#BiWeek

Andy Mientus on being bisexual: ‘I’m here, I’m out, and I f*cking love myself for it’

Photo of actor Andy Mientus taken from his Instagram page.

September 23 is bisexual visibility day. With that day fast approaching, bisexual actor Andy Mientus has taken to Instagram to share a story from his own personal journey.

Related: Broadway’s Hottest Bisexual Has An Important Message For All You Bi-Deniers

In the post, Andy shows a page from an old journal where he writes about his sexuality: “Nor am I going to say I’m bi because any guy that admits to that publicly becomes an instant closet case…”

In the caption, he explains:

This is what I used to think of Bisexuality. I don’t blame this kid – when you never see something represented, other than as a punchline, you don’t think of it as valid. When your straight friends roll their eyes at it and your gay friends roll their eyes it, you avert your eyes, at least.

Thankfully, he made it through those dark days. Today he’s living openly, happily married to actor/director Michael Arden and wearing his bisexual Pride on his sleeve.

Related: Broadway actor Andy Mientus strikes back at biphobic Instagram troll

The rest of the caption reads:

Luckily I fell in love with someone who didn’t fit the narrative I had built for myself so undeniably that I had to confront it, make peace with it, and ultimately own it. For so long it seemed like something insurmountably complicated when in reality, it is so simple.

It’s freedom. In love, in sex, in gender – it’s freedom from the binary. It’s the greatest gift the universe has given me and it’s one I am proud to share. I know a lot of people struggle with this the way I did and I can’t give much advice – we all have our own situation.

What I can offer is my example. I’m here, I’m out, and I f*cking love myself for it. People doubt my identity every day, to my face and behind my back, but I don’t mind. It’s not theirs, it’s mine, and no one can take it from me. If it’s yours too, know that.

Happy #BiWeek, brave souls.

Check out Andy’s full post below…

Some sad scribblings from a very sad and confusing time in my life, thankfully long since passed. This is what I used to think of Bisexuality. I don't blame this kid- when you never see something represented, other than as a punchline, you don't think of it as valid. When your straight friends roll their eyes at it and your gay friends roll their eyes it, you avert your eyes, at least. Luckily I fell in love with someone who didn't fit the narrative I had built for myself so undeniably that I had to confront it, make peace with it, and ultimately own it. For so long it seemed like something insurmountably complicated when in reality, it is so simple. It's freedom. In love, in sex, in gender- it's freedom from the binary. It's the greatest gift the universe has given me and it's one I am proud to share. I know a lot of people struggle with this the way I did and I can't give much advice- we all have our own situation. What I can offer is my example. I'm here, I'm out, and I fucking love myself for it. People doubt my identity every day, to my face and behind my back, but I don't mind. It's not theirs, it's mine, and no one can take it from me. If it's yours too, know that. Happy #BiWeek, brave souls. ???

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19 Comments

  • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

    I don’t get the “freedom from the binary” part. Is he referring to some pansexuality “hearts not parts” shit? Or does he in fact mean freedom from monosexuality?

    • Bromancer7

      He means freedom from having to being gay or straight — but somewhere in-between. Hence the non-binary bit.

  • Donston

    I believe the main thing behind the “bi stigma” is that we can’t even get a consensus on what orientation is any longer. Some want it to be your sexual attractions, some your substantial and sustained sexual attractions, some your sexual behaviors, some your sexual enjoyment, some your romantic instincts, for some it’s merely the people you have relationships with (which is different than romantic instincts), for some it’s some combination of those things. Then you have all these new vague identities that don’t mean anything definitive and that are still often used more to cover up than reveal.

    That’s why I always say it’s more important to be straight-forward about the dimensions and degrees of your sexual attractions, your passions and your romantic instincts than it is about whatever “label” you take on. I believe if more of these unrelentingly outspoken “proud to be bi” men just focused on those things alone and are honest about those things (and also if most didn’t come off so pretentious and like gay-leaning or homo-dominant men desperately trying to hold on to some sense of hetero-normalcy on their social media) then most of the issues would dissipate.

    • frickeepoo

      Well said. I am curious about what you meant by ‘these new vague identities that don’t really mean anything definitive.’ What were you referring to specifically?

    • Donston

      Fluid, flexible (without a hetero or homo in front), queer and there are probably some others. “Bi” and the other “identities” have become so broad and meaningless now, which is why I identify as homo-dominant.

      Most women who identify as bi seem to have no problem being honest and straight-forward about their inherent sexual attractions, passions and romantic instincts and most don’t come off nearly as whiny and attention-desperate. The fact that at least 70-80% of these men who are constantly talking about how proud they are to be bi are very evasive about the make-up of their sexuality, come off very narcissistic and also come off as inherently gay or extremely gay-leaning men trying to hold on to a certain perception of themselves to the world and hold on to a certain type of attention is somewhat disturbing, and it doesn’t really help the “bi cause”.

      I very much believe at this point plain “bisexual” should be saved for people who have real and substantial sexual attractions to and passions for men and women and who could truly see themselves having an authentic and committed and comfortable and non ego/sociological driven relationship with either a man or woman in their future. If that’s not you move on from mere “bisexual”.

  • PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID

    “That’s why I always say it’s more important to be straight-forward about the dimensions and degrees of your sexual attractions”

    Do you like big or small tities, nickel or saucer-sized areiola? Self-cleaning roadkill püssy or continental ruched curtain foreskin with fromagerie?

    • Donston

      You’re starting to become yawn-worthy. Actually contribute to the convo or dip. It’s also funny how you just call out one random quote because you can’t take on or dismiss the whole.

  • Loki

    “…I get genuinely aroused by tons of girls.”

    LMAO! Sounds like someone’s trying to psych themselves up…

    • Donston

      I mean, I sorta went through this stage myself, knowing that I did enjoy the relationships I had with women, got some enjoyment out of the sex I had with women and could be somewhat aroused by women sometimes. However, I don’t get a grown man writing in a paper journal, saving it and then posting that on social media apparently years later.

      The reality is is that most men who have real and substantial sexual attractions to men and women and passions for men and women simply don’t spend forever trying to convince themselves and others that they do and are forever self-conscious and defensive about it.

  • Jaxton

    Good on Andy Mientus for not downplaying his heterosexual impulses. It’s important that men in general be allowed to say that. Gay male culture needs to embrace the idea that the heterosexual impulse can co-exist with rhe homosexual impulse in all men.

    American popular culture is hopelessly biased against male bisexuality. It’s time that popular culture stopped discriminating in this way.

    Girls have to take some responsibility for tbis bisexual bias. My statement to girls is this: why should men accept female bisexuality if women don’t accept male bisexuality?

    • Donston

      Not that there’s any reason to respond to your nonsense but…

      “Gay culture” does indeed accept “heterosexual impulses”. I know this for a fact. I never experienced any bias or hate in the “gay community”. And there are of course many gay and homo-dominant men like yourself that worship any dude who says they’re not gay.

      It’s the desperation that many inherently gay and gay-leaning men have to hold on to some sense of hetero-normalcy, the constant instinct to remind people that they have some slight attraction to whatever gender or used to enjoy sex/relationships with another gender, the constant self-victimizing and evasiveness and contradictions and pretentiousness and the sometimes internalized homophobia that “gay culture” has issues with.

  • Jaxton

    Why should men accept female bisexuality if women don’t accept male bisexuality?

    Women need to understand that acceptance is a two-way street. It should not be a one-way street that favors women.

    If women don’t understand that then they don’t deserve equality.

  • alfred

    why is my comment not getting posted?

  • alfred

    part 2

    I think thats the thing about being someone like him. Now he has a ‘great’ relationship with a guy and he feels comfortable in it, it in a way makes it easier for him to validate his ‘straight’ side so to speak. He can claim his not being ‘really gay’ from a comfortable distance. Im not really able to articulate this very well, but suffice to say I doubt somehow he would have been happy in the long run with a woman. Why do you think that is? that is not inconsequential! That distinction IS important and is often ignored in this grandstanding of woe is me and the mean mono-gays who invalidate my identity. I can only offer my experience of a loud ‘biactivist’ who came to realise that while yes some women are sexually exciting to me on some level, it really was only narcissism, internalised homophobia, unwillingness to look head-on at my specific thoughts and attractions and tbh, plain old narcissism that prevented me from coming to ‘terms’ with being gay. Been there, done that; have the marriage to a woman to ‘prove’ it. Happily an out GAY man now at 33. Thats the reason why lots of gay men ‘roll their eyes’ at guys like you. Many of us have been you, some of us have probably slept with more women than you and had longer and more meaningful relationships with women than you too.

    • Donston

      I had a three year relationship with a woman, even considered marriage. It was “meaningful” and there’s still some love there and we produced a kid together. I try not to assume that most bi-identifying and bi-behaving men are driven by narcissism, minor sexual attractions, being turned on by random body parts, internalized homophobia, sociology and so forth. But these things do seem to represent a large percentage of these “proud to bi” men.

      I don’t consider myself a “bi-activist”, never have, mainly because I don’t understand what the “bi cause” is just like I don’t always understand what “bisexual” is. I am however about promoting people looking inward and comprehending the dimensions of their sexual attractions, their passions, their romantic instincts and the “lifestyle” they’re comfortable with and then being honest with themselves and other people about that. It not only helps people in general understand the spectrum and “complexity” of sexuality but also helps people understand themselves and gain legit comfort with themselves. We simply need to move on from hiding behind identities and behaviors.

  • Bopper1

    …it’s all sniffing tails…the laws of attraction…everybody’s trying to figure out if you’re a good fit…my casual observation, non-scientific, is that the best match for a bi person is another bi person…NOTHING needs to be explained, it all works, nobody’s disappointed, the orientation is understood, appreciated and admired…and in most cases, a bi person recognizes that another bi person is exactly that and not a sexually confused person or a gay or lesbian with training wheels…why does any enlightened person care about where anyone is on the sexual spectrum anyway?!…stay woke…

    • Donston

      Most men who have some type of variation in their sexuality aren’t truly interested in continuously dating and having sex with multiple genders (unless perhaps they have real and substantial sexual attractions to women and trans women). So, it’s not necessary for someone with some bi-ness to their orientation to date a bi-identifying person. Behavior and lifestyle is different than inherent orientation. I’m someone who has some bi-sexuality to my orientation but I’d never be interested in someone who had anywhere near equal sexual attraction to men and women and who wanted to persistently date and have sex with men and women (or people in general). Identifying as the same thing doesn’t mean you have the same orientation or mindset.

      The reason why discussing the “spectrum”- talking about the dimensions and degrees of sexual attractions, passions and romantic instincts- is important is because many people aren’t “enlightened” and don’t understand it. Do we wish to educate people and have people truly understand one another or not? Or is this all about social politics and groupings and agenda? It’s also important because the majority of these “proud to be bi” men seem to have inherently gay or gay-leaning attractions and desires and lean on the “bisexual” title to shield their inherent selves, their internalized homophobia, their narcissistic instincts and/or their desire to hold on to a hetero-normal image.

      Most men with real and substantial sexual attractions to men and women and desire for men and women and who actually can develop romantic feelings and an ability to commit to a man or a woman do not constantly talk about their bi-ness. If you’re gonna keep talking about it and using it to headline articles and to gets likes on social media then be real and straight-forward about it not evasive, vague and pretentious. That’s my whole point. But as I’ve said, the terminologies need updating.

  • Jaxton

    All men have homo impulses – all.

    However, most men will not admit it because women punish them for it . Remember how your mothers punished you when you did something she did not approve of? Same thing.

    Take-home message: male homosexual desire dis-empowers women because it removes the power of consent from women. Women are not going to reward anything that dis – empowers them as a gender – no way.

  • Kenney G

    I hope he finds a nice bi guy to day, They can share a bi girl and do a little pegging, They love those threesomes

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