STORY TIME

Do You Know The Bible Story About How Noah Brought Queer Animals To The New World?

The city of Williamstown, Kentucky has just given a huge tax break to the Ark Encounter theme park, a religious-themed amusement park that will include an “actual size” replica of Noah’s Ark (300 by 50 cubits). And while we kinda don’t give a crap, we thought it’d be a good time to tell you the queer Bible story about the gay animals on Noah’s Ark and how God made the rainbow the ultimate queer symbol. Oh, and it’s 100% true. So grab some cookies and punch—Sunday school’s in session, suckas.

So, the second after God creates the world, Eve eats the apple, Cain kills Abel, and then their offspring begins murdering, fornicating, worshipping golden calves, and doing all sorts of stuff that really ties God’s tits into a knot. So She decides to drown everyone except for Noah, y’know because She and Noah are like this [fingers crossed].

Anyway, Noah’s building this insane ark and it starts raining hardcore. So now he’s gotta finish the ark and wrangle all the animals in the world AND figure out which ones are male and female AND set sail all before the wave pool starts. So you gotta figure the guy’s in a rush and it’s hard to tell the sexes of some animals when you’re under the gun (kittens for instance). So he accidentally pairs up some same-sex animal couples on the boat: a pair of lesbian seagulls, some gay flamingos… the camels were definitely humping. Some gay Zebra Finches. Oooh, and a honey badger.

Plus, there’s a bunch of other gay animals that survived the flood.

Now you might be thinking, “No, all the other animals drowned.” Umm… you can’t drown fish, genius. So along with all the fabulous animals on the ark, a bunch of gay dolphins, bisexual bivalves, and lesbian crabs survived—all sorts of queer crustaceans made it through OK.

So 40 days later when Noah finally finds dry land, he lets all of the LGB animals off the boat and God sends a rainbow through the sky as a sign of peace and welcome to all the gay, lesbian, and bisexual animals in the new, more perfect world. That’s why the rainbow is our symbol; well, one of the reasons anyway.

As for how the gay animals reproduced, go ask Adam and Eve’s children. Those kids were into some freaky, incest, flipper-baby shit.