A woman who unwittingly caused drama at her gay cousin’s engagement dinner has shared her story online, and wants to know if she handled the situation well.
Posting to the popular AITA (Am I The A**hole?) forum on Reddit, user Antelope_Future shared the unfortunate experience.
She explained she was very close with her cousin growing up and “so happy” to be invited to the dinner. At the urging of both her cousin and aunt, she brought along her new boyfriend, whom she assumed would also be her date to the wedding.
“The first part of the dinner went well,” she wrote, but, “things went south after the main course was served.”
“My bf made a comment about how he doesn’t understand why gay people feel the need to get married and they make too much of a fuss over it when they aren’t ~really~ married in gods eyes anyways. The table went silent and my cousin looked understandably hurt. This was a shock to me. I hadn’t been dating him long but we had never discussed religion and he certainly never said anything like this. I got up and asked him if he’d go with me outside to get some fresh air. When we got out there I asked him what the f he was thinking and he said he is sorry if he was “too blunt” but he felt compelled to be honest. I told him that this is not something I will be able to move past and asked him to go ahead and leave the restaurant.
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“When I returned to the table I apologized for his rude behavior and said he would not be coming back. My cousin did not say anything or look at me for the rest of the meal… After the meal, I went to tell my cousin bye and apologize to him personally. Before I could speak he started yelling at me that I ruined a special night for him and how could I invite a bigot to his literal engagement. I said I was so sorry and broke up with my bf and would never want someone like that go to their wedding with me. He said he wasn’t sure if I’d be welcome at the wedding at this point.
“I feel really badly about what was said,” she concludes, “but I did everything I could to manage the situation once I was aware. AITA here?”
Survey says…no.
While some commenters suggest she should have made sure her boyfriend was supportive before bringing him to the dinner, nearly everyone agrees it wasn’t her fault and that she reacted well to a bad situation.
“You did everything you could to handle the situation sensitively and appropriately – you’re a great cousin. But your cousin was also understandably hurt by what happened and lashed out. Give him a little time to cool down and approach again to explain the situation,” advised one person, who added, “Obviously your ex is a MASSIVE AH.”
“If you genuinely didn’t know he was a homophobe, you handled the situation well in response to what he said. I’m sure it’s hard for your cousin to believe that you didn’t know he had those views, and it would have been super hurtful to hear that, especially at his engagement party. I hope after some time you two will be able to make amends,” wrote another.
Mister P
Don’t hang out with anyone who speaks for God.
m
Your 100% right.
Don’t date anyone who is a holy roller. Never ends well. Xtianity hates the LGBTQ community, period
johncp56
Yes! but at least she knows and Hope her cousin was not made,
ohiogreg
Amen!
innocentgay
m, that is false.
Homophobes hate LGBTQ, and many take the Lord’s name in vain while doing so, but I’m a big ol’ Christian and also a big ol’ c__ksucker. Also my church hosts the Pride parade in my city. It’s a century-old Methodist church. They welcome the gays, and not in a “hate-the-sin-love-the-sinner” kind of way. They also run a singles group for LGBT. And they aren’t even the “gay” church in town.
rangerwilcox
bringing a “new” boyfriend to an engagement dinner is never ideal. what does that say to the BF thrust into wedding-related stuff so early in a relationship?
Creamsicle
What else happened on reddit? Did someone post a new cat video? Any updates about AMC or Gamestop?
Man About Town
You also have to wonder what this jagoff thinks he was accomplishing. Did he think his comment would result in the couple saying “You’re so right; we’re cancelling the wedding”?
gzman
Jag off. From Pittsburgh? I mean this in a good way.
MrMichaelJ
Sorry but what idiot doesn’t think to figure out if the new person they’re dating is homophobic before taking them to an engagement party for a gay couple? Her cousin has probably dealt with that crap his entire life and, yes, she ruined it.
Openminded
At a minimum, she should have asked Mr. New BF if he would be cool with going to an engagement party for a gay couple if she legitimately hadn’t been dating long enough to have a feel for his stance.
Mack
At the same time, the BF could have said he was cool with it and still acted like an asshole there. It could have gone either way. She did respond and ask him to leave.
charette8596
I agree that she should have made sure her bf was supportive of a gay couple before bringing him, but at least I think she did the right thing as soon as he did what he did. She really appears to be genuinely apologetic and hopefully her cousin realizes that after some time has passed.
Jere
What actually should have happened was that when she invited the guy to accompany her to the dinner, she should have explained that this was to celebrate the engagement of her cousin Joe to his fiance Rob and how close she’s always been to Joe and how much she likes Rob and how excited she is that they are marrying. Then the guy should have piped up with his beliefs at that point, knowing that being in a relationship with her would ultimately mean having Joe and Rob in his life, something that he clearly isn’t mature enough to deal with on his own. And, if he decided to attend the dinner anyway, he should have had the emotional intelligence to read the room and keep his personal thoughts to himself…for the rest of his life if the relationship worked out. So I think it’s more HIS fault that he chose not to make his beliefs known until the worst moment possible.
johncp56
she did the right thing and i bet after her cusin calmed, she still went to the wedding, as she broke it off at the dinner good lady your better then that guy
Fahd
Key here is “if she genuinely didn’t know….” . She didn’t discuss where they were going with her BF, etc? I would be surprised if there weren’t at least some hints the new BF was capable of ruining the evening before they got there.
I’d have to hear from others who were involved before I gave her a pass. It’s only her side of the story as far as I can tell.
RTG
She was utterly clueless and ultimately, yes an ass***e. Even though gay marriage has been legal since 2015, I can’t imagine any half thinking person inviting someone new they’re dating to a gay engagement party without first mentioning the type of engagement it is.
And keep in mind what the cousin said: this was his LITERAL engagement. It’s something the cousin will NEVER forget and likely never forgive. My family makes sure anytime my partner and I (we’ve been together 29 years) are invited anywhere with them, the other guests are made aware in advance of us and our status. If there are ANY issue, the other party isn’t included. Period. It’s just basic respect.
Tombear
Straight women and men are not very smart quite frequently. She didn’t know he was a homophobe before she brought him to her gay relatives wedding. Is that why so many women get raped and murdered? She didn’t vett the guy first?
NCC-1701
What in the world is your problem?!?
Duir
AITA? Why yes, Tombear you are.
andrewmpls
Not the ahole. I’d say it’s hetero naivety to not think to screen people you’re bringing to a gay wedding event. She could’ve done her homework but then she shouldn’t have to because people in this world shouldn’t be aholes in the first place.
Jim
In this day an age I think we can assume that homophobia is not prevalent and that the homophobes will keep their thoughts to themselves. (As a man almost 70 I’ve seen all forms of homophobia.)
This was an exception.
While she did nothing wrong I wonder if she blindly missed some cues about the bf’s narrow-mindedness .
I understand her cousins fury. This was a special night that was marred.
Hopefully, after thinking about it they’ll both realize that it was an honest mistake and that he was justifiably angry.
Cam
If this is a true story, then no doubt the guy knew he was going to a celebration of a gay wedding and could have said something to her before going. He didn’t, so he wanted to cause trouble.
As for the cousin, and this is why I thought the story may be fake, he should direct his anger at the person who said it, not the person who kicked him out and broke up with him. Most LGBTQ people are very used to dealing with bigots so I assume that most would know not to attack his cousin because she did what she could.
bftlguy
I agree with Cam. There’s no way she didn’t tell him and when she did he didn’t object. That tells me he had already written her off and went to the party just to be a dick and stand up for his so-called Christian beliefs despite the New Testament being mum on gay issues. When she returned to say she dumped him everyone should have cheered for her and toasted to the engaged couple and to her finding a real man! This bullshit about the cousin saying his evening was “ruined” is insane. Only he (cousin) had the ability to ruin the party and it seems he did by clutching his pearls and being petty and overly dramatic.
okiloki
She did the right thing and her cousin was actually out of line for yelling at her and threatening to disinvite her to the wedding. She seems like the most mature one in this situation.