool from a poor background who really does think that he is better. Its too bad Xamilloh quit commenting on here because you kept badgering his comments (2019 during the Jussie Smollett debacle when I went on hiatus for seven months) for their grammar and couldn’t see the stuck up queen you are. I miss Xamilloh because he too was one of Queerty’s pioneers.
You nailed it sister. As deflective and delusional as ever, he’s the poster boy definition of superiority complex. He’s most likely been pushed out of other circles for his boasting superior manner and nausous school marm banter with this site as his last hurrah.
What mister droll doesn’t realize is he’s talking way below most people’s pay grade and that we find much of his blather convoluted drummed up and unfit for conversation. But then his type will rarely if ever see their blind spots.
I always sleep with straight men they love it deep and hard, they like to receive
That’s exactly what my straight friend who does guys says. They like it deep and hard.
Thanks Graham you’ve done it again. My favorite subject! (wink:)
I think she might be right and is scared titless that he’s gay, but should really look at it that he may be bisexual. Either way, sounds like she is outta there if he braves the dragon. He’s gonna do it anyway at some point so might as well do it and let the condom wrappers fall where they may. Also best to do it now before a wife and kids are part of the picture. Who knows whose bed he’s going to grace after being plowed and pummeled by the right super stud. Sounds very hot for mister aggressive to be giv’n it up.
If a guy is fantasizing about sex with another man, it’s not “over the line” if his girlfriend questions whether he is actually gay, or at least bisexual. The question is why is that such a problem for this girl? The problem here appears to be his girlfriend has been thoroughly indoctrinated by our homophobic culture.
I think it’s pretty simple, the vast majority have zero interest in sharing their sex partners with another human. It’s called monogamy.
Most men, gay or straight, are anally erotic, so this guy’s fantasies are not surprising. He needs to get a dildo, and if his girlfriend won’t use it on him, use it himself in private.
But, that’s not addressing the main part of his desire to be dominated, that and the fact he fantasizes it being done by a non descriptive male.
Clearly he’s having bisexual desires, he loves dominating his girlfriend but desires being submissive with another male.
If he doesn’t address this both with himself and the girlfriend, he’s going to eventually begin to resent the GF for being unwilling to fulfill his needs.
Had a buddy that sounded just like this guy. Uber masculine but loved anal play with toys. He was talking to me once about it and said he always wondered what a real dick felt like. So one night we were drinking and he brought the topic up again. What’s a friend to do so I topped him. Was very unattached and when he was done he actually said yeah that what I thought it felt like. He still loves toys but I dont think he’s ever been with a guy again
@ryantbo sexy to hear that…. Same thing happened with me. Though I did it a few times with him (I call him straight-living, and he has 3 kids)…we talked beforehand…and because we kind of had increasing chemistry, it was just erotic, tho not romantic we did it a few more times. Trust was good too. Stunning some guys on here freak out about the author. The article has truths to it, and I’ve lived it. + it’s a lot less of a big deal.
Why doesn’t she just peg him? And by the way, maybe he’s not straight, but bisexual. The longer I live, the more the Kinsey scale makes sense to me. I think of myself as gay and NOT bisexual, but occasionally…
Yep, me too! From the age of nineteen STRICTLY a meat and two veg guy – NEVER eat fish.
“The man, who describes himself as a more dominate type in the bedroom”
It’s DOMINANT not DOMINATE!!! To dominate is a verb. The position is DOMINANT.
Don’t you guys have an editor on board?
I’ll give one for the team and volunteer as tribute…
Oh, honey just DO IT. You’re only this way once. If the girlfriend is freaked out, ditch her and get another one who isn’t..!
Me thinks what ‘ee truly craves is the drama of it all. Oh!
Closeted homo. Maybe he’ll wake up one day and discover who he really is.
I agree . I don’t for a second believe that he’s straight, but he seems to think, as a lot of gay men seem to do these days, that it’s unfashionable to label one’s self as gay.
Yes you’re right. I have a str8 friend who does guys and refuses to join with drag queens and the lgbtq banner, saying it doesn’t fit him and holds too much stigma and baggage he doesn’t feel like dragging around or being associated with. I have to say after being saddled with more letters than LGB ever should have, he makes sense.
Or closet bisexual. Doesn’t need to be a black and white thing.
I had a 3yr affair with an older married very masculine retired sheriff Sargent. He wasn’t romantically attracted to men, he just liked receiving what he couldn’t get from his wife. At first it was purely oral. I was the first guy he blew and I was first person to rim him. 2 yrs into it he asked to be topped. He loved it! He was a grandfather who lived a straight life except for our play sessions. He loved his wife, stayed married, and had his secret. It can be done.
@iauajo sexy story…..very close to the same situation here. I call them ‘straight living’ and they don’t want to change their lives as you said. If you discuss all this before hand, it is what it is. And holy cow the sex can be hot.
Come on! What straight man fantasizes about being taken by a man, and has a GF to boot! Then proceeds to blame a portion of his “fantasies” on his GF. The guy’s not straight! Think back, what were your first sexual fantasies? The only thing that probably mattered at the time was you didn’t care if the other person was gay or straight. I sure didn’t, I just wanted my fantasy to become a reality.
I used to imagine being with a woman when I was young. Years after coming out as gay – and I mean like a decade or more – I’ve messed around with women. I’m still curious about “going all the way”. I don’t think it makes me not gay.
If his fantasy is to be raped by a man, maybe he should try being in prison for a while. Some big, bad dude named Bubba might want him.
If you sleep with a guy, that’s not straight. He’s either gay or bi. If you sleep with the same sex, then the label is gay. That’s the definition of what it means to be gay. If he’s still attracted to the opposite sex as well, then that’s called bisexual.
There’s nothing wrong with pegging. If he’s into MMF – in which he interacts with the other guy – then he’s bi. NBD. It’s only an issue because of his gf and he seems to prefer pegging over a threesome.
All that aside, pegging doesn’t necessarily mean he’s any less the aggressor. In fact, maybe that should be his angle. Be dominant. Tell her what to do. However, in the end, this is how it works. Not every sexual fantasy in the bedroom is met and it’s something you have to live with. Otherwise, the dildo idea works. Infidelity is off the table as far as I’m concerned.
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