Do You Know The Bible Story About How Noah Brought Queer Animals To The New World?

The city of Williamstown, Kentucky has just given a huge tax break to the Ark Encounter theme park, a religious-themed amusement park that will include an “actual size” replica of Noah’s Ark (300 by 50 cubits). And while we kinda don’t give a crap, we thought it’d be a good time to tell you the queer Bible story about the gay animals on Noah’s Ark and how God made the rainbow the ultimate queer symbol. Oh, and it’s 100% true. So grab some cookies and punch—Sunday school’s in session, suckas.

So, the second after God creates the world, Eve eats the apple, Cain kills Abel, and then their offspring begins murdering, fornicating, worshipping golden calves, and doing all sorts of stuff that really ties God’s tits into a knot. So She decides to drown everyone except for Noah, y’know because She and Noah are like this [fingers crossed].

Anyway, Noah’s building this insane ark and it starts raining hardcore. So now he’s gotta finish the ark and wrangle all the animals in the world AND figure out which ones are male and female AND set sail all before the wave pool starts. So you gotta figure the guy’s in a rush and it’s hard to tell the sexes of some animals when you’re under the gun (kittens for instance). So he accidentally pairs up some same-sex animal couples on the boat: a pair of lesbian seagulls, some gay flamingos… the camels were definitely humping. Some gay Zebra Finches. Oooh, and a honey badger.

Plus, there’s a bunch of other gay animals that survived the flood.

Now you might be thinking, “No, all the other animals drowned.” Umm… you can’t drown fish, genius. So along with all the fabulous animals on the ark, a bunch of gay dolphins, bisexual bivalves, and lesbian crabs survived—all sorts of queer crustaceans made it through OK.

So 40 days later when Noah finally finds dry land, he lets all of the LGB animals off the boat and God sends a rainbow through the sky as a sign of peace and welcome to all the gay, lesbian, and bisexual animals in the new, more perfect world. That’s why the rainbow is our symbol; well, one of the reasons anyway.

As for how the gay animals reproduced, go ask Adam and Eve’s children. Those kids were into some freaky, incest, flipper-baby shit.

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  • Dallas David

    Hmmm . . .
    They’re saying that when people get inside the ark, they’ll realize how much room there is, and understand how it was possibe to get enough food and water to last 14 months to feed 7 of each type of animal on the planet, including dinosaurs.

    Sure, 2 acres of floor space is a lot, but how many zoos are only 2 acres? And how many animals can you fit in 2 acres, along with food and water for over a full year?

    Of course, this is just a fable, like “Mother Goose.” It never happened. But Christian Fundamentalists need to believe that it did, or else that means nothing in the Bible is true, lol.

    So sad to see so many people waste their lives on fundamentalism.

  • Corina

    I kinda like the Ancient Aliens theory that the ark actually holds DNA samples of every living creature, so the alien overlords can repopulate planets or mix and match for genetic fun or something. Not saying I believe it, but the DNA concept does fit with the amount of space available onboard. I can’t really think of another way all those creatures could fit and not start a natural order food chain that turned half the animals into lunch for the others. I’m more of the opinion that biblical stories are fables, or at least subjective interpretations that skew facts towards the writer’s bias.

  • phallus

    So does that mean there is really no such thing as gay animals? Or do Gay Fundamentalists need to believe that there are or else that means nothing on this website is true, lol. It’s a fantasy article…. get a grip.

  • Codswallop

    I have to admit the Creation Museum is my favorite bit of Christian Right dipshittery. Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs? Fabulous! They really back themselves into a corner with this BS because the more you turn it into dioramas and scientific-sounding mumbo-jumbo the LESS sense it makes! I mean, it’s not like Noah could have just put 2 (or however many) salamanders on the ark because there are THOUSANDS of species of salamanders. The same thing goes for nearly every other type of animal. The only way to get out of that little bit of dead-end reasoning is to say these animals didn’t differentiate into species until AFTER they got off the ark, but OOPS!, they can’t say that because it would require EVOLUTION! This is a lovely example of “give them enough rope.” I look at the Creation Museum and see a noose.

    And don’t kid yourself, gays are a MAJOR factor in their insistence on Biblical Literalism. Once you admit that *maybe* Noah and the Ark or Jonah and the Whale aren’t literally true, that they’re just stories or parables, the “divine truth” of the whole thing is up for grabs. After that you can’t point to ANY of it, the proscription against homosexuality in Leviticus for example, and say “but THIS part here is absolutely true! God said so!” And it’s not like they’re really concerned about divorce, shellfish consumption, or mixed cloth; the only battle they’re really still fighting is over gays. We’re a big part of what drove them to this foolishness.

    Biblical Literalism is a defensive position and a rather poor one at that. Rather than have to deal with uncertainty in the world, having to think for themselves, they instead insist that ALL of it is 100% factual despite its absolute impossibility. And what do you end up with? Lot’s Wife Salt-Water Taffy and the Sodom Slip-And-Slide. What I really want to know is if they’ll have a David and Jonathon Tunnel Of Love. Hey, like they always say, IT’S IN THE BIBLE!!!!

  • Ron

    @phallus: No shit. It’s a fantasy article just like your Bronze Age goat herder book is a fantasy.

  • slanty

    Lies and slander. Adam and Eve’s kids were never into flipper or any other animal. That’s bestiality!

  • xander

    There’s no geological evidence that there was any global flood, but since the lovely story is in the bible the xtianists are obliged to believe that the world was underwater and Noah built his boat.

    Even many OT scholars consider it an allegory. Except for those literalists, of course!

  • The crustybastard

    If the flood story is true, that proves the Bible is false, as the “god tells a guy to build a huge boat to save his family and animals from a deluge brought on by the rest of humanity acting badly” story was originally Sumerian.

    If the flood story is true, Christians should be worshipping humanity’s savior Ea, not the false god Yahweh.

  • Jim Hlavac

    One of the funniest things I noticed in an extensive display of Noah’s Ark children’s play sets I saw once in Tyler, Texas, was that in nearly every set both the lions had manes, both the buffaloes had horns, both the deer had antlers — on and it went, one gay animal couple after the others. Rather hysterical.

    And of the fish which change sex? What of those marvels? Lots of sex-changing species floating around.

    Meanwhile, OK, Adam & Eve had two kids, Cain & Abel. Cain slays Abel. Um, where did everyone else come from prior to the flood? Did Cain and mom do the incest thing? It might appear likely, for Eve had Seth decades later, when Adam was very old and Viagra be not invented. Weirdly, Seth seems to have never gotten married, and was quite the momma’s boy, not leaving her side. Meanwhile, Cain went out and found a wife in a city called Enoch … hey, wait a minute! — if there were the four, then the three, then back up to four — who was in Enoch? Where did they come from?

    I asked a priest once of these things, he told me “Have faith my son.” I told him, “Yes, I do, I’m pretty sure there was a gay bar just inside the city gates of Enoch.” He did not like that bit of young theology, I assure you.

  • Ganondorf

    Darwin had two objectives in the origin of species. The first was that he wanted to show that all life descended from earlier life via heritable modification (that is, evolution–descent with modification). The second is that this process occurred through natural selection. He accumulated mountains of data to support the first thesis, but without the second, none of it would have mattered (it would have been a lot of data with no unifying coherence). The how was quite inconceivable. How are these organic machines so attuned to their environments, outstripping (to this day) the most ingenius human devices in their complexity and useful function? How minds, for example, could emerge through mindless algorithmic processes over the course of millions of years was as foreign to Darwin’s intellectual forefathers (and many of his contemporaries, and apparently, many ignorant grifting people today) as the innovation that will supplant the internet is to us. Moreso, as inconceivable as mass without motion (Locke’s famous argument for the primacy of mind before matter). So for those unburdened by an understanding of the mechanism by which all life came to be as it is, they may have had the desire to envision the universe without design, but no serious means of explaining how it could be that way. Natural selection satisfied that desire, and answers the last question that could seriously ground an intelligent creator. Creationism is dead. God is dead. Darwin eliminated god. Challenge after challenge, and biological evolution survives intact stronger than it’s ever been as our BEST understanding of reality. No intelligent and educated person can disagree legitimately with recourse to existence.

    The circumstance of the government subsidizing religious gibberish whose sole purpose for being is to circumvent and deny the truth is anathema to and in contradiction of the primary principles and impulses upon which our country was founded. The penalty for treason is still death, innit.

  • Orion

    @slanty: They sure as hell were into incest though. So deformity must have formed, and they were all stuuuupid.

  • sam

    Actually, you can “drown” fish and such :P If all the world flooded, salt and fresh water would mix, and salt in general would flood the planet along with the water.

    Almost all marine life would die, not to mention all the planets, and the proverbial “salting of the earth”….

    Yet another reason why the story is preposterous.

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