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INTO THE SUNSET

The A-List Dallas Reunion Recap: “Y’all Are Pill-Poppin’ Hos”

By Dan Avery December 21, 2011 at 3:24pm · Updated on December 30, 2011
Wendy, bless her, deftly cracks Taylor’s façade for just a moment or two when she demands Levi pass judgment on which of his castmates gives the best blowjob. He picks Taylor, who manages to squirm with discomfort and glow with pride at the same time. “That’s not appropriate for national TV,” he mumbles. “Oh yes, it is!” Wendy brays. “It’s the A-List: Dallas. We like it wet and sloppy!” Wendy dubs Taylor “our favorite gay Republican” and notes that the love triangle with Chase and Levi had “no clear victor.” Girl, did you watch the same program as everyone else? Taylor won. Period. His clip package is filled with casual racism, snide put-downs of his friends and bits of his utterly brilliant emotional manipulation of everyone around him. Chase dubs him a “borderline sociopath.” No one disagrees with that sentiment, particularly when the topic of his alleged real-world attacks is raised. Wendy is initially sympathetic. She gives Taylor room to explain that although he advocates for civil equality for the gay community, he is aligned politically with the GOP in other areas. He says he doesn’t want to be defined by this one issue and Wendy doesn’t press him. She does ask him if he thinks he’s self-loathing, which he flatly denies because he agrees with liberals on social issues related to gays. He also says that conservatives like Ann Coulter are not bigots simply because they don’t share the same views on marriage equality. (No they’re bigots for a million other reasons.) Wendy notes that he has suffered for openly stating his controversial views. From this point, the group dogpiles on Taylor—and not in the fun way. It turns out that everyone, even Ashley, suspects Taylor staged both incidents when he was attacked—a rock thrown through his living-room window,and a mugging when he surprised a man keying his car outside a nightclub—for media attention. They hound him so insistently that Taylor calls for a smoke break and walks off the set in true Real Housewives fashion. Except that he doesn’t smoke; it was a ruse to escape filming. Wendy watches in amazement as a distressed Ashley, ever the meddling do-gooder, jumps up and follows Taylor out onto the streets of Manhattan. She totters after him in her high heels, yelling his name. The ALD producers send a camera crew and a couple of scrambling PAs after them. Could this be…unplanned?
Back on set, Wendy continues chatting amiably with the group as a picture-in-picture box shows Ashley corralling Taylor, apparently outside his hotel, and walking him back to the set. He complains about feeling badgered. Ashley says he has to advocate for himself if these attacks really happened as he claims. This logic apparently gets through to Taylor, who appears to realize that running away would likely raise more suspicion. When he and Ashley take their seats again, the hour is nearly up. He meekly states that the others don’t know what it feels like to be attacked for their beliefs and therefore they should not judge him; cue yet another shot of Chase rolling his eyes. All of that drama was packed into the final 15 minutes, which was preceded by some fairly tame business peppered with a few moments of hilarity. During the regular season, the show’s producers concocted a storyline for James, with a conclusion suggesting he had given up his partying ways to move to Los Angeles to pursue an acting career with a newly found maturity and sense of purpose. (Can The A List: WeHo be far off?) Flash forward a few months: James notes that he is auditioning, that he still loves Dallas and that his drinking is under control. No one believes him. The situation between Ashley and James is still tense. And although Wendy agrees that Ashley is too caught up in her friend’s drama, she flatly calls out James for being self-centered and unappreciative of Ashley’s efforts to steer him away from a life of drunken iniquity. James also casually reveals that he and Levi hooked up over the summer. Everyone is taken aback by the news. Levi flatly denies it, saying they got schnockered one night and that James slept over, but nothing happened. Chase is shocked; Taylor is agog. Wendy keeps prodding and in the span of about a minute, Levi changes his tune and owns up to letting James fuck him. That’s our Levi, conflict-avoidant to a fault.  

I’ve been talking all season about how Levi’s cowboy pheromones are so curiously potent they allow him to slip out of any situation smelling like roses. Want more proof? Here we go:

*James says he wants more of Levi’s cock despite the ongoing tension in their relationship

*Chase reveals he and Levi slept together that very morning and that he plans to keep going back even though Levi has betrayed him and lied to him

*Even Taylor wants another taste of what Levi’s packing despite having abused and manipulated him and his friends in order to exact revenge on Levi for cheating on him and breaking his heart.

What does Levi have—and can we bottle it? Wendy can do little but express her amazement and move on to the next clip package.

Other highlights:

*Wendy celebrates Ashley’s ditzy obliviousness and asks her to explain why she gets along with gay men. “I like colors,” she says. We gays like colors, too. Bless you, Princess Ashley.

*Chase yelps, “Don’t call me a whore, you bitch!” to Phillip at one point.

*To deflect attention from his own questionable behavior, Taylor cruelly references a suicide attempt by Chase when he was younger and facing rejection by his conservative family;

*Levi clearly doesn’t appreciate Wendy making fun of his stuttering laugh

*Ashley obviously still resents James describing her as “a human ankle bracelet” monitoring his every movement.

There’s plenty more, of course. “We are prayin’ for peace, girl,” vows Wendy at the start of the hour—but I’m praying for second season of horndoggery, ostentatious displays of praise for Jeebus, flung drinks and cowboy puns from our Lone Star homos.

 

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12 Comments*

  • Brandon H

    I’m so glad I didn’t watch this show. I understand some people are entitled attention whores and they can be entertaining to watch, but this shit just looked frustrating.

  • Ray

    If I have to burn the entire god damn city of Dallas and Logo to the ground to stop a second season I will. This show is disgusting. While the New York version could be trashy fun like the Real Housewives this fucking Dallas show was nothing but GoProud republican propaganda.

  • Sully

    As a Dallasite, please tell me where these people hang around so i can avoid them like the plague.

  • Nick

    Trash is as trash does.

  • Mike

    @Sully: Why, you’re in luck! They published an article with all their “hot spots” to catch cold sores a couple of days ago!

  • Art

    The name of the show should change to Levi and his harem……..this boys are so pathetic!…. Really Levi… I guess there are a no gay men in Texas. … Again what is wrong with this three…. How low a selfsteam you have to have to put up with sharing man like that…

  • Roman

    Queerty, did you not get the note? No one’s watching the show. There’s a thin line between stupid entertainment and demonic, homophobic trash. A-List Dallas leaps across it, then claims they were pushed.

  • Zeus

    I saw half an episode of this show for the first time yesterday, and it’s not an embarrassment to gay men…it’s an embarrassment to human kind.

  • Christopher

    Oh, grow up. Everyone who commented here just ‘can’t get enough’ of the Dallas boys. (or, you’d just shut up?) I watched the whole season and spent most of it cringing. But, it was still way more fun than that New York bunch.

  • Ed Alvarez

    I love the show and can’t wait for next season. It’s juicy! A List New York starts in January!

  • Owen

    @Christopher: I completely agree. I didn’t hate these boys as much, actually sorta enjoyed their company at times. Except for my Rodiney’s hilarious ramshackle attempts at the English language, there was something awful about everyone and everything on the NY A List, I surprisingly didn’t feel that way about the Dallas boys.

  • kitty litter

    Levi’s a bottom. What a surprise.

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