church

Vatican Moves Closer to Granting Sainthood to Maybe-Gay Cardinal

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Cardinal John Henry Newman is on his way to sainthood! The 19th century Roman Catholic was just given “a miracle attributed to him” by Pope Benedict XVI, which is just one step away from full-blown sainthood. The publishing of a miracle is also evidence that Catholics still believe its priests have a direct channel to God! “According to Catholic doctrine,” reports ANSA, “miracles happen when a prospective saint, who is in heaven, intercedes with God and asks for a special favour to be granted. Most miracles in sainthood causes are medically inexplicable cures.” If the pope goes so far to grant Newman sainthood, he’ll become “England’s first saint from the last four centuries.” Now just shut up about those rumors that Newman was all gay with “long-time friend” Ambrose St. John.