If love is a battlefield, LGBTQ+ dating apps might just be the apocalypse.
So, when Gay Twitter X user @13tslover encountered a man with a laundry-list of “You should *not* go out with me if”s on Hinge, he did what any self-respecting gay would do.
He shared a screenshot on social media to put this potential suitor’s red flags on blast.
The unnamed man’s profile said he is not interesting in dating any LGBTQ+ guy who is “into gay events/spaces (fire island, gay bars, gay orgs),” wears “non-traditional male/gender neutral clothing,” paints their nails, or has “had a history of non-monogamy.”
Oop, watch out queen! Your internalized homophobia is showing.
The tweet, which has received over 275,000 views and 1,300 likes as of this writing, attracted an outpouring of responses from other users who pointed out how a distaste for traditionally gay things is, well, kind of anti-gay.
The definition of internalized homophobia and unresolved trauma 🤢🙄
— Justin (@justinadamsxxx) October 30, 2023
That person making their weekly schedule: pic.twitter.com/rpuvYPDYoi
— Zacary™️ (@ZacaryWITHnoH) October 30, 2023
Furthermore, the critiquing of traditionally safe spaces for the LGBTQ+ community (like Fire Island and gay bars) echoes conservative talking points that politicize drag and trans youth. Not to mention, our right to love whom we love.
Ron “Don’t Say Gay” DeSantis, is this your burner account?
Crazy thing is that this is log cabin coded, but a lot of guys at gay events+circuit parties and fire island are actually conservatives 😬
— Dom Holland (@AidenTyler) October 30, 2023
lemme guess – he put his political views as “moderate”
— Jason (@jasonsbadtakes) October 30, 2023
Still, the point that we’re hung up on is “non-traditional male/gender neutral clothing.”
Is that an anti-jockstrap and speedo agenda? What if it used to be a women’s leather jacket, but it was misracked in the men’s section when you thrifted it? And are we policing crop tops now, too?
Ah, yes, the “traditional male clothing.”
— Headero (@GetHeadero) October 30, 2023
💯 ready for the pheasant hunt. pic.twitter.com/YDcI22AAjG
The gendered clothing thing always gets me… like pic.twitter.com/gguEtFmkKF
— Chick’n Nugget (@Not_that_Jeff) October 30, 2023
That being said, there’s no wrong or right way to be queer.
And as X user @acyplakov pointed out, this dating profile wasn’t necessarily bashing these things, but trying to find a mate who shared his interests.
I’m not into any of these things and yet I don’t hate myself as a gay male. Not everyone has to have the same social activities or be into the same things as you, and it doesn’t mean they hate themselves or others. The post also said ‘go out with me’, as in romantic partner.
— Aleksandr V. Cyplakov (@acyplakov) October 30, 2023
Plus, as @b0sbottom pointed out, there’s certainly tribalism and exclusion within gay events and spaces, especially against those without bodybuilder physiques.
As alienating as that is, we also see regular examples in our communities that exclude those who are not white, upper class, fit, hung, etc.
— Thomas (@b0sbottom) October 31, 2023
Furthermore, feminine-presenting gays may have it the hardest.
According to a study from The University of Sydney earlier this year, “both gay men and heterosexual men prefer masculine over feminine gay men” for high-status roles.
Not only did the research suggest fem guys may face potential discrimination in the workplace. It also showed an “implicit bias among gay men as a community.” Can we ever win?!
In a community plagued with “pick-me” gays, the Kinsey scale, and politics, we may never see eye-to-eye here.
But at least we can agree on one thing: we’re happy this guy on Hinge used the right form of “you’re.”
Check out more reactions from social media below.
My reply: I won’t date someone that hasn’t been in therapy.
— JMV — Australia Nov 20-Dec 2nd (@theonlyjmvx) October 30, 2023
Sorry for being fun
— Designated Bottom (@BabelTweetsPDX) October 30, 2023
that leaves like 2 guys and they’re in south dakota
— Adrian Rojas Elliot (@adrianelliot) October 30, 2023
It’s he cute? Share so we know who to avoid
— HereIAmItsMeD (@HereIAmItsMe) October 31, 2023
he’s conflating so many things that don’t even make sense or go together like ????
— penelope tate’s bitch (@lilchaosfairy) October 30, 2023
S.anderson
A distaste for stereotypical “gay” activity inevitably results in backlash from the current clique of gatekeepers, who have their own narrative to promote.
Folks simply need to realize that many people, possibly most people, aren’t into drag queens, attitude & sass, drugs, alcohol, touchy transgender dialect, lascivious and defiant public behavior, collars & dog masks, and Barbara Streisand. I guess they’re just boring, ordinary people. And boring, ordinary people have every right to choose who to associate with, and to speak openly about their lifestyles. To make a part of the world their own. Infabulous people are still VALID. Obviously, this is unacceptable to ambitious gatekeepers, who are motivated more by attention and growing their turf, than they are to making a better world for all.
S.anderson
In summary, it’s a pity we have to live in a world where some people want others to be afraid to even say “not for me, thanks” in public where others might hear and agree.
bachy
Thank you for this thoughtful submission. The sensible, grounded perspective is most definitely drowned by the endless cacophony of drag sass, drugs, booze, transgender pronoun wars, lascivious defiance, leather harnesses, dog masks, Little Monsters and every gay booty shakin’ for the cameras like a reality TV contract depended on it.
Brian
The more you pile on, the more you show everyone how desperately you need therapy. This is a you problem.
abfab
Sanderson……….def a YOU problem.
dmarcus
Yeah there are a lot of gay men who don’t do those things and I myself is phasing out of that party lifestyle as I get older but come on! You don’t have to bash party gays, drag queens, trans ppl, fem men, and others. There’s nothing more unattractive in a man who lists their hate list on dating apps or social media. And trust me there are a lot of older conservative gay men who organize parties and raves at Fire Island, yachts, and clubs so they can sleep with masc and fem guys. All the while getting high and tipping drag queens.
S.anderson
Proposing rules like “describe what you are looking for, not what you don’t like, as that is rude and hurtful”? Heh. HEH.
The solution then is for fats, fems, druggies and poz to just look for all the eligible singles who say they are also looking for that. Don’t try to gatekeep and police other people’s language on the hopes that one of you will slip by and get some dick. Heh.
maxdadmark
“Barbara”??!! Troll, get thee gone.
FreddieW
So if you’re a bar-hopping party animal who cross-dresses and sleeps around and can’t get your act together, trash the gays with standards.
abfab
Stop projecting.
still_onthemark
“have had a history of non-monogamy”
As someone with a history of… being a slut, when I finally grew up a little and tried seriously dating I did encounter some prejudice (if you really want to call it that). Promiscuity may be more popular in gay male life than it is elsewhere, but hey it’s not for everyone. And the tweets here don’t mention this, but promiscuity in gay male life is closely associated with drug use, and not everyone is cool with that either.
Re: gay bars. On my last foray into dating apps, I never contacted anyone who lived faraway, but sometimes they would hit me up. One faraway guy was all excited to contact me, his pic & profile seemed nice, his faraway city was one I liked, so okay let’s chat. But his profile had one odd statement: “I’ve never been to a gay bar and I never will.” No context; alcohol “social” so it wasn’t that. Genuinely puzzled, but uneasy, I quizzed him about the strange sentence.
What a nutcase. Turned out he wasn’t out to his parents (at age 50-something!) but he didn’t have to be out because they knew already and they had always known but we never had to talk about it and we don’t talk about it now (etc.). This gibberish didn’t seem to have a religious or political basis, so I was like “How is that possible, you’ve had serious boyfriends and brought them home,” and he just kept up with the same stuff, we don’t need to talk about it, yadda yadda. I was mystified but it suddenly dawned on me… damn, he’s actually PROUD of this? This is actually supposed to impress me? I was never very close with my parents, and I moved to the other side of the country as soon as I could, lol, but I came out to them and introduced bfs to them and we talked about it. I couldn’t even quite comprehend what this guy was trying to get across to me, let alone the fact he was proud of it which to me was kind of disgusting.
straightedgeslut
“promiscuity in gay male life is closely associated with drug use, and not everyone is cool with that either. ”
Not necessarily so…. I dont drink smoke or use any drugs, but I do sleep around… a lot
dbmcvey
You only put it out there if you want to cause a stir.
MrGoldman
It is important to be honest about dating preferences. If you don’t like his checklist, then don’t date him. I don’t see where he said he was in the closet or living a lie. Maybe just a bit more traditional in his tastes.
SarcasaticMisanthrope
Is he looking for Pina Coladas? Walks in the Rain, someone with half a brain?
abfab
Does he like making love at midnight?
Jaesly
This sort of checklist is a red flag to me not because he prefers non-flamboyant men who doesn’t like stereotypical gay spaces. It is just that men with an extensive list of requirements tend to take themselves too seriously and also tend to hold others to an impossibly high set of standards. Ain’t no-one got time for that nonsense!
Consider This
Many look for someone who shares interests and attraction. They dispense with the “political correctness” part and rather opt for common sense.
BaltoSteve
Using such broad terms to exclude is a bit disturbing. Even though I think they are toxic among themselves, going to Log Cabin Republican events would meet the criteria of exclusion. And traditional men’s attire according to which Tradition? Sounds like a way to get exclude by race as well. And define History of Non-monogamy. There are plenty of folk who sleep around under the guise of serial monogamy but a couple one night stands and you are right out. Sounds like Bruh is just looking for a closet built for two.
S.anderson
Spin it any way you want, but getting all bitchy when a person lists their traits and interests on a matchmaking site, and these exclude you, shows that you just harbor hostility towards guys you can’t have. And it’s daft to think that you’re fixing things by banning honesty the way religion bans heresy. But, this is what is to be expected from a bunch of bitter losers who have too much time on their hands because they can’t find anyone to date!
dmarcus
When guys who lists their lists of “No” on a dating app, it’s a red flag. It’s a sign that they dwell on negativity. Advice for gays who want to date, list your “Yes.” Like besides saying “I don’t like men who party” say “I like quiet & intimate settings.” And if you’re not into other races or body types that’s fine. Besides being openly racists or body shaming by listing “No fats, skinny, Asians, or Latin,” say something like “Looking for athletic guys or someone who has similarity to my interests.” Being rude to other ppl lifestyle is unprovoked and uncalled for. Being polite is good old fashion gentlemen’s behavior that everyone finds attractive. Looking at some of these comments, y’all need a playbook on being a nice.
S.anderson
It would be in your best interest if people DID wave their “red flags”. You don’t want to show up for a date with someone who isn’t seeking someone like you because the hookup site systematically made it impossible to discuss fat, fem comment trolls, out of some silly notion that it hurts their fifis.