A middle-aged man says he and his wife of 25 years have stopped having sex and it’s causing him to seriously question his sexual needs and desires. So he’s writing to advice columnist Mary O’Conor for help.
In his letter, the man says his wife is a “wonderful woman” and that he loves her “completely.”
“The trouble for me is that while our sex life has never been what you would call regular,” he confesses. “In the last two years it has essentially been extinct.”
As a result, he says, he feels they’re drifting apart.
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Related: Straight man contemplates hooking up with another dude after sex with the wife turns ‘boring’
He continues: “Lately I’ve taken to fantasizing about sex with anyone (male/ female/group) and have registered on a few sites that facilitate gay/bi/group profiles.”
“I’ve found that I have a growing fascination with older males. I feel myself drawn more to wanting to engage in sexual activity of this nature.”
He recently started Skyping with other guys, he writes, “just chatting initially and watching them masturbate and also I’ve masturbated on camera with one or two that I have come to fancy.”
But lately, he’s wanted to take things to the next level and possibly meet one of them in person for a gay rendezvous.
He wonders: “Do I explore this side of my sexuality which I would have never considered until the last couple of years, or do I keep going as I am, feeling so isolated and missing the intimacy we had (albeit not very often)?”
In her response, Mary first congratulates the man on acknowledging and speaking openly about his feelings. Not a lot of guys are comfortable doing so, she says.
“The sexual urge is a very strong one,” she writes. “My experience of clients with stories somewhat similar to yours is that they almost always followed their urges despite the consequences.”
She continues, “However, you are well aware of what you stand to lose and so you should talk to your wife and tell her that you feel you are drifting apart and ask if there is anything you can do to get closer again.”
“If there is more emotional intimacy, then sexual intimacy should follow but first you need to know her thoughts on where the relationship has faltered.”
Related: Straight guys confess their same-sex sexual encounters in candid new study
Mary also suggests the man should seek professional help to figure out what’s going on–is his bisexual? Bi-curious? Gay?
“One could explain all of this by saying that as your sex life had totally diminished you went searching for some excitement,” she says. “But what led you to male/male sex when your only experience up until now was heterosexual? This is something that would be worth exploring with a therapist.”
What do you think of Mary’s advice? Sound off in the comments section…
Frank
UTTER BULLSHIT
John
I don’t believe this story either. But let’s pretend for a second that it’s true. He should talk to his wife honestly about the situation. It’s not that complicated. Either she says yes or no. Then you move on from there. Either you stay as is, being sexually deprived. Or you separate and go on a sex binge.
Birdbrain1963
Move on. D-I-V-O-R-C-E is the name of the song. Get one. Find a nice man and try it out. It will end the torment of being in a loveless marriage to a woman. If you don’t first succeed, try another, but don’t fall into the sex binge thing. When your older and need someone you will have a hard time finding one.
chris33133
Gay men who are in long-term sexless relationships (and now marriages) routinely seek out someone else to fulfill that aspect of their lives. When I’ve asked them why they don’t split up from their partners, the most common answers that I get are either because unwinding the relationship is just too complicated and/or because they actually do love one another and the partner’s not willing to throw that out because the sex is not there. So I figure, why should things be any different for a married guy who, probably, is bi?
Kangol
Exactly. He should either 1) stay in the marriage if he loves his wife but find another 25 year old woman, if he’s attracted to women; 2) stay in the marriage but find an older male sex partner if he’s poly and pansexual; or 3) divorce the wife and start a new life where he can explore his sexuality without guilt. But he really does need to discuss the lack of sex with his wife; clearly something is amiss with her. Is she seeing someone else? Not attracted to him anymore? Feeling her own same-sexual desires? Feeling asexual or nonsexual? Some combo of all? Better he knows than stay in the marriage and be unhappy.
chris33133
Yeah; communication is important. Which is why my jaw drops when man guys I’ve spoken to have told me that they’re out on the down low. They think their partners/husbands know; but neither wants to talk about it. I have quit judging preferring to drink another martini.
dfwenigma
This man is very sad indeed. It’s a bad situation if true. I smell a rat. But if true then the man needs to communicate with his wife. I do have to wonder about men who would hook up with him. Not because I’m judging their behavior but here’s a thought: perhaps this whole dynamic isn’t so healthy. If men hook up with him – do they too have issues knowing they may be hurting another person? Because if he doesn’t tell his wife and she finds out either because a jealous trick or because the husband has a serious attack of guilt then what happens. Personally I think the man needs a good therapist and then he should go from there. Sex isn’t going to solve his problems and may hurt all concerned.
Jaxton
Are you man-blaming?
Jaxton
If the wife is using non-consent as a weapon, that is uncalled for. She is entitled to say “no”, of course, but she has no right to say “no” because she wants to get back at him as revenge.
Unfortunately, women do the latter. They can do it because they do not have the same strong, pervasive sex drive that men have. Women see sex as an opportunity to obtain something from men and thus do not desire sex when there is nothing to be gained.
My advice to the husband is this: use your budding attraction to men as a weapon. Fight fire with fire. Tell your wife that you will turn to men if she doesn’t start consenting again.
surreal33
This actually very amusing. “Straight men” have been getting their dicks suck on the side since the beginning of time. It is a perfect arrangement a hard dick and willing, plentiful, gay men. Why society continues to portray this ancient arrangement as a new phenomenon is a conundrum.
Jack Meoff
FFS middle aged men having sex with other men after the sex goes out of their hetero marriages is so common it’s not funny. The reason they do this is because it is easier to pick up guys for NSA sex than it is women and because many of these guys don’t consider it cheating to fool around with guys on the side.
I have asked guys why they don’t have affairs with women and they say “I would never cheat on my wife”. When I ask what the difference is they say “this is just guys mucking around it’s not serious”. I won’t bother getting into what that says about their views of gay relationships but suffice it to say that gay men represent the guilt free (almost) easy (requires less social skills) alternative to having an affair.
Jaxton
Good points. Also, men generally don’t ask for a reward in the form of cash like women do. Obtaining a female’s sexual consent is an expensive exercise for men.
Prax07
I have no issues with “straight” men, married or otherwise engaged hooking up with other men. Women are vile anyway, so anything that helps men avoid physical contact with them is ok in my book. I won’t however help a gay guy cheat though. If he’s in a serious relationship or married to another guy then no, sex with him is off the table completely.
Daniel-Reader
Most important thing is to tell young straight guys who are in love to get a pre-nup signed before the wedding so she can’t take half your sh*t when it falls apart. That way the guy can start over without being anchored to a wench that turns out to be the wrong one for him. Pre-nups, people – gay, bi, or straight – do it for the sake of reality.
eagledancer
I’m cynical enough to wonder why a “gay” site like Queerty features a “standard” advice columnist named Mary, to pontificate on a same-sex related issue. Why not–here’s an idea–the way this site used to do before Logo bought out AfterElton, employ an actual gay advice columnist. Then I realize it’s about click-bait. This thread has gotten far more comments than most other posts.
Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing a “face-off,” where the same issue is covered by a straight female therapist and a gay one, to see how their suggestions might differ.
Brody
What’s funny is the implication that this these “straight” men suddenly become knob-gobblers once they hit a certain age (as opposed to, you know, having obviously been bisexual all along).
DCguy
Gee, another fake story about somebody SUDDENLY thinking they MIGHT want to try something gay.
Rex Huskey
Gurl: you are such a fool…. try and open your mind as much as you open your b’hole!
radiooutmike
This man’s story is not unique. In fact it is very similar to my own.
Most likely, if he did some serious self-examination, he’d find instances of being attracted to men that he just ignored or suppressed. Heterosexual marriages can exist with no sex, but they’re usually not happy ones unless they’re companionate in nature. Every straight buddy of mine who is married has not had in at least several months if not several years.
He should discuss divorce with his wife. Even if he wasn’t leaning gay, no one wants a sexless marriage. But if he’s having urges to sleep with men and is skyping them, he is on a train and that train is gayville.
SafetyHarborCpl
So, I’m actually confused about why the advice columnist didn’t bring up the need for COUPLES COUNSELING first.
Look, if the husband and wife haven’t had sex in 2 years – and from what was written the sex was infrequent for a long time – the husband “talking” to his wife about the lack of intimacy without the benefit of professional counseling could be a challenge.
All that said, if his marriage of 25 years never had a strong sexual component, what makes anyone think things will change – just because they “talked?”
He’s lived in a virtually sexless marriage for 25 years – if sex was that important to him, he should have been working on it 25 years ago.
There are probably many reasons driving both their behavior – and not something that can be addressed without professional help and guidance.
That said, my guess on why he’s gravitated to bi/gay fantasies and webcamming is that many married str8 guys feel that having sex with a man isn’t the same has having sex with a women: it’s not cheating if it’s with a guy.
We all know, nothing could be further from the truth. Emotional or physical – cheating is cheating.
He and his wife need some counseling – who knows, it could rekindle intimacy and save the marriage. It could end the marriage (fairly amicably) or it could end in a nasty divorce. But she has a right to be involved in the process.
IWantAFullBeard
Oh the fluidity of sexuality.
Rex Huskey
happens all the time!