Bold fashion choices are practically a queer birthright, but every so often, a little self-editing is called for.
A soon-to-be-married straight man uninvited his gay brother, Sam, from the wedding after seeing Sam’s planned choice of attire — a rainbow-colored tuxedo.
Sam called the snub “homophobic,” but many online feel the groom was justified in his actions.
To be clear, the bride and groom set a “black and white only” dress code for their big day, so showing up in a rainbow tux does seem like a fairly big cry for attention. Plus, you never want to upstage the bride.
How about we take this to the next level?
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Sharing the story on the ever-so-popular AITA (Am I The A**hole) Reddit forum, the groom said he was initially excited to have Sam and his boyfriend Jack at the wedding.
Related: She brought a homophobic date to gay cousin’s engagement party. It didn’t end well.
That excitement was dramatically dampened when Sam sent his brother a photo of his outfit a week before the event.
“Initially I thought he was joking so I said ‘lmao.’ He was very hurt and told me to go f*** myself.” He added he’s always been comfortable with whatever Sam wore in the past, but that given the circumstance, it felt inappropriate.
The groom told his brother “he could come if he didn’t wear the outfit,” but Sam dug his rainbow-colored heels in the sand and refused.
“He said it cost a lot of money and he didn’t want it to go to waste because ‘I was being homophobic,'” the groom wrote.
“I am very much not homophobic,” he added. “I go to Pride marches and have never had any problem with him being gay.”
The drama didn’t quite end there, because while “most” of the groom’s family agreed with his decision, some were upset and refused to attend themselves.
Related: Woman who outed ex to his fundamentalist, Mormon family wonders: “Am I an a**hole?”
Hundreds of commenters left supportive messages siding with the groom, but then the story took a sad turn.
In an update to the original post, the groom wrote that after having a long conversation with Sam’s boyfriend, he learned that Sam was recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder and in a bad place.
“That is why he flipped at me and made a big deal out of this. I feel like such an a**hole about this whole situation and so does my soon to be wife.
“After learning all of the stuff I know now about my brother I wish I would have let him wear the tux.
“I have told his boyfriend that my brother can wear whatever he wants to the wedding but they do not want to come.”
scotty
i wouldnt go to your effing wedding either, breeder.
PQ
Gross
stanhope
You’re just mad because nobody would marry your prolapsed hole and you smell too bad to be invited anywhere
DarkZephyr
@stanhope, I am guessing you’re the one who caused his “hole” to prolapse, since you are so aware of these intimate details?
Dannyzackery
People like you are why people want straight pride.
cgphoenix79
I literally created an account on here just to reply. So we know that homophobia and bigotry are never acceptable. Ever. Two wrongs don’t make a right, Scotty. And before I become a victim of your vitriol, I’m a bi/sapio-romantic demisexual. While I did choose to have a child, thus becoming a “breeder” myself, that doesn’t make me a horrible person. It just means that I had a child. I know you’ve likely been the recipient of a crap ton of hatred just for being what you are. That’s not ok, and I’m so sorry you’ve gone through that. But those who procreate don’t always hate.
raenabows
Let’s not. The term “breeder” has seriously racist undertones. Is that what you call gay couples that choose to have kids via surrogate? Gross.
Parker2242
Dude quit being a troll. Breeder? 2 wrongs don’t make a right and slinging slurs over someone who didn’t even invite you to their wedding anyway, so you not going doesn’t even matter. But cool, you get to be a righteous d:ck ?
DBMC
Hey, Dannyzackery,
This is not why people want straight pride. They want straight pride because they’re sad, insecure incels and no one wants to be around them. They look around and think, “why do people hate me but not gays?” and that makes their little feelings hurt.
JanDivine
The groom is right. The wedding is not the time or place to scream a statement. I am gay, but would not even think of trying to steel my brother’s wedding day.
bobmister250
Weddings and public social events have dress codes. If you can’t adhere to them, don’t come.
Dannyzackery
Ikr and they are more petty for getting so offended.
averageguy40
The groom is right here. Why shouldn’t he expect from his brother what he expected from all of the other guest in attendance. It’s the bride and groom’s day. Not a place to make a statement. The brother can wear the rainbow tux at his wedding.
Jim
You are so right but a rainbow cummerbund might be allowed.
CityBoy300
Agreed. With such a – frankly – tacky-sounding outfit, you are demanding that people look at you. This is NOT your wedding. Be a good guest and wear something appropriate.
Toofie
Groom did the right thing. The brother was sadly trying to upstage the bride and groom.
Capawok
The Groom did the right thing, despite his brother’s unfortunate diagnosis; which has NOTHING to do with his poor choice to upstage the bride.
PERIOD
wiggie
groom did the right thing. Brother was wrong on every level
Essie
You can’t upstage the bride. It’s bad form, bad manners and really unkind. The groom obviously loves his brother so they should all just kiss and make up. This is ridiculous.
SiamSean
Agreed Essie- You never upstage the bride. This is a no-brainer.
CityBoy300
Completely agree. It’s like the MOG asking if she can wear her old gown. NO This is NOT about you.
johncp56
You know I would almost agree, if this gay bro was going to make a sene, but if he just want to wear a fancy colored outfit, shame on his bro the ladies can wear most anything and color, unless told no loud colors please, so what is it
DarkZephyr
You almost make a good point but I doubt any female wedding attendant would be permitted to wear a bright rainbow dress either.
Dannyzackery
Are you trying to say that all gays are ladies? Dude, it’s a tuxedo, and it’s a wedding.
storm45701
Everyone was told it was formal black-and-white only. How hard is it to comply?
Raphael
@storm45701 Mistakes were made on both sides. Johncp56 has a point; aside from white, women can wear any color. I understand that there were a dress-code, but that was a mistake on their part as well. How the hell you’re going to set a “black-and-white only” for a wedding?! It will either look like a funeral or every woman would be upstaging the bride… With that said, a rainbow tuxedo is “bit much”, he could have chosen a rainbow bow-tie or a more tone down approach, like rainbow sleeves.
winemaker
I’ll have to side with the groom on this issue. A wedding is all about the couple, period. A simple solution to this, the gay brother wear a pride pin, simple and unobtrusive. Most if not all weddings are formal affairs, the men wear suits and the women wear dresses other than white so not to upstage the bride, Really this is something that usually would happen at a children’s birthday party and not a wedding where most of the guests are adults Sheesh!
DarkZephyr
I’m mostly on the side of the groom, the gay brother is the type of gay that pisses everyone off at us.
Capawok
VERY WELL WRITTEN….
bachy
Wear you rainbow tux to your own wedding!
CurtisIsTheOne
EVERYONE on the planet knows that you do not do anything to draw attention away from the bride on her wedding day. How would brother SAM feel if a guest at HIS wedding came in a meat TUX to announce he was vegan. Or came dressed as a piece of broccoli? Sorry, SAM. Your diagnosis does not give you leave to dress as an entitled person (I originally wrote bitch but thought that was too snarky). And calling an otherwise supportive brother homophobic is what pisses off many of our hetero allies. [You know what’s homophobic? When my supposedly religious brother told my parents to shun me and disown me when I came out to them, but that’s ANOTHER story.] Sorry, SAM, but you are wrong. In MY opinion.
Max
sometimes, the extra just needs to be contained so the lackluster others can shine through.
cuteguy
Bipolar is just an excuse for an entitled brat who just happens to be gay. Yes there is still homophobia in this world (sadly) but this certainly isn’t one of them. Throwing out the gay card inappropriately and for the wrong reasons is just as bad as throwing out the black card or the woman card for all the wrong reasons. It’s irresponsible and harmful . There a time and place for everything
BoylesqueBubble
Well, as for the rainbow tux, it’s not all about him. It’s the wedding of his brother, there is a dress code obviously. This isn’t the time to be loud and obnoxious. Sure there might be other people who wouldn’t have a problem with the guest wearing such a loud getup. But the brother isn’t homophobic because his brother can’t come in a rainbow tux. Obviously his brother was or is seeking some sort of attention or validation, but someone else’s wedding isn’t the place. Bi-polar or I’m a bad place, isn’t an excuse. Perhaps had the gay brother maybe explained what was going on in his life and his struggles, it would have been an easier compromise. Instead he called his brother who loves him, homophobic. Which obviously isn’t true. In the end he relented, and I hope the gay brother accepted the olive branch.
Situations like this are nothing new as it is. So many weddings become a nightmare with people trying to make someone else’s event all about themselves. I read a story recently where a woman is furious that her young daughter wasn’t the flower girl at a wedding, and she made the assumption she would be and told her daughter she was, when the little girl in NO way was selected. Her reasoning was because the flower girl at her own wedding, was the daughter of the soon to be bride, and insisted it was “tradition” and manners. Where she got this idea in her head without even being asked is beyond me, so on an assumption with NO invitation to do so, she has upset her daughter and is demanding still that because her daughter is upset (thanks to her meddling) she should still be the flower girl. So many people become entitled at other people’s events, it’s dumbfounding. Or people getting upset that their friends are having child free weddings (that’s divided a lot of people) and again, no one is obligated to cater to your sex trophies.
edwardnvirginia
IT IS ENCOURAGING to see some queer commenters resorting to REALITY for a change.
SOCIAL REALITY has boundaries that we call respectful customs, traditions, and courtesies. Different cultures have different boundaries. If we are respectful human beings we learn the boundaries of the different cultures. We don’t binge eat and purge in the restaurant dining room: those afflicted with that anxiety disorder take the purging home, or at least into a locked restroom. Or, better yet, they seek professional care to be well.
We don’t piss on or stomp on a Koran; because that is disrespectful of a billion+ Muslim people, most of whom are not jidhadist terrorist who behead queer people. etc. But did you see the queer folx in Seattle who stole the Bible a man was reading in a public area and tore it apart, put some in a toilet, pissed on it, and then kicked it around, in front of him? They failed the observe proper social respect and cultural respect for a billion+ Christian persons, most of whom are not mass murderers of gay people.
We don’t encourage young children and adolescents to use dangerous drugs that can permanently harm their development. Do we? Yet, the queer elite establishment has decided that it is ok to encourage young children and adolescents to demand surgeries and chemical therapies that WILL – not can, or may – but WILL – permanently change their bodies, and brains, Under expert medical care – preferably a WHOLE TEAM of medical professionals in mental health, behavioral health, endocrinology, developmental psychology, internal medicine, etc – these procedures can be ethically sound and even ethically preferable. WITH THIS WHOLE CARE TEAM, and with clear, direct informed consent of the adult guardian of the child. How wonderful that our society has this science and care available.
BUT queer media, queer activists, queer know-it-alls have decided that this whole team of medical experts it not needed. That clear, direct informed consent of adult guardians is not needed. All that is needed is for social media hacks – ‘counselor in a box, online’ – can prescribe these powerful, body-altering, brain-altering chemicals online. To adolescents.
When is the queer establishment going to demand that these businesses be PROPERLY REGULATED for the health and safety of queer youth!? Or do queer media and queer establishment know-it-alls getting KICK BACK monies from these online businesses?
Here’s one way to test that hypothesis: Queerty, and its incestuous cousin, LGBTQ Nation, can do investigative research on money-making online prescribing to queer youth. AND they can also publish a statement if – and how much – they get from these businesses, in in form of money, inkind value, etc.
So, QUEERTY, and LGBTQ Nation: will you? Or will you continue to hide that queer media and queer establishment elites are making money off – basically ‘pimping out’ – trouble queer youth?
Jack Meoff
A gay rainbow-coloured tux is just a plain tacky choice no matter what the occasion outside of a Pride event.
still_onthemark
Sam is lucky – the bride might have killed him!
Raphael
A rainbow tux is just ugly, even if it was a gay wedding. If he absolutely had to wear rainbow, he could have chosen a bow-tie or just the sleeves… But let’s not get the bride and groom out of the hook just yet. “Black and White only”, seriously!? Who came up with that stupid idea!? You want every woman wearing white on your wedding? Or, if they have the slightest bit of common sense, all of them wearing black and having your wedding looking like a funeral?
Man About Town
The first dumb mistake Sam made was purchasing the outfit for the wedding without consulting his brother about it. Inevitably it snowballed from there, and Sam continued his infantile idiocy by calling his brother homophobic. Sam owes his brother and sister-in-law a huge apology, but they shouldn’t hold their breaths waiting for it.
Cam
The brother’s being a drama queen who wants attention. HOWEVER, an ugly outfit at the wedding wouldn’t ruin it. I would invite him, but make it clear that I think his outfit is about making the day about himself. If everyone who looked ridiculous at a wedding wasn’t invited there would never be any bridesmaids.
kylede
An INVITATION to any private event (be it a wedding, birthday party, even goign to a neighbors for coffee) is a privledge……You are NEVER , ever, ENTITLED to an INVITATION (then it would be called an “entitlement”). With that privledge comes rules and restrictions. If you cant get that through any of your heads how do we have a civil society??? The groom was right, the brother an asshole from like the second sentence…everything else is bullshit
DennisBTR
I don’t even understand why there is a huge discussion about this, but since there is — If you are an invited guest to anything (wedding, party, dinner, etc.) and there is a dress code, you either accept the invitation and adhere to the dress code or you decline the invitation. It’s that simple.
It completely unacceptable for anyone to accept an invitation to something and then want to ignore the stipulations that come with that invitation.
It’s not that hard to understand. All the other elements of this story are irrelevant.
footwork61
Weddings are such narcissistic events these days. Anyone egocentric enough to tell their guests what color to wear doesn’t deserve to have anyone attend. Anything more specific than formal / casual / beach-resort attire means that either a bridezilla is on the loose, or the event planner hijacked the occasion.
Weddings are supposed to be a celebration of two people finding love, not a cheap rip-off of a high school production of The Prom.
twomen4u
As a retired gay pastor who thought he had seen it all or heard of all, this strikes a new cord. From what I read the invitation came with stipulations. When you accept you are agreeing to go with the flow. I do NOT fault the brother as after all folks it is a very special day in the life of the bride and groom. Set aside your petty grievances and get a normal tux and go to the wedding. Otherwise, you run the risk of alienation from the couple.
When I kicked down the closet door at 40 my brother took it a step further by telling people I was dead. After my resurrected self appeared at a body shop to pick up my car, the owner who has known my brother from first grade, called him with me standing there. He proceeded to ask my brother if he knew how to contact me. With the phone on speaker phone, he again told him I was dead and his response to my brother was priceless. He said well he has come back from the dead as he is standing beside me – CLICK.
Kangol2
Personally, I’d follow the dress code, and always have. Having said that, if this were my wedding and my sibling wanted to attend in a rainbow tux, I’d be happy to have him no matter what he had on–so long as he had on clothes. That would be the limit. You only live once, and if you love your sibling/s–brothers, sisters, etc.–you and your spouse-to-be can make an allowance to let them be themselves, bipolar or not. At least that’s my thought.
McSteve
My boyfriend of 3 years officially came out to his family (mainly the parents) late last year. Five months later his sister was getting married and he was invited without a plus one. It was explained that it was because he ‘would be coming out at her wedding’ and that all eyes would be on us. (The wedding was 300 people.) He did not attend, and now, for the rest of her life, she can look at her wedding pictures of the family that don’t include her brother.
Raphael
Indeed, it would be kind of a “coming out” at her wedding, she is right about that, however, I doubt anyone would talk about it more than a minute. I guess it would be like:
Relative 1: Oh, look, he came with a guy, he’s gay.
Relative 2: Yeah, who would have thought… So, where is the cheese?
wikidBSTN
Listen – this is simple. There was a dress code. It is the bride and groom’s day. Abide by their wishes. It doesn’t go beyond that.
Mpo2411
So many wrongs on so many levels. I’m Team Groom on this one.
Àn invite to a party with a dress code is a contract to follow the dress code if you go to the party.
No one is allowed to upstage the Bride. Didn’t anyone watch Bridezillas?
A rainbow tux is tacky overstatement and shame on his boyfriend for allowing him to think it was ok.
Mental illness is not an instant ok to do what you want.
If the groom waived the dress code for his brother, he should have done so for everyone.
They already knew and accepted he’s gay. This was not a coming out or a statement moment. Visibility could be achieved with more tasteful rainbow accents: cumberbun tie, socks
Black AND White, not Black OR White, but either way, it’s an ok theme for a party if you’re creative with it. Just ask Cruella
Those people who didn’t show because of the dis-invite should never have RSVP’d to begin with since they were clearly not friends of the Bride or Groom
Clearly this was not a Gay/Straight issue, it was a tacky/rude/tasteless issue with a (medically condoned) childish tantrum thrown in