Is it possible to be gay, fat, and happy? According to Martijn, a magazine editor from Amsterdam, the answer is yes. But it took him a while to get there.
In a new video produced by Davey Wavey, Martijn talks about the fat shaming he’s been subjected to over the years by other gay men, and the impact it’s had on him.
Related: Author Calls Out Gay Men For “Fat-Shaming And Negative Body Talk”
“I just remember being on the gay dating websites and having lots of guys really confirm the idea that I already had; that I was undesirable,” he recalls. “One guy sent a message to me saying: ‘Look at your profile picture, then look at my profile picture again and then decide if you really think it was a good idea to send me a message.'”
Other people made a point to send him unsolicited messages telling him how “ugly” they thought he was.
“I could not equate being overweight with being happy,” he says. “Those two things just never went together in my head.”
Related: Guys Confess Their Struggles With Body Image. Anything Sound Familiar?
That is, until he found a community where he was accepted: Bears! And their admirers.
“Gradually I started dating guys that I think probably would call themselves ‘chasers’ and who really, finally gave me the feeling that I was desirable, that I wasn’t insignificant, and that I had something to offer,” he says. “Maybe two or three years ago was the first time when I looked in the mirror and actually thought: ‘You actually look kind of hot today!'”
Martijn says that have bouts of insecurity when stepping into gay bars and seeing mostly “muscled, defined or slim” guys, but he no longer feels ashamed by his own looks.
Check out the inspiring video below…
Dorian Prince
Good. We need more of this. Why spend your time being mean to someone when you can spend that same energy hooking up? Isn’t that the whole point? If the person that contacts you is not your type, just move on. Don’t be shady, be sexy.
DDstar1me
I am happy that he is happy.
I don’t think anyone should be promoting obesity or any life style that can be deemed as unhealthy. However, in what ever situation, you have to love yourself.
And if he has found happiness were others have not, then I am very happy for him.
Prax07
Promting obesity? How is he promoting obesity? Not all of us can be 6’1 and 150 pounds. Not all of us can afford to join a gym, or are able to do workouts. I’m 6’1, 205# and I don’t work out because I can’t. I can’t afford to join a gym, and even if I could with degenerative disk disease and sciatica I couldn’t do most workouts. I don’t consider myself obese, but by gay standards I am fat I guess because I’m not under 175#. Those of us that don’t live or fit into the gay gym lifestyle aren’t promoting obesity by us being an average bodytype.
Heywood Jablowme
I’m wondering how anyone could go through several YEARS of gay life, while posting obliviously on standard “twink” hookup apps, and be totally unaware of the existence of “bears” and “chubby chasers.” He must be a rather unobservant fellow.
@Prax07: He’s not “promoting obesity,” per se. He’s promoting doing nothing about obesity. LOL.
teddybear111
YOU ARE CUTE AND YOU LOOK VERY WARM AND CUDDLY. I WOULD BE PROUD TO BE SEEN WITH YOU AND OTHER THINGS WITH YOU
AxelDC
Guy hits on someone else, gets rejected. Film at 11.
This happens to straight guys every day. Why do gay guys think they should be accepted by every guy they hit on?
startenout
@AxelDC: He distinctly points out the rudeness of the rejection and then other guys who attack you for your looks when you did nothing but exist and didn’t speak to them at all.
@Heywood Jablowme: That man is far from obesity or promoting any such thing. It’s a shame that you would choose to ridicule someone searching for happiness.
@DDstar1me: Yoo could have just left it off at your first statement and been happy that he is happy. The body dysmorphic muscle queens shooting up steroids and the packs of cigarettes smoked at the gay bars are just as if not more unhealthy both mentally and physically.
It’s these comments that make me sad to be in this gay “community.” Why should people accept you when you gleefully discriminate and mock the people who fall outside of your narrow “type.” Good for you, sir, for discovering that there are people who want you as you are, not just as they would want you to be!
Jack Meoff
Wow even in this comments section there is fat shaming going on. Even some of the guys trying to make positive comments can’t help themselves but make a subtle dig about it. Fat shaming is alive and thriving in the gay scene and on this thread.
MarionPaige
ummm, is this positive?
Does anyone else see that this guy is still defining his self-worth by something he isn’t? Note,
I don’t think he says or even implies that he finds guys who look like him attractive. He’s thrilled that there are hot, chiseled “chasers” who will sleep with him.
Aromaeus
@MarionPaige: He’s pretty much settled for guys who just fetishize his weight.
JPDonahue
@Prax07: I lost 70 lbs by walking and portion control. It’s been five years that I lost and have kept the weight off. No gym. Walking. Lots of walking. I you want to, you can do it.
I think the important thing here is to love yourself and not to let haters get to you.
Granny Spoth
Being fat and/or ugly isn’t the end of the world.
There is so much to life, even if you don’t gave sex and boyfriends!
This guy defines his self-worth on whether people want to have sex with him or not, and I don’t think it’s healthy at all.
You shouldn’t be fat-shamed, but you shouldn’t feel like you are entitled to a sex life either.
What do you think?
I have been sick (depression) and unappealing for a few years now, but now I realize people still like me. Not in a sexual way for sure. But I am still liked.
This man is just setting himself up for rejection.
stranger2myself
That’s great video. Whole point is to accept yourself and not to rely on people’s opinions about you as person. I’m a 30yo twinkish looking, underweight guy. My preference though are bears and chubbies. It’s not completely true that I’m only attracted to this type of guys, but I am attracted to them because most of them are great guys. They’re more cuddle oriented, cute and talkative. I found a lot of skinny and muscle guys to be c*nts. They usually think that they’re special and better than rest of gays. That’s why I keep my distance from them, they’re just too poisonous. They will make you feel bad that you are not like them. Bears have no such faults (with exceptions of course).
Heywood Jablowme
Again with this modern notion that being fat is an immutable trait so there’s nothing one can DO about it. Except maybe whine when someone (gasp) notices. This guy sits around being fat for several years and doesn’t do anything about it, except complain that non-fat guys were rejecting him. That’s all he was concerned about. It didn’t even occur to him to go after other fat guys. (Well okay, he DOES blame his mother… maybe that counts as “doing” something?)
@startenout: No one here, I hope, is supporting the rude rejections online. But somehow you got this weird idea that this a “gay” thing. Straight women deliver far, far worse rejections to straight men all the time. Anyway he finally found the “chaser” community so it’s a moot point.
@JPDonahue: YEAH! You make a very practical point. I gain weight very easily if I don’t watch out. But watching out is a long-term commitment (kind of like having a bf is *supposed* to be, lol) so I guess a lot of guys don’t want to bother with doing it.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
I had a well-thought-out and sensitive response which I’m being prevented tfrom posting. Just so you know.
spiffy
There is a lid for every pot, so they say; but it becomes much more difficult to find love when one is not conventionally good-looking yet is attracted to the type that is — or in our case, someone who may look very different from ourselves.
(I realize there’s more to compatibility than just looks; but that is the crux of this article, isn’t it?)
I’m glad he’s found happiness in a community; some people have searched for years to little or no avail.
Evji108
@AxelDC: It is not necessary to be unkind to someone that shows interest in you. Absolutely unnecessary. There are polite ways of deflecting interest without insulting that person.
ErikO
So this guy just gets with people who are chubby chasers? Or who are fat/obese like him then?