UNDER TOM'S THUMB

Tom Cruise Gives Katie Holmes What She Wants, But Goes Ballistic Against Enquirer

Tabloid editors are thanking their dark masters that the Tom Cruise-Katie Holmes split has unraveled in such a dishy way. But Cruise has sicced his lawyers on the National Enquirer for alleging in a cover story that Tim is a “monster” who abuse Katie and subjected the Golden One, Suri, to a five-month stay in a “tiny, windowless room.”

Please, that’s not abuse—he was just preparing her for life in a Manhattan apartment.

Regardless, Cruise attorney Bert Fields dashed off a letter to Enquirer publisher American Media yesterday, and according to The Hollywood Reporter, Fields calls the article “disgraceful and lurid” and claimed it could cause Mr. Top Gun “hundreds of millions of dollars of professional and personal damages.” Cruise’s camp plans to hold American Media  “and everyone who participated in the perpetuation of this scurrilous attack” liable.

Fields is demanding a full retraction of  “each and every one of your false allegations about Mr. Cruise” or they’ll litigate the publisher’s ass off.

Rumors abound that Katie had some serious dirt on Tom—same-sex escapades? spousal abuse? Scientology shenanigans?—which is why he was so quick to settle and let her have custody of Suri, who she’ll raise as a Catholic.

Because there’s no safer place for a young child to be that in the warm embrace of a Catholic priest.