5 lessons learned on the gay road from twink to zaddy

As a 62-year-old queer man, I’ve morphed over the decades from twink to gym bunny to circuit queen to ginger daddy. These labels have been an easy shorthand for the archetypes that make up our big, colorful community. 

As long as our penchant for branding works in the service of celebrating a diversity of body images and ages, it’s a good thing. We’re social animals. We’re all looking for a sense of belonging, to find our tribe. Everyone deserves that feeling of community and worth.

But beware: Labels can be as cruel as they are complimentary. We should always, always allow space for someone to step outside the box and define themselves on their own terms. 

How about we take this to the next level?

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As I compiled my collection of essays written over the course of four decades for my new book, My Fabulous Disease: Chronicles of a Gay Survivor, I’ve had time to reflect on a lifetime of labels and the eras they represent. Here are five lessons this proud, aging ginger daddy has learned along the way. 

1. Life lasts a long time and it is over in a flash. 

That’s the great riddle. It means there is always time to redefine ourselves, to take another path, to make amends to that person we hurt, to create new relationships. But don’t wait. Life seems to speed up as you go along.

2. Our heritage as LGBTQ+ people is freaking awesome. 

Through the ages we have been kings and presidents, warriors and healers, heroes and conquerors. But I don’t have to look to ancient history to see what we are capable of. I lived it. In my lifetime, we faced an unimaginable public health crisis that killed gay men in droves. Yes, COVID has now killed more people, but AIDS was as if everyone who died of COVID lived in your town. It was that precise. 

And how did we respond, when there were no treatments, funding or social acceptance? We built and we ministered and we loved. We started meal programs and support groups and took to the streets to demand action. It was magnificent. And if you are a younger LGBTQ+ person, that is your lineage. It lives in you. You can be enormously proud of your people and history even if you weren’t there. 

I have no doubts about what younger folks can face and accomplish because I have seen it with my own eyes.

3. Loving yourself is important, but please don’t stop there.

Yes, it is crucial that we learn to love ourselves, especially when we were raised with hatred coming from all directions. But there’s another step. Love other people – more than one – at least as much as you love yourself. 

I spent too much time looking for the kind of adoration that working out at the gym brought to me. And now, my back is killing me. I cared way too much about lifting heavy weights and spent zero time stretching and working on my core. I’m paying the price. Likewise, I’m paying the price for caring more about myself than about building meaningful relationships with friends and family. I’ve been playing catch-up on that for years. 

Now I tell the people I care about that I love them at the end of every phone call. Age has a way of breaking down our protective armor and letting some light in.

4. Stigma is a dangerous weapon.

Pointing a judgmental finger at someone else is a lazy way to feel better about ourselves and therefore a popular human activity. Stigma also usually derives from fear of The Other. Even though we should understand that from first-hand experience, we do it to one another way too often. Yes, hurt people hurt people.

People will excuse you for being young and insecure. Cruelty is harder to forgive.

5. All of the corny things they say about life are true.

If you think this article is corny you’re not wrong, and that’s the point. It turns out that all the clichés you hear about life are actually true. If you want to find meaning in this existence, help someone else. It doesn’t matter if anyone ever names a building after you (or reads your book), the best we can accomplish is to support someone else through this scary, wondrous ride. 

Life is about addition, not subtraction. The more we add – ideas and people and experiences – the better off we will be. Be kind. Enjoy the shirtless hunks but treat everyone with respect. 

And finally, moisturize and take good care of your teeth. You’re welcome. 

(Queerty contributor Mark S. King is a GLAAD Award-winning writer and the author of a new book of essays, My Fabulous Disease: Chronicles of a Gay Survivor.)

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