Hi Jake,
I’ve been dealing with anxiety and depression for a long time, and after years of resisting, I finally decided to see a psychiatrist for the first time. Let’s just say, the first visit was… weird.
When I got to the office, I immediately picked up on a strange vibe. The doctor seemed sort of frenetic, and I felt a bit of predator energy. He knew I was gay from my intake paperwork, and I assumed he was gay too because he said he specialized in working with the gay population on his website.
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He informed me that the first session was going to be a lot of assessment, which I understood, but the questioning became really strange. First, he asked about my physical appearance and sexual health, which seemed more like something that happens at a primary care visit, not a psychiatrist. He wanted to know my weight and height, and asked about my sexual history.
Then he started asking me how many times I get up in the night to pee. He asked if I sometimes can’t hold it, and wanted to know what I do in those situations. He even asked if I’ve ever worn a diaper! It was totally out of the blue.
I joked that the only experience I’ve had with diapers was that my grandfather had to wear one, and he started asking me all sorts of questions about that, including if I’ve ever changed the diaper myself. (For the record: I haven’t!)
I managed to stay through the end of the session, but I’ve never been so creeped out in my life after a medical appointment. Am I overreacting, or was this as inappropriate as it felt?
Not on Diaper Duty
Dear Not on Diaper Duty,
Just like a dirty diaper, it sounds like your healthcare team needs immediate changing.
A doctor’s office is a place you’re meant to feel safe and contained, not uncomfortable and disturbed. It’s an unfortunate reality that not every professional with a license should have one, and some odd ducks slip through the cracks.
Your experience sounds not only bizarre, but highly inappropriate. Although the protocol for in intake is different at every office, I get the sense this doctor might have been asking inappropriate questions of a sexual nature in order to engage his own fantasies about you, rather than containing any attraction towards you with appropriate boundaries.
That said, it’s never okay to engage in these desires in a professional setting, much less a healthcare office. Crossing boundaries to sexually objectify a client is not only unethical, it’s illegal. And, like you said, creepy!
What I’m most sad about in this situation is that you finally made the difficult decision to get help for your depression and anxiety, and instead of finding treatment and relief, your symptoms were probably exacerbated. I encourage you to not give up, and don’t let this impede your journey towards wellness. I assure you that most professionals out there are just that, professional, and truly want to help.
It’s not worth spending any more time, money, or energy at this particular office. I’d forgo a second session, and instead get a trusted referral from a friend or primary care doctor (you could also reach out to a reputable LGBTQ+ therapy service for some ideas).
You might even want to think about whether or not a license governing board should be aware of your experience, in case a formal report might help save other patients from experiencing something like you did.
I’m sorry that you had such a disheartening experience after finally reaching out for help. Sadly, when you sense something creepy about someone, it’s most likely accurate, and it’s a good idea to listen to those intuitions.
I’m glad you made it through the session, but now, it’s time to break out the baby wipes and start fresh.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
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Rambeaux
No ifs, ands or buts, this guy is a predator and you were the prey.
Report him immediately to the State Medical Board or to the equivalent, if you do not live in the U.S.
These predatory therapists exist! I have been there with a creep like this.
Obviously, never go and see him again.
And I do not appreciate the author’s flippant last sentence.
This subject IS NOT FUNNY!
Louis
I do not feel the article provides us with enough information to know.
The opening says the patient suffers with anxiety and depression.
Asking questions about the sexual history could be to identify any instances of trauma such as sexual assault that might contribute to either anxiety or depression.
Sleep (or lack therefore) can be attributed to anxiety or depression and so asking how well the patient sleeps (including frequency of waking for toilet visits) could be to determine whether erratic/poor sleep management is a contributing factor.
Asking about a patient’s family is also very common in therapy and so asking about whether the patient had ever changed the diapers of his grandfather could be to determine whether the patient ever felt more like a carer than a relative, and/or whether said experience made him feel he missed out on any socialising due to caring for an elderly relative. The feeling of missing out can contribute to anxiety and depression.
Of course it COULD be that the therapist was a right creep, it’s certainly possible. But I don’t feel we have enough from the article to conclude that.
Regardless, however, feeling comfortable with a doctor is important, so whether patient has misread the situation and the doctor was genuinely trying to identify factors that might contribute to the anxiety and depression OR whether patient read it right and therapist was a creep, simply feeling uncomfortable around the doctor is grounds to get a new one.
Openminded
Louis, you are way more understanding than I am. Yes, your points of sleep deficit, family history, etc. are all important questions, but this quacks questions were way off point to find out that information. A straight forward “are you sleeping well thru the night” is a much better way to determine if lack of sleep is the issue. If not for the doctor claiming to be “specialized in helping gay patients”, I would have expected that this was the doctor’s method to drive off gay patients without triggering any illegal/unethical alarms. This appears to be a case of a quack doctor that needs therapy more than his patients do. For the sake of future potential patients, I’d say turn the doctor in and prevent him from harming others with his quackery.
bachy
Of all the professions, you’ll probably meet the most nutjobs among psychotherapists. I discovered how crazy they can be when I got to know a few socially (as a non-patient).
When seeking a new therapist, always try to meet with them first for an interview. It can be traumatizing to realize your therapist is crazy when you are a patient in a vulnerable state.
Magnus1999
Unless there was some sort of segue on your part that steered the conversation toward diapers, there would be no reason for this line of conversation. It is completely unprofessional for a doctor to bring up random personal fetishes or previous conversations this he has on his mind. This is your dime and your time, and it’s a complete waste of time to bother with this therapist again.