A gay man seeking advice on how to appear “gayer” has prompted a flurry of responses online.
The man wrote to the AskGayBros subreddit. He asked, “How can I come off gayer?” Then he went on to explain that people always presume him to be straight.
“I talk like a straight guy, I only wear comfortable clothes, and it makes me look even straighter. I have a few gay mannerisms, but not enough, and all my hobbies and interests are not the stereotypical gay ones.”
He worried that it might hurt his “chances of finding boyfriend material when no one would guess that I’m not straight.”
The query may well surprise some people. So many generations of gay men have been forced to hide their sexuality that being “straight-passing” has developed a certain value in the eyes of some.
Spend any time on dating apps and it’s clear that many men still tend to go for “masc” dudes. There can also be open hostility toward femme guys. So why would someone wish to let go of his straight-passing privilege?
Then again, this particular poster is not asking to appear lessmasculine: He just wants other gay people to realize he might be part of the community.
Either way, lots of people chipped in with helpful suggestions.
Rainbow accessories
The most popular was the simple, “Wear a rainbow watch band.” The original poster said this had not occurred to him but he’d gone ahead and ordered one.
Others offered variations on the same theme.
“Get a rainbow keychain and casually set your keys on the table next to your coffee mug at work meetings.”
“My boyfriend is like you and wears a rainbow belt,” said another. “Get a rainbow wristband or watch band. Get some pins for your backpack. Get a shirt that tastefully insinuates you are gay. I have a Stonewall shirt that I really like that doesn’t look mega flamboyant but it’s one of those ‘IYKYK’ things.”
“I knew a guy who I couldn’t tell,” added another responder. “He got a small and very discreet rainbow bracelet that he wore everywhere, and wore it in a photo on social media – that did the trick.”
Others pointed out that being straight-passing has its advantages in the world of gay dating.
“I have good news. If you are so masculine that you never trigger anyone’s gaydar, gay guys will crawl through broken glass to take a crack at you. Guys that don’t ‘look gay’ are in high demand.”
Another suggested this only works if one is already considered attractive.
Proving that this wasn’t a unique problem, one guy said he had the same issue.
“I’m the same. The amount of gay guys who told me they thought I was straight when they saw me at the gym or out in public on campus and were glad I’m not is too many. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to find a way to be obvious.”
Do you ever try to discreetly indicate you’re gay in certain environments? Such as work or at the gym? Is it something you feel you try to actively hide? Or is it simply something you never think about? Let us know below.
Maybe you could try asking out a nice guy you suspect is gay rather than wearing a rainbow wristband. You would need to put yourself in places where you might encounter such people.
If you’re reasonably attractive and single and wait long enough to do anything, expecting someone else to find you instead, everybody will suspect you’re gay one day. Unless you’re a Republican politician.
A date with Lindsey Graham or a date with abfab. That’s an existential dilemma. Might even turn a gay man straight. Don’t tell the reparative therapists.
Sure, it he’s a gerontophile. Since the only guys who would know that this is some kind of signal are well over 60. And maybe about 2% of them might have some vague recollection of what it meant.
actually I am very attracted to obviously gay men as I. dont want some jerk laying back demanding I blow him when I can blow a guy who will gladly return the favor. My type is. what my friends call “goofy cute”and slightly feminine. I found gay guys who were so obsessed with appearing masculine boring. It is to each his or her own and to demand all gay guys fit your strict interpretation is as bad as straight people demanding we all be straight. Being truly gay is being free to and love whom and be attracted to whomever you want. Jesus how old do you have to be to figure that out
There are people lined up to date people like Dylan M. and there are many who prefer guys with some meat on their bones. The gay world does not just consist of muscle bound twenty somethings or twinks who skip dinner so they can take that muscle relaxer and enjoy. Most don’t fit into a box and don’t have time for those who haven’t been exposed to anyone that doesn’t step inside a circuit party
Rainbow anything on you could also be taken that you’re a gay ally..I have a rainbow wristband. Got compliments on it a few times from dept store cashiers
I’m not fully out to everyone at work. Two of my coworkers are homophobic to varying degrees, and they don’t really need to know. I suspect when the more homophobic one retires (soonish?!); I may come out to other one.
But until then I do have a discreet but noticeable black plastic pride band, I got on Etsy a few years back that I wear on and off. IYKYK.
Be realistic. I never understood how one “finds” a boyfriend. You meet someone, there is a spark, then a flame, then a slow burn, then it’s done. Or maybe that’s just me.
must be a slow ‘news’ day, the guys sit around the lunch table and make up these over the top ridiculous stories. I thought made up agony aunt stories went out with classifieds.
Why don’t you use some of your frequent flights-of-fantasy-miles to get your tired ass to Gaza and serve as a human shield? I’d bet you get more compliments there in a burqa than you do here with your face showing.
Then again, a human shield has to be human, so you might not qualify.
If you’re gay and comfortable with being gay yet pass as straight, what’s the problem? As for work, keep your private life and work life separate. There are 3 things that’re off the table to talk about at work: religion, politics and your home or personal life. Keeping these issues out of the work place is smart as everyone has views on these and you don’t want to open Pandora’s box with anyone with differing opinions, views or beliefs, especially those who determine your raises and promotions and who sign your payheck. Most companies have anti dating coworker policies and dating someone at work can lead to problems and conflicts. What if you guys break up yet have to work with each other and neither of you are ready to resign and find a new job? On the other hand, sometimes you have to take a calculated risk. if you see someone at work you think might be gay, chat him up. Many gay men spill the coffee quickly. Casually ask him if he’d like to join you for an after work beer or drink on a Friday evening and if he knows a good place to meet for that drink. If he mentions a straight place you have your answer and if he mentions a gay bar, there you are. You are free to have that drink and talk and if you get the feeling he’s straight and has a nice personality and you get along well, you might have found a budding friendship. In that case, don’t complicate things.
If you don’t talk about religion, politics, and home at work, your office must be sterile, unfriendly, and boring. And you must not have any coworkers who are friends.
Of course, I imagine that if your feelings about Christians and Republicans matches what many Queerty commenters express, it’s best to keep your mouth shut at work, because you’ll only be making enemies.
Here’s an idea for Freddy and winemaker. Keep your private lives private. Then we’ll never have to follow your recommendations on how to live in a closet….a very mundane, dark and suffocating closet.
I passed as straight until I was 40. When I came out to my sister and asked her if she had suspected, she said no, she was completely surprised. Never dawned on her that my dating only 2 women briefly in all that time was a big clue.
I’m not even going to touch that assinine and extremely personal comment. And FYI, you told everyone this a few weeks back. Still useless information and irrelevant.
I’ve known guys like this and it’s a pretty sad predicament. It’s well illustrated for younger people by Kit Connor’s character in Heartstopper. A mix of shyness, loneliness, fear of betraying one’s non-gay friends, a sense of not “fitting in” to the commercial gay world – and a fear of “coming out” – all play into the dilemma.
Older gays who suffer this situation are just “Nicks” who never found their “Charlie” in high school. These are the guys whose “gayness” never registers for the people around them. They often get married and have kids – and then come out late in life. “Passing as straight” can have tragic consequences.
Down here in Mobile, where gay marriages actually do last a lifetime, I don’t see many guys acting as either straight or gay stereotypes (although they almost all do drag at Mardi Gras).
But the biggest screaming queens – they identify as bisexual and usually have a wife or ex-wife and some kids. It’s hard to believe the wives didn’t know what they were getting into; everyone else certainly did.
I have often come across the phrase “straight acting” and I always laugh. What is straight acting? Is it swilling back beers, with your buds and seeing who can belch the loudest? If u have to act straight, then honey, u r gay. You know it, and those around you know it. Most can read thru ur “disquise”. Sit at a gay bar. Turn on your gay and enjoy your new found freedom. Sing a few show tunes, or talk about Judy Garland or any gay icon past present That will get you noticed and/or kicked out of the bar.
Freddy enjoys living in the dark. You are actually happy being uninformed.
There are countless number of young people who know who Judy Garland is. Billions! They first learn about her in The Wizard Of Oz. And they still talk about her. And so do adult men of all ages, Gay or Heterosexuals. Straight men do not know or talk about Judy, because they are straight.
Many go on to study and involve themselves in the fine arts. Many go into television, screen and stage, design and animation.
You have done nothing with your life here, except to push back against joy and any semblance of a Gay Life Style. You may be a big homo, but you are not Gay.
RIP JUDY Garland, you will be here with us forever.
@abfab
If you think young gay guys are talking about Judy Garland, you haven’t spent enough time around young people. The 30-something engineers I’ve worked with get few of the cultural references I once thought were universal.
I’m out at work, abfab. I get along reasonably well with Christians and Republicans at work and in my neighborhood, too. You should stay in your ghetto, because you would melt in the first rain outside of Oz.
In this day and age it may not be safe to be out but wear a pink triangle cross in your ear that should do it! Play the music you would hear in the clubs and wear your jeans super tight with a bare chest And to the readers that do not like this story if you do not want to read it then don’t!
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FreddieW
Maybe you could try asking out a nice guy you suspect is gay rather than wearing a rainbow wristband. You would need to put yourself in places where you might encounter such people.
If you’re reasonably attractive and single and wait long enough to do anything, expecting someone else to find you instead, everybody will suspect you’re gay one day. Unless you’re a Republican politician.
still_onthemark
“Unless”? Maybe *especially* if you’re a Republican politician!
abfab
Or just a republican. Go away..no need to apply.
FreddieW
A date with Lindsey Graham or a date with abfab. That’s an existential dilemma. Might even turn a gay man straight. Don’t tell the reparative therapists.
abfab
Pence is more your kind of fellow. Does your husband let you out once in a while to date? You do sound rather desperate and troll-like.
FreddieW
Never met anyone that matches up to my partner, and never looked for anyone else. He’s pretty much perfect.
jax florida
Blue bandana? Right rear pocket?
Mattster
If it’s 1974, sure.
Joshooeerr
Sure, it he’s a gerontophile. Since the only guys who would know that this is some kind of signal are well over 60. And maybe about 2% of them might have some vague recollection of what it meant.
TheDefiler
“How do I cynically present as gerontophilic without coming off as a gerontophobe? Sincerely, — Matt & Josh”
inbama
What nonsense.
Gay personal ads used to be full of “no femmes or fatties” exclusions, and they’d be there on dating sites today if they hadn’t been banned.
You think there are scores of guys lining up for a date with Jeffrey Marsh or pre-transition Dylan Mulvaney?
abfab
Yes, after they lined up for you, anything was acceptable.
Based on your personal ad memory, you didn’t stand any chance at all.
barryaksarben
actually I am very attracted to obviously gay men as I. dont want some jerk laying back demanding I blow him when I can blow a guy who will gladly return the favor. My type is. what my friends call “goofy cute”and slightly feminine. I found gay guys who were so obsessed with appearing masculine boring. It is to each his or her own and to demand all gay guys fit your strict interpretation is as bad as straight people demanding we all be straight. Being truly gay is being free to and love whom and be attracted to whomever you want. Jesus how old do you have to be to figure that out
Fname Optional Lname
There are people lined up to date people like Dylan M. and there are many who prefer guys with some meat on their bones. The gay world does not just consist of muscle bound twenty somethings or twinks who skip dinner so they can take that muscle relaxer and enjoy. Most don’t fit into a box and don’t have time for those who haven’t been exposed to anyone that doesn’t step inside a circuit party
Terrycloth
Rainbow anything on you could also be taken that you’re a gay ally..I have a rainbow wristband. Got compliments on it a few times from dept store cashiers
radiooutmike
I’m not fully out to everyone at work. Two of my coworkers are homophobic to varying degrees, and they don’t really need to know. I suspect when the more homophobic one retires (soonish?!); I may come out to other one.
But until then I do have a discreet but noticeable black plastic pride band, I got on Etsy a few years back that I wear on and off. IYKYK.
SDR94103
stupidest non story of the month. So dumb.
barryaksarben
I agree, It isn’t there arent gay men out there hitting on straight guys all the damned time
KissBananaPeels
Thank you so dumb and reeks of toxicity but hey “straightness” is what is celebrated in this “community”
dbmcvey
I think I have to call b.s. on this.
mildredspierce
Be realistic. I never understood how one “finds” a boyfriend. You meet someone, there is a spark, then a flame, then a slow burn, then it’s done. Or maybe that’s just me.
Pietro D
Are these non-stories really worth the print?
Give us something of consequence, not these
lame-wristed so-called human-interest BS.
LifeinShaw
So dumb. All he has to do is join Tinder or Hinge and he’ll get picked up right away.
abfab
Or prance around Dupont CIrcle with bells on. : )
Diplomat
Or one lunch w abfab at Olive and he’ll be prancing like a loon….
dbmcvey
Or one lunch w Diplo and his IQ will plummet!
nm4047
must be a slow ‘news’ day, the guys sit around the lunch table and make up these over the top ridiculous stories. I thought made up agony aunt stories went out with classifieds.
abfab
Anything to distract from the warmongers in Israel bombing the shit out of people is a good thing. Bring it.
I’m sure things are going to work out just fine for Benny…another right wing monster.
inbama
@abfab
Why don’t you use some of your frequent flights-of-fantasy-miles to get your tired ass to Gaza and serve as a human shield? I’d bet you get more compliments there in a burqa than you do here with your face showing.
Then again, a human shield has to be human, so you might not qualify.
As the late Gilda Ratner said, “Never mind.”
abfab
You are a pig. You and Netanhyahu should both resign. You are both failures.
inbama
@abfab
As strongly as you feel about the issue, have you purchased one of those hot-off-the-press Palestinian Progress-Pride Flags yet?
So intersectional – you can fly them anywhere!
Well, except in Palestine.
FreddieW
@inbama
+10
abfab
Who is Gilda Ratner? Anybody know?
inbama
That’s how Hamas spells it.
I wanted you to feel comfortable.
FreddieW
+20
abfab
Man, you guys are lame.
winemaker
If you’re gay and comfortable with being gay yet pass as straight, what’s the problem? As for work, keep your private life and work life separate. There are 3 things that’re off the table to talk about at work: religion, politics and your home or personal life. Keeping these issues out of the work place is smart as everyone has views on these and you don’t want to open Pandora’s box with anyone with differing opinions, views or beliefs, especially those who determine your raises and promotions and who sign your payheck. Most companies have anti dating coworker policies and dating someone at work can lead to problems and conflicts. What if you guys break up yet have to work with each other and neither of you are ready to resign and find a new job? On the other hand, sometimes you have to take a calculated risk. if you see someone at work you think might be gay, chat him up. Many gay men spill the coffee quickly. Casually ask him if he’d like to join you for an after work beer or drink on a Friday evening and if he knows a good place to meet for that drink. If he mentions a straight place you have your answer and if he mentions a gay bar, there you are. You are free to have that drink and talk and if you get the feeling he’s straight and has a nice personality and you get along well, you might have found a budding friendship. In that case, don’t complicate things.
FreddieW
If you don’t talk about religion, politics, and home at work, your office must be sterile, unfriendly, and boring. And you must not have any coworkers who are friends.
Of course, I imagine that if your feelings about Christians and Republicans matches what many Queerty commenters express, it’s best to keep your mouth shut at work, because you’ll only be making enemies.
abfab
Here’s an idea for Freddy and winemaker. Keep your private lives private. Then we’ll never have to follow your recommendations on how to live in a closet….a very mundane, dark and suffocating closet.
Bye.
FreddieW
I hope that means you’re leaving, abfab, but I’m not an optimist.
Fname Optional Lname
Saying you “pass as straight” is pretty homophobic.
FreddieW
It isn’t homophobic to say that if you’re gay.
There’s real homophobia and then there’s what some gay people will accuse you of when you express an opinion that isn’t politically correct.
abfab
Freddy would love to pass as straight. He lays it all out here in his comments.
FreddieW
I passed as straight until I was 40. When I came out to my sister and asked her if she had suspected, she said no, she was completely surprised. Never dawned on her that my dating only 2 women briefly in all that time was a big clue.
abfab
I’m not even going to touch that assinine and extremely personal comment. And FYI, you told everyone this a few weeks back. Still useless information and irrelevant.
FreddieW
Yes, I’m a person. I operate on personal experiences and that’s what I can contribute. It’s better than spewing bile at everyone.
abfab
What you like to call bile, are known as responces. Bile, is what you end up with by voting libertarian and/or republican.
Bile is what becomes a republican most. And you can keep your religion out of this too……even winemaker thinks you should.
And then WINEMAKER turns around and gives advice on asking another co-worker ”dude” out for drinks after work. Priceless hypocracy.
bachy
I’ve known guys like this and it’s a pretty sad predicament. It’s well illustrated for younger people by Kit Connor’s character in Heartstopper. A mix of shyness, loneliness, fear of betraying one’s non-gay friends, a sense of not “fitting in” to the commercial gay world – and a fear of “coming out” – all play into the dilemma.
Older gays who suffer this situation are just “Nicks” who never found their “Charlie” in high school. These are the guys whose “gayness” never registers for the people around them. They often get married and have kids – and then come out late in life. “Passing as straight” can have tragic consequences.
inbama
Down here in Mobile, where gay marriages actually do last a lifetime, I don’t see many guys acting as either straight or gay stereotypes (although they almost all do drag at Mardi Gras).
But the biggest screaming queens – they identify as bisexual and usually have a wife or ex-wife and some kids. It’s hard to believe the wives didn’t know what they were getting into; everyone else certainly did.
bachy
The “screaming queens” you describe are probably overcompensating – after a lifetime of living straight. The pendulum always swings, my friend.
MSM
I have often come across the phrase “straight acting” and I always laugh. What is straight acting? Is it swilling back beers, with your buds and seeing who can belch the loudest? If u have to act straight, then honey, u r gay. You know it, and those around you know it. Most can read thru ur “disquise”. Sit at a gay bar. Turn on your gay and enjoy your new found freedom. Sing a few show tunes, or talk about Judy Garland or any gay icon past present That will get you noticed and/or kicked out of the bar.
FreddieW
Do young gay guys talk about Judy Garland? Do middle-aged gay guys talk about her?
I bought a Judy Garland CD when I first came out, and I barely made it through once. But I still listen to Dusty Springfield.
abfab
Freddy enjoys living in the dark. You are actually happy being uninformed.
There are countless number of young people who know who Judy Garland is. Billions! They first learn about her in The Wizard Of Oz. And they still talk about her. And so do adult men of all ages, Gay or Heterosexuals. Straight men do not know or talk about Judy, because they are straight.
Many go on to study and involve themselves in the fine arts. Many go into television, screen and stage, design and animation.
You have done nothing with your life here, except to push back against joy and any semblance of a Gay Life Style. You may be a big homo, but you are not Gay.
RIP JUDY Garland, you will be here with us forever.
FreddieW
@abfab
If you think young gay guys are talking about Judy Garland, you haven’t spent enough time around young people. The 30-something engineers I’ve worked with get few of the cultural references I once thought were universal.
abfab
How would you know that? You and winemaker keep silent at work. It’s your mantra. You are untruthful. Difficult to comprehend.
FreddieW
I’m out at work, abfab. I get along reasonably well with Christians and Republicans at work and in my neighborhood, too. You should stay in your ghetto, because you would melt in the first rain outside of Oz.
LumpyPillows
Casually tell everyone you meet “I like to suck dicks”.
duke4172
In this day and age it may not be safe to be out but wear a pink triangle cross in your ear that should do it! Play the music you would hear in the clubs and wear your jeans super tight with a bare chest And to the readers that do not like this story if you do not want to read it then don’t!
jeffsmith60
Confide in your chattiest co-worker and tell him or her that it’s a secret. Everyone will know you’re gay by closing time.