Barack Obama in Gay Sex & Drug Scandal, According to World’s Most Accurate News Publication

obamagayscandal

Of course The Globe‘s “gay scandal” cover story on Barack Obama has to include a shirtless photo of him on the beach — how else to communicate that “gay scandal” means “sex scandal”? The whole charade of a story is ridiculous, but given our penchant for mixing gay witch hunts and politics, let’s see what the accusation is.

We refuse to shell out even a few dollars for The Globe, so we can’t tell you all of the item’s accusations — perhaps you have a copy? — but here’s the article’s blurb:

PRESIDENT Barack Obama is caught up in a new gay sex and drug scandal – and his loving wife is heartbroken, sources tell GLOBE in a blockbuster world exclusive. Find out all the details of the letter Michelle Obama received from the MAN who claims to be her husband’s lover – and how America’s devastated First Lady is fighting back against a shocking new tell-all book. It’s must reading!

Let us translate:

• “a new gay sex and drug scandal” = A made up scandal we pulled from a hat, which was scribbled on a piece of paper alongside “another woman” and “secret S&M fetish”

• “the letter Michelle Obama received” = We punched out a few lines on an old Brother typewriter, addressed it to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, and reprinted what we wrote

• “the MAN who claims to be her husband’s lover” = A pseudonym for a staff editor assigned to manufacture this ridiculous scenario

• “a shocking new tell-all book” = There is no book. Not even a book deal. Or a manuscript. Just a catchy title for an invisible book and this article