Where were you on Saturday when the skies went black? For most of the day, Grindr — the popular hookup app featuring a menacing “serial-killer mask” logo to get you in the mood for fun, carefree dalliances — went down completely. We’re sure it has nothing to do with the app’s procurement by Chinese company Beijing Kunlun World Wide Technology Co.
In its temporary stead, a cheeky Twitter furor erupted, with antsy gays wondering what exactly to do with their idle hands short of violently sadsturbating.
A handful of wingnuts suggested people go to bars and meet dates face to face, or lounge around in pajamas and read a book — trollish advice illustrating why it never pays to read the comments.
Below, Three Strategies For Coping The Next Time Grindr Goes Fishin’:
1. Purchase Ouija, The Mystifying Oracle
An excellent way to avoid Grindr’s zombified hordes of meth-addicted creepshows is to daintily splash into the darkest margins of the occult and flirt with men who are already dead. The guys you meet on the ever-powerful Ouija are just as capable of saying “hi” and “looking?,” and, in our experience, they often get back to you faster and flake less often. With a little patience, you’re just as likely to be approached by a headless torso — although the ones provided by Ouija are covered in ectoplasm and hover expectantly over the coffee table. If you meet a bad egg, blocking is easy — just burn down the house and run screaming to the nearest monastery.
2. Attract A Potential Mate By Casting A Love Spell
If Ouija sounds too outlandish, try casting a simple love spell. The blog An American Witch
has a simple one with ingredients
you probably already have lying around the panic room: an ounce of sweet bugle, some cinnamon and sandalwood powder, anise seed, always-sexy saltpeter, store-brand “Attraction Oil” (?), two White Sabbath Candles, and magically self-igniting charcoal.
Here’s a brief excerpt of the simple instructions:
If you are homosexual, gay men should use the Mars energy and gay women
should use the Venus energy. Also, you can go a step further. Men, you could start your ritual in Libra during the waxing phase which usually is successful for life partners and marriage… Also DO NOT start this ritual during a Mercury, Mars, or Venus retrograde.
Kindergarten-level stuff. The blog advises you to “dress well” before beginning the simple recipe, which guarantees you’ll never be desperate again. Note: adding too much bugle confuses the Gods and makes them eat 1,000 newborn infants instead.
3. Purchase a Sinthetics Sex Doll
Which isn’t creepy. In fact, the author of this post has been in a happily monogamish relationship with his Sinthetics
sex doll for almost two and a half months. Why, you ask? Well, for one, Sinthetics sex dolls look just like their pictures. No more games. No more drama. No more endlessly scrolling conversations that go absolutely nowhere. In fact, Sinthetics sex dolls will be there when they say they’ll be there. (Expect 24-28 weeks for delivery.) And Sinthetics sex dolls won’t ghost you after the first few hookups. (We’re looking at you, Ouija.)
See? The next time Grindr goes down, remember: There’s a whole wide world out there. It gets better.