Another Masturbatory Dream Shrivels Like Patrick Swayze In The Sun

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Dear God,
It’s us, Queerty. We know it’s been a while since we last wrote you fan mail, but we’re really desperate this time. Our cousin Mollygood passed along this horrific picture (right) of once-strapping Patrick Swayze.

Please, god, please don’t let us age in such an ungodly, astonishingly iconoclastic manner. If you grant our wish, we promise to dedicate the rest of our lives to the divine mission of spreading heavenly beauty.

This note’s time sensitive, so step on it!

May you bless yourself,
Queerty