A reader has begged syndicated advice columnist Dear Diedre for help with an unusual plight: he’s still a virgin at 29 because he hates his own sexuality.
“Dear Diedre,” he writes. “After years of being in denial, I admitted to myself I was gay when I was 16. Thirteen years on, I am still a virgin because I hate myself for being gay. I’m now 29.”
“I was brought up Roman Catholic and I am a devoted Christian,” he further explains. “My faith has always been really important to me – it has defined who I am and how I live my life. I feel it’s wrong to have any type of sex outside marriage – and a mortal sin to have sex with another man. I have never told anyone I am gay. When I spot an attractive guy, or fantasize about him, I feel disgusted with myself.”
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“How can I reconcile these two conflicting parts of me – the gay part and the Catholic part?” he wonders. “This is tearing me apart. I feel like I’m living a lie and that I don’t fit in anywhere. I’m confused and depressed and sometimes I wonder if there’s any point carrying on. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, or to be celibate.”
The ever level-headed Diedre responded with a tender reply.
“Many people feel torn between their faith and their sexuality,” she notes. “Please make an appointment with your [general practitioner], as you do sound depressed. There is confidential support available, and nobody will judge you.”
Diedre then recommends the reader seek counseling with Switchboard LGBT +, a UK-based non-profit designed to help queer people find mental health counseling. That includes counseling for people struggling with sexuality because of their religious upbringing. The United States plays home to similar organizations, including The Trevor Project and The It Gets Better Project.
Research by The Trevor Project shows that at about 40% of LGBTQ youth contemplate suicide every year. Similar studies also show that suicide by queer adults over 65 makes up about 17% of all suicides in the United States every year. Research attributes these higher incidences of suicide to feelings of self-loathing, in part due to a religious upbringing.
ingyaom
First this guy had to accept that he was gay; now he has to realize that being gay is real and religion isn’t – problem solved.
Kangol2
Go to a predominantly Catholic country, like Italy, France, Spain, Brazil, Colombia, Mexico, the Philippines, or Portugal, just to name a few. Find a bathhouse full of Catholic, horny men. Allow yourself to experience your sexuality as fully as you can. Then remind yourself that Christ does not ever condemn gay people or same sex desire. It’s the Catholic Church’s hierarchy, full of closeted and DL bigots and pedophiles, as well as a small portion of right-wing Catholics, who are the issue and have created the conditions for you to hate yourself. You can have your faith and your sexuality, but you may have to learn to push back against that external homophobic hate that is eating you up inside.
Heywood Jablowme
Hmmm, a bathhouse full of horny Catholic guys? Hubba hubba. He may flip from “I’m still a virgin because I hate myself” to “I’m a SLUT because I hate myself!”
Kangol2
He may still hate himself but he will have gotten off many times over. And yes, in those countries, the men are VORACIOUS. Not sure about Catholic countries like Poland and Hungary but I’ve heard stories….
ZzBomb
Drop the bronze aged bs and the problem is solved. I seriously cannot fathom why people still follow these arcane and antiquated beliefs.
Donston
If it’s just about sex then there’s nothing to do but bite the bullet and seek sexual engagement. However, when it comes to legitimately getting passed self-loathing and internalized phobias, building same-sex bonds beyond sex is probably most important. Creating friendships or just decent acquaintances with unabashedly “queer”, unashamedly out guys might help create a foundation of self-comfort. There’s also understanding that you have the entire gender, sexual, affection, romantic, comfort, emotional investment, commitment spectrum to contend with if you’re looking for a legit relationship. So, just finding a way to “do it” with a guy isn’t really going to fix it all. You also have to be willing to stand up to external homophobia or battle future onslaughts of internalized homophobia or gay insecurities or self-misandry if you eventually experience degrees of fluidity or mental health struggles.
Ultimately, how one associates with their religion and their beliefs is their own thing and journey. There really isn’t a perfect answer.
Kangol2
I didn’t recommend a psychologist though I think one could really help this person, but also, joining a gay Catholic group–they exist–might also help. There are many progressive practicing Roman Catholics in the US (and other countries), so he would probably benefit from spending time and dialoguing with some of them. They might help him to work through his paralyzing fears about sex and so much else.
Donston
The Catholic group thing might be a good idea. But that’s probably more difficult to find outside of big cities. It seems like more of an internet/forum/group chat thing. While as long as you can afford it and can find a responsible psychologist, most of us could use some therapy.
He seems to want to be in a commitment bad. But that’s not the best idea if you haven’t confronted traumas, potential mental health struggles, internalized phobias, gay resentments.
iminheatlikeacat
“The Catholic group thing might be a good idea. But that’s probably more difficult to find outside of big cities.”
He’s in the UK – even if he lived in Northern Ireland he could drive to London and back in a day, or could fly there in under two hours – and it would probably work out cheaper too. If he is from Northern Ireland and a practicing strict RC he won’t be able to get over the no sex before marriage thing but unless he does, he might die a virgin. I feel sorry for him.
Fahd
I do hope the guy here does seek counseling to help him find the courage to take the steps necessary to address his internal conflict.
When I read this, I thought of the only out player currently playing in the NFL, Carl Nassib, who went to Catholic school.
Not only has Nassib come out while playing for the Las Vegas Raiders, but he’s also pledged $100K to the Trevor Project.
He recently released photos of his boyfriend.
More examples of people for whom things have turned out all right would help Deidre’s correspondent and others.
JessPH
Thankfully, even if I grew up in a Catholic household and went to two Catholic schools, I possess enough brain cells to be skeptical about the things I was indoctrinated too. And now I enjoy gay sex without any Catholic guilt.
gaym50ish
How do you reconcile these two things? You DON’T! Dump the church, as it’s all a fantasy trip anyway, and enjoy this life while you can. There won’t be another one!
stanhope
He needs competent, non judgmental counseling before he does anything. To dive right in might sound cute but it could have devastating consequences.