Breaststroke Of Genius: Queerty’s 7 Swimsuit Do’s And Don’ts


Spring may have just started, but who are we kidding? It’s just the opening act. Summer is the real star of this production called Life! To get you in a buoyant mood, we’re offering some friendly tips on purchasing bathing suits so that when you’re ready to jump into the deep end and make a sartorial splash, you’ll swim, not sink.

Check out Queerty’s 7 Swimsuit Do’s and Don’ts!

The Board Short


Do: wear if you’re tall and have more legs than a bucket of chicken.


Don’t: wear if you’re short, lest everyone thinks you’re trying to make palazzo pants for men happen.


Try: Multi-Striped 9″ Board Short, $75, Bonobos

The Speedo


Do: wear if it looks like you spent last summer snatching medals in London.


Don’t: wear if it looks like you spent last summer snatching crumbs out of your loose jowl skin.


Try: Emporio Armani Swim Briefs, $80, Nordstrom

Ye Olde-Fashioned Bathing Costume


Do: wear if it doesn’t matter ’cause we can see your abs anyway.


Don’t: wear if you’re denying women the right to vote.


Try: (Best to try a vintage store, but if all else fails) $17.99, sketchy eBay store in China

The Mid-Thigh Trunk


Do: wear if you’re “average” height, i.e. somewhere between pocket gay and giant. Really, you can’t go wrong with a mid-thigh trunk, it’s like the male swimsuit version of the little black dress.

Z Zegna - Runway - Spring 09 MBFW

Don’t:  however, try to pass it off at a cocktail party — you know how the children are.


Try: Brioni Mid-Length Houndstooth Check Swim Shorts, $395, Mr. Porter

The Who-Wears-Short-Short


Do: wear if you’re the aforementioned pocket gay  (it elongates the gams) OR your legs look like they can, and have, choked out a bear — of either the forest or Scruff variety.


Don’t: wear if you’re Jon Hamm trying to avoid a wardrobe malfunction.


Try: 2″ Angeleno Print Swim Trunk – Goa Flame, $125, Parke & Ronen

The MC Jammer


Do: wear if you’re an international man of mystery.


Don’t: wear the knee-length version unless you want to spend the afternoon racing a bunch of d-bags who think they’re better swimmers than you.


TrySwim shorts, $17.95, H&M

And one last piece of advice, kids, remember —


Do: wear whatever you choose to wear with confidence.


Don’t:  be a dick about it. No one likes a show-off —  unless it’s tastefully done, as in a roadside motel room or gas station lavatory. Happy swimmin’!

Don't forget to share:

Help make sure LGBTQ+ stories are being told...

We can't rely on mainstream media to tell our stories. That's why we don't lock Queerty articles behind a paywall. Will you support our mission with a contribution today?

Cancel anytime · Proudly LGBTQ+ owned and operated