As a service to the gay community, throughout this Valentine’s Day season, Queerty is playing Anne Landers/Dan Savage to the online gay world of Craigslist, our favorite go-to spot for unintentional hilarity. We’ll give our advice to online suitors, but we hope you’ll get involved as well, helping to play cupid to the digital masses teeming to breathe heavy.
Well, this is it, our last edition of Craigslist Love. It was fun while it lasted, and we had some good times, but really, I feel like it’s time that we see other articles. This isn’t easy for us, of course. Breaking up is hard to do, as evidenced by this sad, sad letter.
“Time and again I dream about you; I dream of you time and again – m4m – 22
Reply to: [email protected] [?]
Date: 2009-02-11, 10:53PM ESTIt’s been three months since I sent that last letter to you. I promised you and myself that if you never wrote back, it would be the last one. So far I’ve kept that promise. I like to think that it got lost in the mail. It makes it easier thinking that it simply never got to you, even though I know it did, and you read it, and it changed nothing.
Sometimes, I think you never wrote back because I wasn’t what you expected, that in some way I just wasn’t enough for you. I imagine how all the hopes you projected onto me, with each letter I sent you, came crashing down when we met last summer. The spell was broken, the physical reality of me incomparable to the fantasy you constructed. But the last two sentences you wrote to me still reverberate in my head and rip me apart with their ambiguity: “You were so much more than I expected. I just…don’t know.”
Sometimes I imagine that you justify not returning my letter in order to spare me and yourself the heartache. You thought the distance separating us was too great for us to get involved with one another. And yet that was somehow inconsequential when we were separated by an ocean. I still entertain the thought that you could be that chivalrous.
Maybe when you held my hand on that couch and fell asleep on my shoulder, it occurred to you I could maybe give you everything you wanted, and it terrified you. I wish I could give you the courage to take that risk. I wish you could feel what I feel every time I pass the Graham stop on the L train and think of you, every time I have to walk down 14th street and am reminded of our hunt for the tambourine, every time I step anywhere in the city we stepped. I wish I could see you again and give you the kiss I never got to give you.
I still have your hand print that you traced for me on the back of one of your letters. It’s incredible what a perfect fit it is. I keep it tucked away in the envelope you sent it to me in, in a drawer I rarely use so I’m rarely confronted by it. But occasionally I take it out — smiling at the sight of that pale blue construction paper you use for stationary, your poor spelling, and your i’s dotted with little circles — and I place my hand in yours. I wonder if you still do the same.”
Dear Dreamer,
You know it’s time to move on when you start waxing poetic about your ex-lover’s poor spelling—though, not to be a dick, but a comma wouldn’t kill you, would it? But we feel for you—really, we do. When we were younger (four years ago), heartbreak was a constant companion. Rejection is hard, and unless you have the benefit of writing for a blog where people say all sorts of entertaining things about you on a daily basis, personal rejection can really sting. You get caught up in a cycle of thinking, “What did I do wrong? How could I have fixed it?” and every moment that came before seems suffused in the light of a love that’s now been snuffed out.
How about we take this to the next level?
Our newsletter is like a refreshing cocktail (or mocktail) of LGBTQ+ entertainment and pop culture, served up with a side of eye-candy.
We’ve heard a lot of cures for love in our day. An English professor once told us how he had taken all the love letters his boyfriend had written him, sealed them in a Zip-Loc bag with salt (“so that nothing could grow”) and buried it in the Oregon woods. You don’t need to go that far, but closure is an important part of moving on, and you can’t expect to get it from your ex or from Craigslist. Get rid of all the things that remind you of your ex, put them in a box and hide them away somewhere you can’t get to easily.
Next step in Uncle Japhy’s Patented Wash-That-Man-Out-Of-Your-Hair plan is to write down all the awful things you didn’t like about your guy. This can be tricky, because, as you yourself are doing, even the awful stuff looks great when you want someone back. Still, there was a reason the relationship never worked and you need to keep that in your head.
The most important part, however, is to stop blaming yourself. Relationships unfold in millions of different ways—that’s why we like them so much. But the risk we take in gambling with our hearts is real and when we find ours broken, that doesn’t mean you “failed.” If there’s one thing I can impart on the lovelorn, it’s that no relationships are failures. With each one, if you’re willing to be honest, you’ll learn more about yourself and what you like and what works for you and how to be a more authentic person. That’s always a good thing, and life wouldn’t be worth living if it were all happy-sunshine time.
Nobody’s saying you have to forget those magical times on the L train, but if you’re so caught up in remembering the last guy, you may miss out on the guy sitting right across from you.
What do you do when you break-up with a guy? What’s the best way to move on? Help this kid out!
Don't forget to share:
anyankafan
got dumped about twenty minutes ago. i’m feeling his pain 🙁
drresol
Hmm…I’ve been on the receiving end of a letter like this before, too. Was I understanding correctly that the letter writer only dated the guy for a brief while? That they never even got around to kissinig? If Mr. Ex reacted the way I did upon receiving such a letter, he probably skimmed it, arched an eyebrow, then promptly trashed it, thinking, “DAMN…what a freak…I only went out with you a couple of times. We never even kissed.”
I also have a friend guilty of this. He falls hard for a guy on the first date or two, and inevitably ends up scaring the guy off. This is followed by a month of broken-hearted moping, dark poetry, and letters like the one above. Until he goes out with another guy and finds his “true love”(again), and is beside himself with bliss over his feelings for Mr. Right…and it’s just after their first date. Aaand the cycle repeats.
Sebbe
People who write these letters always seems very high school to me. I mean seriously, why would you post that on craigslist?
Clearly this guy has low self-esteem and needs to have more confidence with himself before being ready emotionally to share his heart. I assume he is rather young, and with trial and error will learn.
What is that saying RuPaul always says. “If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?” It’s true though, and I think sometimes when your younger you just are attracted to the “idea” of being in a relationship.
I still keep in contact with most of my exes, with a few notable exceptions. Those exceptions usually being the people I don’t consider my exes, because they fell hard and fast in the beginning. For me, personally, that is always a turn-off, no matter how good the guy may seem.
Is this dude really talking about someone he only went on one date with? That’s not an ex, that was a date.
Mike D
@anyankafan – Dumped the day before valentine’s day? That sucks so bad! I feel for you!
Re: article – Great suggestions Japhy. As someone who has been a “student” of heartbreak (meaning I used to listen to a lot of heart break music, ie. Roy Orbison and The Magnetic Fields, have seen many, many heart break themed movies, and have experienced quite a bit of heart break in life), I would say that the most important thing to do after love lost is to focus your love on yourself. When you’ve spent so much time and effort loving someone else, you begin to forget about yourself. Love yourself. Realize how wonderful you are. Go out and flirt (or if it’s your thing, sleep around). That kind of affirmation will boost your self-esteem and jump-start the refocusing of your love to yourself. Also, refocusing your energy into your profession is a great way to bypass much of the pain while time heals the wounds. Soon you’ll begin to realize that you don’t need him. And once that line of thinking is broken, the wanting him can be easily changed.
Tweek
…Just go out and get you pu$$y pounded – you’ll forget all about him!
Geoff
Advice from “Uncle Japhy”….I like that idea for a new feature. As for the pain of the letter-writer, I think we’ve all been there at one time or another. Good to remember that it does eventually get better. @ anyankafan, I’m really sorry to hear about your situation. Take care.
hayson
Makes me think of RULES OF ATTRACTION…
Anon
xanax? codeine? alcohol… not mixed…
just kidding.
Being dumped is horrible, but focus the negative energy on creativity or progress instead. Most fantastic books and artworks were conceived in deep misery.
My anxiety, stress and sometimes sadness fuels me to take the steps necessary to keep struggling and evolve.
But perhaps that only goes for pretentious artsy types, who knows.
gayleefwd
Hey, it’s “Ann” Landers, no ‘e’ at the end… she’s nice to queers, the least we can do is spell her non de plume correctly!
Sebbe
@gayleefwd – “she’s nice to queers” LMAO
Jaroslaw
#9 – Ann Landers, while yes, was very tolerant for someone her age and advocated fairness in employment etc. has left this realm of consciousness many years ago in case you were unaware….
jason
If you’re going to correct someone else’s grammar, at least spell “nom” correctly. 😉
Charles J. Mueller
@Jaroslaw:
Sad to say, this is very true.
However, a new generation can enjoy Miss Landers’ wit and common-sense advice in the weekly syndicated column “Classic Ann Landers.” You can also read more about Ann Landers’ life in Margo Howard’s tribute to her mother, “A Life in Letters: Ann Landers’ Letters to Her Only Child.”
So, in a sense, Add Landers lives on in the hearts and minds of those us who read and loved her advice columns. She was light-years ahead of the Priests, Reverends, Pastors, Shamans, Rabbis and Imams.
Had they read her enlightened columns, instead of confining themselves to the biggest piece of hate literature ever written, they could have learned much from her.
If anyone is in the dark as to which piece of well-known literature I am alluding to, please drop a sase in the mail for the answer.
Tyler
Japhy, you’ve really made my day. You handled this farewell to “advice” with actual heart. At any rate, it comforted this single guy on Valentine’s-eve.
anyankafan
My advice now that ive had 12 or so hours since my nice little valentines dumpage, is like someone else said: focus on urself, and get creative 🙂
i’m using the wonderful hurtyness as drive to get a flat stomach 😉 workin a whole lot better than my new years resolution
adzomelk
i might suggest driving a stake through his heart
preferably while hes awake hahahahahahahaha
dgz
this is all so touching… but a traced handprint on construction paper??? is he dating a kindergartener? (hint: if the hand was made into a turkey, the answer is yes. after all, Thanksgiving was 3 mos. ago…) if so, buddy, time to move on.
Aaron M
I used to think that given another chance with an X that I really loved and let get away, that it would be different. Well
I even did that after 2 or 3 years I happened to be in the area
that he lived ( St Joe, Michigan, ) Hey Fred this is about you LOL We ended up spending the entire day together, talking and having the greatest time, it was as if the years apart were weeks and we like the past. Then night came and he invited me home with him and just like before, I followed him into his house and was introduced to the guy he was living with and I would of ended up being the meat in a sandwich. He had not changed at all still picking up guys and needing more then one on a string all the time. But hey it was fun and I hold no ill will towards him and never will and think of him and many others with warm loving thoughts and always a twing of pain, Oh yea and Sandy if you happen to read this, your still in my heart and last (not really ) but Never the least of Beautiful men Sid you I should of begged to stay and I know you would of, but then everything I have done the past 15 – 20 – 25 (what ever) years would of never been and I would of missed so much. But maybe I would of been happier and I sure wish I knew. So to all of you that remember and there were many of you, I remember each and everyone of you and you all will be in my heart and on my mind forever and thank you for the time we were given together. PS my name is NOT Aaron but I was in the Grand Rapids Michigan area during most of that time. And that is my or one of my Email that I use. Bye PSS Forgot about being in Canada, Toledo Ohio, New Orleans and San Francisco and many years traveling the Country with Auto Racing People and meeting thousands of people, But all of you who met me will remember, that we had Great Times. Almost forgot The Southern swing down in South Florida in the 80s LOL
OK see ya all later Bye Bye Bye
Aaron M
For the life of me I nearly forgot, you know most of thease guys I would say 65% or 70% were mostly straight/ BI / Male friendly
and more then likely would never read this blog, but ya never know. There were still a number of them that were openly gay and most of the gay friends that might read this are no longer with us a great many who died of AIDS of those friends I miss all of you more then I miss not having a love in my life. I hope your all in a happyier and wonderful place if there is one.
Rob Moore
I have been in lust a number of times. Only fell in love once. He wanted to dump his kids on relatives. I felt that was wrong. He dropped me for someone a little more amenable to child abandonment. He split up the kids between two countries and three relatives. My heart was broken for him and for the kids. That was enough for me. My judgment in mates was seriously flawed. Lust will do just fine. When I learned he died a few years later, I felt old grief reawakened briefly. Oddly, I felt guilty for not being there to protect him. How pathetic is that?
Cody
I have been single for two years now. My last relationship lasted a year and a half and I fell hard. I love that boy. I have yet to meet a guy that measures up to him (and believe me, I’ve done my “research”). Unless you count his current boyfriend. Yes, his current boyfriend. The guy he is dating now hooked up with me first. I became interested and found out two weeks later, on my own, that they were now dating (this was in December).
I’m a bitter hag at the age of 21. That can’t be healthy, can it? We broke up two years ago. He has been in two relationships since. I am still not over him. He’s a great guy with great goals in life (which I admire). I’m beginning to think I’m a little mad in the head. We were together a year and a half, and two years later I can’t stop thinking about him. What’s a boy to do?
Sebbe
@Cody – I’m only a few years older that you, but let me say in those few wise extra years you learn a lot and grow a lot. I was also in a significant relationship at your age that took me quite some time to move on from. Once you find another though (and perhaps find more out about yourself) it will just be a memory. I still have conflicted feelings looking back, but now am able to see the good and the bad and what led to what and learn from it.
I’m sure that I am just young and dumb, but, it seems like every gay year in your 20s is like 10 normal years?
I hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but, the situation with his new boyfriend sounds pretty tragic and f*cked up.
Pugs
@drresol: Sebbe, thanks for telling us what the receiver of this letter would’ve thought. See, I’m the sap who writes “those” kind of letters and end up getting my heart stomped when the receiver doesn’t respond. Now that I know what he/she thinks, I’m gonna play my cards a little closer next time.
drresol
@Pugs: NP, man.
@Sebbe: You make a good point, man. The “hard and fast” in the beginning is a turn-off. I know situations can vary, but for the times it’s happened to me it always makes a red-alarm go off in my mind. This guy is suddenly coming across as desperate and emotionally unstable. You love me? Man, we just met a couple of weeks ago. You don’t even know me yet.
I do agree, also, that it seems to stem from a mix of low self-esteem and emotional instability. Suddenly this guy you just went out with is trying to project you into the role of husband, trying to form intimate attachments that it’s clearly to early for. Even if he’s cute and you initially found him likable, you now begin pulling away. This guy has issues, and I can’t fix them…even though he’s convinced himself being in a relationship will be his cure-all.
And it’s during that “pull away” that letters like this get written. You start ignoring his calls and texts (usually 20 a day) because he’s now coming across as creepy and the blitz invasion into your personal space by this (relative) stranger is unnerving. A normal guy would take the hint and pull back, but our letter writer only increases his efforts; desperation growing with each call,email,text; etc. We’re now in full-blown stalker territory and you’re considering a restraining order if this continues. It’s also ironic that his actions are producing the exact opposite of what he hopes to accomplish. At this point, you don’t even want to be near him, much less date him. Finally, in a last act of desperation, an email like the above letter pops up in your inbox….did I mention this has happened to me before? lol
Sebbe
@drresol – um, I think we might have both had the same stalker. LOL
@pugs – don’t write letters is my advise. nothing screams I don’t have any self esteem or the balls to speak to you directly like a letter. While it may be “easier” to express one’s self that way, love is not always easy. My internal soul wretches and rolls his eyes whenever receiving one of these.
Of course, “cards” are acceptable on major holidays, anniversaries, etc. If it doesn’t fit in a hallmark, it is too long.
Chloe
looks like a stalker to me.
Valentine Stalker
Years ago I dated a guy a few times. He was nice but certainly had his issues and to be fair I had mine and I was not ready for a relationship even though I had mostly been single for about 8 years.
Long story short…he sent me flowers several times along with cards. I found it rather sweet at first, then a little bit much, then sort of concerning.
Then I walked into work one day and a straight co worker stopped me in the break room and said to me “you have got to get mean”. I asked him what the fuck was up and he told me to brace myself. I walked into the ICU unit where I worked as a RN and HOLLY FUCKING SHIT. I am not exagerating when I say that there must have been AT LEAST 70 vases of flowers. I was so fucking humiliated and embarrased. I mean it was like a Tiny Tim wedding set on Johnny Carson.
I cried all the way home. After some of the shock wore off, I took my co workers advice and I got mean. I had to. For this guy to subject me to this type of crap, making it that much worse b/c it was at my place of employment, was just too surreal.
Needless to say, I never saw this nut job again. I am now madly in love with my husband of 10 years. I have always loved flowers, but actually I am glad my husband is not the type of guy to ever send me any….and I am actually glad he doesn’t. When I want flowers now, I gladly buy them myself! 🙂
Sebbe
@Valentine Stalker – I sooo would have been off flowers for the rest of my life. That would have been bad enough in any case, but to send it to your work. OMG. Congrats to you and your husband for finding each other.
Valentine Stalker
@Sebbe:
Thanks for the kind words. Yea, I feel very lucky to have found the right guy for me/us. Cheers.
drresol
@Valentine Stalker:
Continuing my stalker saga…mine didn’t target me at work…worse, he found me at home. I received a call from one of the girls in my apartment complex’s office (all of whom I’m friends with). Her voice sounded a bit strained…”there is this guy here who is looking for you. He’s wanting to know what apartment you live in…says he’s an old friend of yours? Name’s Chris…you want me to give him your apartment number? Or phone number..?” Nah…he’s already got my phone number. I’ve got 55 text messages and 10 voicemails to prove it.
You know that feeling you get when the color drains outta your face? I was seriously freaked out. This guy (as I later found out) had looked me up on the internet and somehow found out where I lived; he just couldn’t find the exact apartment number. So he comes to my complex and (I assume) wanders around a while looking for my car (I was at work), and finally *goes to my apartment office* to try to find out where I lived. When he couldn’t find that info out, he left (with the girls)…a letter. lol
Ah, good times in the gay dating scene…glad you found a keeper, though, man.
@Sebbe:
No shiat. He could well be the same guy. We should start a support group or something 🙂
Sebbe
@drresol / valentine stalker – I feel so vindicated, I can’t tell you for how long I wondered if it was something “I” did. I always said he was crazy, but part of me wondered for awhile if there was still something I said or did that set him off. I guess crazy is crazy, gay & straight.
For the longest time, whenever I went on dates I was always skeptical to let someone know where I lived or worked as well.
Steve-o
The letter writer deserves the same tough advice that many of us would give our dearest friends:
Pull. Yourself. Together.
If you put out these kind of negative vibes into the world people are going to feel it, and whether you have it in hand or not, you’ll forever be that guy clinging to construction paper and misspellings.
And that’s not good for you. Or your friends. Or anyone else. (With the notable exception of this blog.) Stop it.
Michael
Its hard to judge how someone should move on without knowing the social relationship personally. THis guy sounds like he barely new the man he was writing to. So maybe he’s being too stuck on the guy…or maybe I’d be being too judgemental? I’ve been on that horrible teetering edge depression due to someone who I thought was a best friend and basically dropped me for whats turned out to be a rather disappointing twink…and what do you do when you can’t avoid someone?
name
can you do thi for me,