Horny Soldiers Stationed In Afghanistan Using Craigslist For Gay Hookups On Base

Soldiers have been getting it on with each other since the days of Alexander the Great, but with the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell, one would assume U.S. service members can service each other as much as they want, right?

Well, turns out, under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, soldiers are forbidden from having sex with anyone other than their spouse while deployed to a combat zone. But that’s not stopping some soldiers from seeking their jollies through that time-honored method of anonymous hooking-up: Craigslist.

A hard-hitting exposé in the Daily Mail — originally reported by the Marine Corps Times — reveals that soldiers are posting “explicit photos” of their genitals and even “sex acts” on the Iraq Craigslist page — “a holdover from a time when hundreds of thousands of Americans were stationed throughout Iraq” — under the casual encounters section. [Ed. note: use responsibly, children]

“Dozens” of posts go up daily featuring soldiers seeking “workout buddies”, “NSA fun” or some good ole-fashioned “sucking and balls-deep fucking.” One poster, noting the site’s appearance on the Daily Mail, hoped that the story “doesn’t fuck it up or invite creeps.” Too late! — we’ve already invaded.

While rule breakers won’t be kicked out of the service, they still face strict penalties. One Marine lance corporal tells the Daily Mail of being caught and arrested trying to hookup with a male undercover Naval Criminal Investigation Service officer. He was demoted down to private first class, docked $1600 in pay, received 45 extra days of duty and 45 days of restriction.

What is this, Baton Rouge? Officers entrapping sexed-up service members? Isn’t there a war or something going on? And considering the danger these brave and incredibly horny men face each day, what’s wrong with getting an innocent beej from a fellow soldier? Hell, it beats getting a prostitute and subsequently, chlamydia.

“When detached from home, without the ability to openly exercise relationships in a combat environment and with a fatalistic attitude, military members would be inclined to embrace risk-taking,” explained retired Army psychiatrist, Col. Dr. Elspeth Cameron Ritchie. “These young men have high testosterone and, with the inability to quietly have a relationship, it is not surprising that they are willing to put themselves into that situation.”

Mmm, all those mens and all that testosterone and all that camo just asking and telling one another, waiting for a release — it’s enough to make a gurl enlist in the armed forces. Who do we have to see about getting a thoroughly invasive medical exam? We’re talking balls deep.