‘Swiping America’s’ Kris Kelkar on the person behind the thirst traps & opening up about ED

This year, we’ve seen all kinds of “reality shows” put their focus on queer romance and dating. There have been kissing boys, women and nonbinary folks popping the question, and even guys who just love a good old-fashioned DILF.

But few of them feel quite as authentic, unforced, and utterly absorbing as Max’s “rom-doc” Swiping America, which follows four singles as the travel across the country and get set up dates with compatible partners, looking for romance and finding themselves along the way.

Two members of the central quartet are queer: There’s Ash who’s going on her own journey with gender identity, confidently straddling the line between “butch” and femme.” And then there’s Krishnanand Kelkar—who also goes by Kris—a thirtysomething Indian-American gay man who admits right up front that his social media presence is “a little bit more confident” than he is…

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A post shared by Krishnanand Kelkar (@kriskelkar)

Naturally, Kris caught our eye, and his experience on the show has been fascinating to watch. Sure, he’s conventionally attractive and not shy about showing off his physique, but he’s also a sensitive soul, an introvert, and someone who cares deeply about feeling a connection with his dates—even when he thinks they’re super hot.

In the latest batch of episodes, Kris even opened up about having erectile dysfunction, ED, which feels like a big moment considering we rarely see young, healthy men talking about ED in media.

Though he had his concerns Swiping America would be a good fit for the way he typically dates and engages with others, Kris has opened himself up to the experience in a big way and, in turn, unpacked a lot of what it means to be a gay man on the modern dating scene.

Before the final two episodes of Swiping America air next week, we caught up with Kris about his dates and travels thus far, what it’s like to share the most intimate parts of himself with the world, and whether or not he and the other singles actually drank as much as it looks like the did.

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QUEERTY: It’s so great to talk to you, Kris—how are you? I’m sure it’s a wild experience watching yourself back on television.

KRIS KELKAR: Oh my gosh, it’s very weird. People keep saying, “Congrats!,” and it’s like, “For what? For being myself?” [Laughs.] I got chosen, obviously, and I got a really cool experience, but it’s not something I’ve ever really worked towards. It feels very, like… I don’t know how to respond!

Of course. Well, congrats on existing then!

[Laughs.] Thank you!

So, I’ve been really curious to hear about how you came to be involved in this series. Was it a casting call? Did they find and approach you?

So, this was the summer of 2021. As you can tell from the intro package, at that moment I had recently been out of a relationship. It was also summer 2021 in New York and that was kind of the first time in a year and a half where people started feeling comfortable even congregating outside. So there’s a lot of pent up energy for me, personally and emotionally.

Someone reached out on Twitter, and I was kind of like, “Why the hell not?” I feel like I needed something to change and to kind of jumpstart me back into a new life, but I think all of us really felt we needed that at that point in our lives. And I responded to it thinking like, “there’s going to be a million people who auditioned for this, let’s see.” But this is the only thing that I would ever even consider, so why not? And, a few interviews later—and then a year later—I started filming. So it just just kind of snowballed, and what started out as a win turned into reality a lot more quickly than I expected.

Wow, right, that’s the sort of thing you just do on a whim and you’re like, “Well, I’m one in a million,” but next thing you know… And that’s so fascinating because, as you discuss a lot on the show, you are more of an introverted person. So, had you already considered what it might me for you to put yourself out there on television in this way?

Absolutely not. A small detail is that my ex, who I most recently had been in a relationship with, was someone who really wanted this kind of opportunity in his life, and we were very different in that way. And I kind of felt empowered by our relationship—to live his influence on me and see the person I could be without him.

I don’t necessarily think I’m an extrovert at all anymore, but I definitely feel more confident. I knew that that sense of self was lacking, and so I kind of wanted to push the boundaries and do this for me. That’s definitely where the impetus came.

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Your time on the show highlights so many nuances of the gay dating experience, especially in the sense that the ways we date, connect, and even present ourselves online and the apps tends to feel hyper-sexualized versus who we are day-to-day. Do you feel you have a healthier relationship with that after the show? 

Yeah, I do think that. I think that mostly comes from an acceptance of myself through the show. I definitely contended with some big truths about myself, and those are things I was discovering somewhat in real time.

Like, my previous relationship, I had had my ED issues, and it definitely impacted our relationship, but he still loved me, I think we still had good sexual chemistry and good sex, but it was something that got in between us and it was something I was in denial about basically since I was a kid. Every time I went to a doctor they kind of said, “You know, it doesn’t really affect young people, you’ll probably just need a pill once, and it’ll all work again”—and that’s not what happened with me.

It made me feel like I was missing out on the joke that everyone else was laughing at. But because I’ve dealt with it more directly, I figured it out for myself, and I’ve now had some sexual encounters that I really enjoyed. I don’t feel the need to present as a certain way online anymore.

And, also, the show was a lot like gay life in the sense that, you know, I was surrounded by three women, most of the crew was not queer. [Editor’s Note: A representative from Max confirms that queer folks were well represented behind the camera “across the board—including the following departments: casting, camera, and post,” but may not have always been “talent facing,” per Kris’ comment.] I know the creators are queer, but they aren’t in direct contact with us most of the time. So it was me navigating gay norms in a very straight world—it was explaining for them, uncovering them, but also learning from them.

You know, these women, unfortunately, through their lives have had to been taught how to say no, how to set their boundaries around sex. And I got to kind of say, “hey, actually maybe some of those boundaries and norms are there for a reason.” In the gay male experience, sexual liberation is so important for us, and sex positivity I think often is conflated with like sex normativity—we have this belief that we have to be having a certain type of sex, or certain amounts of sex, or with certain types of people. And, for me, I tried that—it physically didn’t work. And then I realized how to make it work, so now I feel a lot more comfortable just picking and choosing what makes me feel happy.

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That’s a great place to be in, and I think it’s really powerful that we get to watch you genuinely put in the work and get yourself to that place—that can be so helpful for so many people. And that’s to say nothing of the ED discussion, which: How often do we see young, healthy people talk about ED in media?

Yeah, I don’t know anyone! [Laughs.]

Was that something you anticipated might come up during your time on the show?

I didn’t, to be honest. You know, the show had been kind of billed to us like we could be “the Anthony Bourdains of dating around the country.” But it obviously becomes a lot more serious, and so we were put in positions where I really had to relate to these people and these men I was going on dates with.

And, with every sexual partner I’ve had since I was probably like 29, once I figured it out, I’ve disclosed that I’ve had ED. And some people are comfortable with it, some people aren’t—they don’t know how to deal with it. And I honestly don’t wanna have sex with people who don’t. It’s like, “I don’t want to walk you through it, I don’t want to feel embarrassed about this.” And it’s an important part of relating to people.

That moment with Derrick, I was like, “this is a moment where I would disclose it, but I’m not comfortable disclosing it to him on camera at this moment.” So it was very awkward for me, and then it’s kind of like, “Well, it came up, so let’s talk about it now.” And, to your point, no one’s talking about it. I imagine people experience it, whether it’s physical, whether it’s like psychological, or, honestly, whether it’s even drug or alcohol induced, you know? So it’s something we don’t talk about.

if I’m going to be on the show and I’m going to have an impact and it’s real to me, then I’m not going to avoid it. That’s just my approach!

And it’s amazing you were able to—”embrace” feels like the wrong word, but—allow yourself to be be open and vulnerable about it, especially with these women on the journey with you. Swiping America really is a “the real relationships were the friends we made along the way” moment for all of you. What has your friendship with Ash, Kesun, and Reagan meant to you, especially in this time since filming wrapped?

I mean, we’re constantly [in touch,] and especially because this is very emotional for all of us. Literally, our last texts are like, “I’m so glad that we have each other to talk through all these feelings!” We really consult each other on our love lives, on our professional lives, obviously on our lives as it relates to the show.

We just love each other. Like, it’s a rare group of friends who have gone through a really unique experience of living together in their 30s—that’s also super rare. And no one’s competitive with each other, we all want what’s best for each other, we all can posit questions and thoughts and feelings to the group without judgment. Because I think we all want the same goal, which is us just to be happy. And it’s really beautiful—great job on casting! [Laughs.]

Shoutout to casting! And I’m curious: On average, how much wine did you guys go through a night? Because it sure seems like there was a lot of drinking involved.

So, I was working during filming. I don’t know if you could tell, but I wasn’t always present when the wine was around because I was quite busy. [Laughs.] But some people definitely had more time than others.

And also, there were times when we were filming, and it would be 10am on our “Date Zeroes.” And it’s like, both of us probably just woke up, the other people have probably never been in front of a camera crew this large. Like, you have to kind of juice the wheels a little bit in order to try and get to know someone in 20 or 30 minutes.

So, yeah, we definitely drank a lot more than I would—prefer not to drink too much, actually. So, even my first Date Zero, it was 10am, I said “No, I’m not having a drink, why would I do that?” And then like the second dare, I was like, “No, we need a drink!” Because it was so sterile, and it’d feel really contrived, so how do I pull myself into this world? It definitely helps put our guards down.

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A post shared by Krishnanand Kelkar (@kriskelkar)

I don’t want to spoil anything because we haven’t even seen the final episodes yet, but I have to ask: Have you kept in touch with anyone you’ve gone on dates with through the show?

You know, I think it’s just like gay life. To your point, the circle of small—there’s people who will know other people. So, yeah, we keep in touch! I’m not going to—you’ll have to watch to the end to find out exactly what happens with me and my relationship.

But, yeah, obviously we keep in touch—people visit New York. There’s going be a lot of overlap when you’re in a center of gay life like New York. You’re gonna see people coming in and out., people are going to know you. Actually, most of my dates in Austin used to live in New York, and some people in Miami did. So, yeah, there’s a lot of people who have at least been through here and have mutual connections. So of course they keep in touch.

Well, that’s great to hear! And, as an extension of that, I can’t help but wonder if you’ve noticed your DMs blowing up with either people asking if you’re still single—or maybe wanting to know if you can set them up with any of the dates you passed on?

You know, it hasn’t really happened yet. I was actually on Fire Island his weekend, and no one said anything to me—but I also can imagine that people were saying things behind me, and that’s okay! [Laughs.] And DMs aren’t blowing up… more than usual. [Laughs.] But I also stopped posting as much thirst content as I used to. So, nothing yet! And Pride’s this weekend in New York, so I’m honestly hoping I can just skate by like a normal person.

As a final note, what’s one takeaway or lesson you’d hope all of us super-thirsty, super-online gays understand about dating and romance after watching your journey on the show?

RuPaul said it best: “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?”

And it’s true! I went through insane means to get to where I am—you know, I put on 60 pounds and tried to look a certain way, which was over years of work. And then, after that, got me what I thought was a hot boyfriend who I thought I had pretty okay sex with—I still like struggles my ED. And so I figured that out. And then I went on a freaking TV show to see how that would work and see if I could feel confident and comfortable in that setting…

My point is, I think a lot of these things are very exciting in my life. But, never in my life am I counting my blessings and thinking, “I have this body or I have the show or I had this ex”—like, I’m just thinking, “I have friends who love me, I am proud of the career that I made for myself outside of the show, and I’m headed in the direction where I think I have the life that I’m going to be wanting.”

And I’m now more confident than ever to share that with someone in earnest. I think in all my relationships, I tend to be attracted to people who have something I don’t—who can navigate a space that I don’t feel comfortable in, like they might feel extroverted in nature, or they’re really confident in a way that I’m not—and I want to learn that from them.

What I do in that process is, I think, I minimize myself, and I just really am enamored with them—thinking what I have to offer isn’t that great. And I’m getting to a point now where I’m like, “No, what I have to offer is pretty amazing.” And if I keep minimizing it, no one’s gonna see it.

So if there’s one thing to take away: Yeah, here’s a version of yourself that I think we all want to be. And then there’s a version of ourselves, which is who we are. So try and focus more on who you are and loving that. I think there’s a lot of manifesting this hot girl summer. And that’s great if you feel it, but don’t let those feelings get in the way of what your version of happiness should look like.

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— Krishnanand Kelkar (@KrisKelkar) June 21, 2023

Thanks for sharing that, Kris. And thanks for sharing your journey with us so far. I see you as someone who is very emotionally intelligent, so I can’t say enough how great it is to have someone like you being so honest and earnest about the victories and the hang-ups in your life.

Thank you. Well, yeah, with an expressive face like this, I can’t hide my emotions—you’re gonna read it, so I might as well tell you what I’m thinking because otherwise people are going to grow suspicious.

And, yeah, earnestness—that is my best policy, and I think it’s missing a lot in the queer community. And we need to be the change we want to see in the world. That’s my motto, and I hope other people feel it. I hope you feel inspired to do it more in your life, and, hopefully, I’ll attract other people like that more towards me.

Absolutely. Thank you for your time, and happy Pride!

You too. Thanks so much for your time; I really enjoyed the chat!

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