Think you’re relationship has issues? Just wait until you hear this guy’s story.
A man recently wrote to advice guru Dear Prudence for help with his boyfriend of two years.
“I’m a guy, and I have been seeing this man for almost two years now and he’s everything I have ever dreamed of,” the letter begins. “He listens to me, he remembers my birthday, he spends time with me, he takes me out, our sex life is phenomenal, and he’s introduced me to his family.”
So what’s the issue?
How about we take this to the next level?
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Related: They’ve Only Been Married A Month And Her Christian Husband Just Confessed That He’s Gay
According to the man, his boyfriend insists he’s actually straight and that he’s “only gay in bed.” Even though they go on romantic dates and say “I love you” to one another and stuff.
Also, his boyfriend also has a girlfriend. Sort of.
“But she is asexual,” the man writes, “so they don’t have sex. She knows that we have sex, and she’s fine with it. It just feels odd to me.”
We’d say “odd” is an understatement.
But it gets even odder.
“I feel like I’m in a relationship,” the man continues, “but he says we’re just friends. … I’m the one he takes home for the holidays, because his girlfriend spends the holidays with her own parents. I’m the one he introduces to all his friends; though he introduces me as his ‘buddy.'”
Related: This Guy Needs Advice On How To Handle His Closeted Mormon Boyfriend
To make matters all the more confusing, the man says he and his boyfriend talk on the phone, flirt, and sext, like, all the time.
“He sends me random messages saying that he’s thinking of me and he misses me,” the man says. “He even says that he loves me before he hangs up the phone.”
But after two years of this, the man has finally had enough.
“I want him to admit that we’re dating; even if he doesn’t say it to anyone else, I just want him to say it to me,” he writes. “What should I do? I don’t want to break up with him because I really love him. But I also don’t want to waste my time if all I’ll ever be is his friend.”
Related: Closeted Father Of Two Desperate For Advice, Internet Answers
In her response, Prudence wastes no time breaking things down.
She writes: “‘Remembering your birthday’ and ‘having good sex’ and ‘capable of listening’ are all great things to have in a relationship, but I promise you they are not some spectacular, once-in-a-lifetime qualities you can only find in this particular man.”
“Maybe ‘only gay in bed’ is a thing,” she continues, “but all the conversations and birthday-celebrating and family-meeting and loving texting that’s going on are hardly bedroom-exclusive activities. Your boyfriend isn’t just ‘gay in bed,’ he’s gay (or bisexual) with, and at, and on, and near you, an awful lot.”
Prudence adds that the man’s desire to be in a relationship with someone who is willing to admit they are dating is not “unreasonable.”
Related: Straight Man Seeks Advice After Sleeping With His Married Boss
“If he’s not able to admit you two are going out, even just to you, you need to ask yourself whether you’re willing to go through another two (or four, or six, or 10) years of being his ‘buddy’ in public and his boyfriend in everything but name,” she says.
She concludes: “You might not want to break up, but I promise you, there are other men in the world who are capable of remembering your birthday, introducing you to their families, listening to you when you speak, and having great sex, all while calling themselves your boyfriend. Go find one.”
What advice would you give this poor fella? Sound off in the comments section below…
Low Country Boy
Sounds like the boyfriend is working through some major issues.
trell
The big question is by what do you, & this guy, define ‘relationship’?
If the basis of your definition is ‘We have sex’ then you are in a relationship with this guy. If the basis is ‘We love eachother, we share everything, physically, emotionally spiritually & intellectually – We are completely open to eachother, and it is both of our goals to grow old together & share our lives together’, then no, you are not in a relationship with this guy.
Nowadays, there are a dozen different ways of this guy defining his connection with you, and a dozen different ways that he can define himself. – You could be friends with benefits, a throuple, fuck buddies etc. He can define himself as bi-curious, hetroflexible, and even ‘only gay in bed’
It seems to bug you that his definitions are not your definitions. At the end of the day, does it matter? He likes you, you like him, he has a girlfriend who is aware of the current situation & is also happy. The only issue is this pidgeonholing of everybody.
If you are uncomfortable with this guy, and believe that he should come to terms with something that isn’t a major issue, then address it with him. Yes, it’s possible that he does not want to label himself as gay or bi, and has formed the opinion that he can only be gay in bed, but straight at all other times. Be frank about it, but you may want to also look at yourself as well. Why do you need him to acknowledge that he is in a relationship with you? Can you accept this guy for who he is, and who he says he is?
rand503
Dump him. The so-called boyfriend has no incentive to change as he is getting everything he wants. And it won’t change. This is all you get, so if all you want, then stay. Otherwise, leave.
Lazycrockett
Keep him tied to the bed.
Mykaels
The ‘boyfriend’ is actually honest and upfront with what he wants, and he is getting it. The guy writing to dear prudence is the one whose heads are in the clouds.
All relationships are mutually agreed upon arrangements. If the arrangement is not up to your standards, try to change it. If it will not change, adapt or leave. The friend with benefits does not have to change, but hopefully he will. If not, move on Felicia.
He BGB
Does this mean that if you are carrying a gay card you have to be a screaming finger popping queen? Being gay is having sex with your own sex. It doesn’t mean you have a gay personality (altho some would argue with me). Just because you aren’t obvious doesn’t mean you are only gay in bed. This sounds like a scene from Brokeback,Mountain where one won’t live with the other because he would really be gay.
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
Ugh. Respect his identity.!!!!!!! Only he can label himself..if he says he’s straight he’s STRAIGHT — ***STRAIGHT**** Totally and irrefutably unhomosexually straight! This article is soooo problematic it’s literally violence
Bauhaus
Brian’s ideal sexual milieu.
crowebobby
I won a lottery prize of $3,000,000 last week. When I took the cash option, many of the bills were wrinkled and several were downright soiled. Should I give it back and hope I’ll win another jackpot?
ErikO
@Mykaels: Very true.
Scribe38
Move on with your life. Date out gay men and make the life you dream of. If you can remain friends (no sex) fine, but if not end it totally and he can go be “not gay” with someone else. I was in a similar situation in high school through freshmen year of college, brought me nothing but misery. He said, “I love you too”, now he is married to the chick he said he wasn’t banging.
Rimminit
Well I’m only gay while playing the skin flute and butt tuba
AxelDC
That’s like saying you are only Catholic in church. That’s where it counts!
Your bf has deep-seated, internalized homophobia. He thinks there is something wrong with being gay, and society, and perhaps his family, reinforces that. He is afraid to come out, but his hormones demand he has gay sex. He has a beard with whom he never has sex. She’s probably gay, not asexual. Does she have lots of female friends that she spends most of her time with? It’s not unusual for a gay man and a gay woman to “date” to avoid social reprisals while their true relationships are gay but hidden.
You have two choices: help him work through his issues, or dump his gay ass and move on to someone with less baggage. The cost/benefit calculation is up to you.
Aromaeus
It’s called being closeted. You have to decide if you can have a future with someone who is apparently very likely never to come out. I mean he’s got a woman he apparently has no problem calling his girlfriend but doesn’t want you to be his boyfriend? It’s only been two years and that’s nothing when you look at the bigger picture and how much people can change in a lifetime. I say you find someone who knows who he is and can give you everything you want physically and emotionally.
Marco
A huge missing fact: how does the non-gay guy react when you introduce him to your friends as your “boyfriend”? If he’s cool with it, great. If he protests, he should be told — you are MY boyfriend, even if I’m not yours. If he can live with it, great. Will the external description as boyfriend be a deal breaker for the non-gay guy? That’s the ?
The closet is deep with this one.
Josh447
Out him, stat.
Josh447
It’s called tough love. He’ll thank you for it in time.
salumbre
It sounds like every one in the relationship is hung up on labels. The correspondent insists he’s Gay, his de facto boyfriend insists he’s Straight, and the girlfriend, who is ok with the two guys screwing and spending holidays together, insists that she’s Asexual. Labels are a lot of work. (Also, since I don’t know any one them well enough, I cannot say they’re mistaken or wrong or whatever. That’s hardly my cal to make.)
Other than that, it sounds to me like the correspondent has a good arrangement, just not the one he wants. Personally, I would be happy with what he has, but it does not seem to be enough for him.
Evji108
@PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID: what a drama queen
Hermes3X
Often the writers for advise columns will condense, rewrite and otherwise leave out information that was in the actual letter asking for help, so we only have the scant info they edit in to go by.
Let’s call them the GB (the Gay ‘Buddy’) and the BF (the ‘straight’ guy) and the GF, the BF’s girlfriend.
This doesn’t sound like a Questioning person, or a confused Bisexual. It sounds like a cheating husband, or cheating boyfriend in this case.
The red flag is the “Platonic” asexual girlfriend. If my boyfriend told me he had a platonic relationship with an asexual girlfriend (or boyfriend), the next thing I would expect him to say is he had a unicorn locked up in his shed.
Does The BF live with the GF? How does the GB know that the GF approves of the relationship? Has he talked to her directly about that, or did the BF say so? The way the letter is written is a bit sketchy. He didn’t say, “She said she’s okay with it”, just that “I met her” “She knows… she’s fine with it” This could mean that when the GB was picking up the BF to go bowling, the GF walked out to the car to meet the GB and said something vague (“I am so glad to finally meet you, BF always talks about how much fun you guys have together”) before the two lovers took off, at which point the BF turns to the GB and says, “she knows, I told her, and she’s cool with it”. Even though she doesn’t know and wouldn’t be cool with it. The GB is none the wiser.
GB “I’m the one he introduces to ALL his friends” does he mean his straight friends at the bowling league, the straight friends the GF never hangs out with? Certainly not the double dates that the BF and GF go on with the friends they have known since college.
“He talks to me on the phone, and we flirt, and sext, and sometimes he just sends me random messages saying that he’s thinking of me and he misses me.” If that doesn’t say “other women” or “other man” to me, I don’t know what does.
silvio_sotto
He is gay, but gay does not mean he is committed to
any one person at any and all times. (He’s a cad, to be old-fashioned.)
He’ll get married and be hetero until he gets tired of the ‘she who must be
obeyed’, then, play her the ‘I am actually gay, not
flexible-curious trump card, leaving her in a
heap of despair! (He might be a daddy by then also.)
In the meantime, my smitten, swooning friend,
you will still be a friend with benefits that he likes
after hours and when he is horny!
It is easy to be fooled by people like this. They give
you a lot of things that make you happy and hopeful.
Go be happy with another man! Hopeful is about as useful as
wondering if your boss will give you a pay raise this year!
PLAYS WELL WITH OTHERS
That guy gots to realize closets don’t come with revolving doors…………..:p
brian_keith
@DIVKID You are totally right! I hate labels and trying to fit in to someone else’s notion of identity. For instance, I am a gay male but straight in bed. No one seems to understand that!
stanhope
Have you looked over the dating pool lately? Sounds like the obstacle is the label. I met this fellow ostensibly straight…he delivered pizza to me one rainy Sunday evening. For some reason I couldnt get him out of my mind. I did something I’d never done before or since. I called the pizza place with a made up story to get him to come back. I had zero reason to think he was gay, was single or would be interested in me. I also would have thought with stereotypical brain that if all of the other hurdles were passed, he’d be a top. I am not versatile.
He returned standing in my door wet, tall, blonde, body of the gods with a smile that would leave you misty eyed. We hooked up that night. We saw each other regularly. He clung on to that straight label though to the best of my knowledge he saw no one else. Fast forward 2 years later. I changed apartments without telling him where I was going. Changed my number too. I lived there peacefully for a year….one Sunday a year later at approximately the same time we first met, the doorman calls up and says Gary is here for you. Turns out this “straight boy” had fallen in love. We went out places and I couldnt have asked for better treatment. The ONLY thing we ever argued about was that label. I say fuck a label…if he doesnt hide you and treats you well……well you do the math.
azani64
My longtime companion of more than thirty years refused to marry me as a matter of principle. Sometimes we would say that we were ‘partners’ on a need to know basis, but never ‘domestic (as in domesticated) partners’. Words define us, but we don’t have to let them limit us. I think the fact that he refers to you as his ‘buddy’ is kind of hot, like the two of you know something no one else does (and is none of their damn business). ‘Take my advice; I’m not using it anyway’.
DarkZephyr
@azani64: “like the two of you know something no one else does”
But that is exactly how it is and that’s not what this guy wants. You may think that living a closeted public life is “hot”, but not everyone does.
“(and is none of their damn business)”
Maybe he wants it to be their “damned business” like over half the other couples in the world do?
The Tower of Power
Ask they guy how much money he is willing to spend per month to stay with you. If the answer is $5000 or more, you have a keeper.
joe
damn i wish i had a bf and gf like that…
Al Peaston
Been there, done that!
Here is my advice…
RUN!
GET AWAY FROM THIS NIGHTMARE!!!
I was in a 12 year relationship with a guy just like this. He was with me (we live together) but never introduced me to his family or acknowledged me in any way! He eventually could not handle his internal homophobia and left. It took a few years to heal – which I finally did. Now have 24 years with a wonderful OUT man who is so much more a partner then that other jerk. I wasted a lot of my time with that other loser. Don’t stay if he can’t admit the truth – he will only break your heart!
Men are like busses, another one will be along shortly. Take the next bus!
scotshot
@Al Peaston: If this is how you see yourself spending your life stay. If not, leave and find someone who can fill your emotional and physical needs, or you may find that you don’t need another man to live a good life.
dean089
Technically we’re all only gay when having sex, despite what the people who sell all the rainbow crap say. Weirdness in a relationship is great as long as everyone involved is a knowing and fully consensual participant. If this guy needs to ask people online to make sense of it all for him, he needs to get out ASAP.
Prax07
Soooo sick of this new trend, Don’t Label Me…get over it. We use labels for a reason. This poor guy needs a label for the guy he’s with. Wether it’s FWB, Bi-part timer, Closeted, or User.
frankcar1965
@trell: My God what a bunch of crap you talk. If this is true and I have my doubts, the guy is just a play thing. If that is what you want then fine, this is all you will get from him. He is obviously not content with his gayness and he is semi-closeted and does not want be gay. I tire of hearing all the “no labels” shit, YOU ARE GAY but want to be something else, just get on with it. It’s always something new all the time.
pscheck2
I was reading some of the posts and they make sense, but wind up goi8ng down different ‘avenues’! So, with that in mind, I would like to add my two cents!Unfortunately, this guy is an enabler in that he is giving his BF an ‘out’ to satisfy his true sexual orientation -GAY!However, he apparently detests being identified as a f*g and is obviously proud of his str8 demeanor( appearance). But the BF must be terribly naive in thinking he is getting by with it. Look, it sounds like his BF is older than he is, so always having his gay ‘buddy’ on hand at family gatherings (even with his ‘beard’); going out on ‘dates’and I’m sure he must have met with his friends more than once with him in tow. So, we’re dealing with the millennials, who are very conscious of the gay lifestyle and I would be very surprised if they’re not able to put 2&2 together.! His family must know and it’s only a matter of time they say: ‘when are you getting married to BF?”(ha-lol)
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
@brian_keith: My friend, Tumblr will understand. Tumblr understands ALL. I’m cutting myself in sympathy with your oppression
PRINCE OF SNARKNESS aka DIVKID
He’s the very definition of not-basic. He’s a keeper.
tyintenn
Um….is “odder” a word?
da90027
Are people really this stupid? Is this a real story? LMFAO!
john.k
@He BGB: I don’t think the guy who wrote to the agony aunt wants the other guy to behave in any kind of stereotypical gay way. He just wants him to acknowledge that they are boyfriends. Note that he doesn’t even need him to acknowledge it publicly – only between themselves.
CivicMinded
Where do you want the relationship to go? Do you want marriage? If yes, propose. If he says no then move on.
Brian
This is the perfect boyfriend – somebody who does not identify as gay but who enjoys male-male intimacy. Perfect. If he identified as gay, it would be tragic as he would feel compelled to talk with a lisp and mime to Britney.
Also, I’m a bit peeved by this woman Prudence. What do women know about male sexuality? I say very little. Women are largely asexual by nature and know diddly squat about male sexuality.
The Tower of Power
@Brian: I think he would be the perfect boyfriend only if he agreed to support the letter writer financially. The lack of commitment he has shown is preventing him from having a domestic relationship in which finances could be pooled to support both parties.
That’s why I said he should stay with him only if he agrees to pay him $5000 or month or more.
The guy is having his cake and eating it too — he is getting sex from the letter writer without the financial support a domestic relationship would add.
When older men ask me out, the first question I always ask is, “How much money do you have?” If they are unwilling to share it, I know they are probably committed to supporting someone else.
Curtispsf
@Hermes3X: And exactly HOW do you know he hasn’t got a UNICORN locked up in his shed? Answer me that, Mr. Smarty Pants. /|\
notcisjustmale
A self-hating drama queen madly tragically in love with a self-hating closet bisexual, by gawd it’s a match made on Reddit or Tumblr. Tell the DQ to buy some black candles and nail polish and it will be all right by morning.
Jaroslaw
@AxelDC: I just re-read this article and missed the parts where the BF tells Gay Buddy he loves him every day on the phone. And introduces him as the “friend.” Depending how old these two are, I’m guessing BF’s family already knows he is Gay. What straight guy brings a man home for ALL the holidays for two years? I agree with everyone else who says Buddy will have to decide what he wants, relationships are defined differently by different people. But if Good Buddy wants a commitment, then they should at least go to counseling. If BF refuses, then Good Buddy should call it quits.
Jaroslaw
@stanhope: I don’t get your story. If everything was going well for two years, why would you move change your tel# and not tell Gary? And are you “dating” now or a couple?
Hussain-TheCanadian
Never tolerate sharing your man, and never tolerate not being acknowledged by your man.
Al Peaston
@scotshot: What? If that comment was to me, please re-read my ENTIRE comment.
Chris
Sounds like the BF is gay or bi, uses the asexual woman as his beard, and has a gay lover (the letter writer) on the side.
The writer might live with that and see how things develop over time. I simply don’t see this as stable enough to sustain very much longer, especially if they develop a mutual circle of (preferably gay) friends who will call the BF on his hypocrisy.
Or he can ditch the BF right now and get on with his life.
As Ann Landers used to say: make two columns; down one side, write the pros of staying together; down the other, write the cons. Only you can understand you’ve written.
Allen.E
I have the same kind of set up with my boyfriend, He and I do know that we need to hide stuff from our parents, his parents were catholic and so are mine. And his friends and my friends were also not so in favor of our homosexuallity. so we disguised ourselves as buddies to hide the fact that we’re sleeping in the same bed. Like us we’re just brewing up the right time to serve up the secret stew that we’re sharing. We know that we love each other that’s the only thing that matters. I do sometimes envy those guys that are openly gay in public, but we also like to deal with this relationship discreetly. We like to see people guess. Having secret dates, having secret trips and we’re still stronger than ever.Maybe your boyfriend just don’t like the pressure of being labled. Try to open-up to him on how you feel. Don’t just dump him without asking what’s your relationship stance. Make an agreement with him. Ask him what does he feel having a relationship with you. If he tells you he loves you then that is it. If he tells you its just skinship then move out.