Hi Jake,
I’m usually not the “jealous hubby” type, so rarely do I go into my husband’s phone, ask to see his browser history, or do any of those invasive things untrusting couples do. That said, a week ago I stumbled across something I can’t unsee.
My husband left his phone in my office when I was on a work call and when it started making all of these annoying loud chimes I went over to mute it. When I looked at the home screen, I saw that the chimes were notifications coming in for a social media profile I had never seen before. The profile handle was sexual in nature and when I dug deeper (yes, I have my ways), I realized pretty quickly that it was in fact a secret account he had created. Even though the account doesn’t have any posts on the feed (only a profile photo of my husband’s torso), I’m pretty alarmed at what he’s been up to.
It turns out that he’s been using the account to anonymously comment on various friends’ of ours photos and posts, especially those that are thirst traps or sexier in nature. I mean, I knew he had crushes on some of our friends and mutual acquaintances, but these comments are really forward and borderline perverted. He literally commented on how “juicy” the bulge looks in the Speedo our friend is wearing and described how he wanted to nuzzle his face between the buttocks of another friend. A few of the conversations even made their way into his DMs.
It’s especially shocking to me because it’s really out of character for him, as he’s normally so reserved and quiet in our friend group. I can’t decide how to handle this, because I don’t think he’s physically cheating on me or anything. I think he just has this sex-crazed online alter-ego.
What should I do???
Startled Seeker
Dear Startled Seeker,
There’s an old saying that goes, “Those who seek shall find.”
If we choose to uncover more about someone’s private life, we have to be prepared for what might be revealed. Even our own partner may have secrets, and in your case, your very own Clark Kent seems to be harboring an incognito superpower capable of sexually objectifying a guy in 30-seconds or less.
Once the initial shock of your discovery wears off, you’ll want to do some self-examination about what your feelings are around what your husband is up to. If you think it’s weird, but it’s really not bothering you or affecting how you feel about him, you may decide to let it go–and think twice the next time you go digging!
On the other hand, you may feel anger, embarrassment, or even disgust about what he’s doing, and that’s going to affect your relationship, no matter how much you try to compartmentalize it. If this is the case, you’ll need to talk to him about what you found.
Yes, that includes owning up to your breach of his privacy, which is a whole separate issue you’ll need to unpack, but you’ll also be making space for your feelings about his behaviors, and how his secret online life is affecting you.
Are you feeling jealousy or betrayal that he’s lusting after other people, or are you simply uncomfortable because these are your mutual friends, and it feels like a boundary crossing? Does it make you feel uneasy to now be left holding his dirty little secret from your acquaintances?
The important thing here is to communicate your thoughts and feelings, while also trying not to shame your husband for his actions. Clearly, there’s some part of himself that gets off on what he’s doing, and that may not be his fault. Perhaps he grew up with a lot of repression and guilt about his sexuality, and this is the way that he expresses the hidden parts of himself. By making a safe, non-judgmental space for him to talk about his secret, you might begin understand his motivations, which can foster intimacy in your relationship.
At the end of the day, if you both feel seen and heard, you can respectfully negotiate how to move forward. If it’s important for you that he close down the secret account, express that. Perhaps there’s even some way to allow him his little perversions without hiding them from you. After all, didn’t you kiiiind of have the same thought about that Speedo pic? 🙂
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
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RIGay
Well, as the old saying goes, “Just because I’m on a diet doesn’t mean I cant’ look at the menu!”
My husband and I just celebrated our 25th year together. 10 of them married. We met while shoving dollars down a male strippers G-string down in Tampa Bay, so that was the bar that was set. Thought we wanted an open relationship at first, but the wandering eye never clicked for us, and we have been in a monogamous relationship from the get go.
Now… that said, sex has waned in recent years. But we respect that he likes his Colt videos, I like my collection of similar go-to inspirational materials.
But over the 25 years, we communicated. That is the key. There have been no surprises.
Kangol2
Great response!
FreddieW
If he isn’t messing around with them, don’t worry about it. Your friends are posting thirst traps. What kind of response do you think they’re after? Sounds like a weird situation, but you can’t hold a male accountable for being easily aroused. You can and should, however, hold him accountable if he actually cheats on you.
bachy
I’ve long believed that some people are naturally monogamous, while others are naturally promiscuous. I suspect it’s similar to left/right handedness or having brown or blue eyes.
If seeking a monogamous relationship, make sure you find someone who quite naturally becomes sexually focused on their partner, and loses interest in others.
If seeking an open relationship, make sure you find someone who quite naturally enjoys multiple partners and doesn’t feel jealous when you do the same.
Fahd
This could just be the tip of the iceberg. As Corinna Larsen said about King Juan Carlos I, some men lead double lives, but he was not faithful to anyone, not even me, he was leading multiple lives, and in the end I did not want to be part of a harem.
There could be other phones/accounts that are less obvious to you and that he is working harder to conceal from you. He’s engaged in some form of escapism, so what is he trying to escape from…it might not be you.
Once trust is broken, it is very difficult to restore.
Or, you can keep on your rose-colored glasses and live with the possibility that his activities that you didn´t/don´t know about could be more extensive than you know.
Maybe your relationship can evolve into being really close friends, the way Corinna’s and Juan Carlos’ did (sorry bad example, after some time as good friends the whole thing ended in disaster).
radiooutmike
Startled Seeker should listen to Dan Savage more.
So, the OP’s spouse has an alter-ego where he comments on friend’s thirst-traps? The OP states in his question, that this is out of character for him. Maybe it actually isn’t? Maybe he is just uncomfortable commenting because people merely think he’s not that way to begin with.
It sounds like the OP really does not know his husband at all. Can people also stop with this, “I’m not one to snoop” alibi? The OP says he has his his ways, so he broke into his husband’s phone?
North Of Boston
I think it’s sad that the advice columnist doesn’t address the issue of how a ‘secret’ social media account and the spouse using it to ‘flirt’ with people they both know is a breach of trust in general. The whole tone of the response seems to be finger pointing at the person who asked the question. Yes, they ‘snooped’ and yes, they ‘got what they asked for’….but why is there not a mention of accountability for the spouse betraying trust in the marriage?
I am a mid-50s gay man. I was with someone for 18 years….married for 12 of them. We never had any ‘agreement’ that there was flexibility in monogamy in our relationship. Nor did we ever have a discussion that their wasn’t. But that being the type of relationship and marriage I wanted was ‘known’. It was not, however, the case.
I think in this day and age there certainly are many differences in ‘dating’ and ‘relationships’ than existed when I first met my ex. But I also think that there has been a shift to just ‘expect’ that monogamy is off the table in most relationships between two men, and that if a person who desires monogamy isn’t getting that and finds out….well, it’s his fault because is 2023 he should know better than to expect it. I disagree.
I knew for years my ex was not monogamous, but by that point we were only still together, for me, out of ‘necessity’ and I no longer cared who he was with because we were no longer intimate. And that’s why, for me – because I knew he was not monogamous, and I saw no future to the marriage and knew it would end when it could be ended – that whoever he was sleeping with at that point didn’t matter to me. He knew this, too, that it was over, yet his sleeping with others began long before we hit hard times in the marriage.
I think if two people develop something more ‘serious’ than either casual hook-ups with each other, or simply ‘dating’ but not necessarily being exclusive – then there should be a conversation between them, and honesty given and received about whether they will commit to a monogamous relationship or not. I think it would save many people a lot of heartache. Certainly ‘open relationships’ are far more common these days but there are some people who still believe in monogamy.
joeSF
I agree with you 100%.
maxdadmark
I could have written your response. When I kicked this jerk out of my house after 17 years, I felt a huge sense of relief. (This all happened more than 13 years ago. Earlier this summer, I caught him parked outside “our” house, before he quickly sped off.)
joeSF
If someone creates a secret account to call a friends bulge “juicy” they know it’s not okay and it’s a breach of trust, otherwise he would have been open about it. That’s what we are dealing with. Let’s not distract by blaming the person finding this information out, regardless of how they found out.
winemaker
Why people put up with this kind of BS is well beyond me. if you’re in a committed adult realtionship this is not ok and a breach of trust and trust is something that may never be restored. People who waste valuable time with cheaters in hope theyll change are playing a fools game. When you guys got together and had been together for some time and were living together as a couple, did you have a serious discussion about being monogamous and were you both on the same page? If so and you agreed not to see anyone else, this a definite breach of trust. These are important questions that should have been asked when things got serious ( if this is a serious realtionship and not just friends with benefits or something casual ). If there was a misunderstanding, it’s time to bring this out in the open and decide what you want to do moving forward. Open realtionships only work for some people and only when both parties are on the same page so there’s no misunderstanding. So called open realtionships fail when only one party agrees. Everyone has their tolerances for things like this but in the long run, if this isn’t something you’ll agree to and tolerate, don’t waste valuable time with someone you can’t trust. If he’s playing around, better get yourself tested for STI’s, pronto! Be wise moving forward.
Louis
I’m assuming that the friends perhaps don’t even know that the account belonging to the partner is theirs, otherwise you’d assume at least one slip up in company; “Hey Andy, you really seemed to enjoy that speedo pic I put up yesterday”.
So perhaps the guy enjoys the sight of scantily clad men (most of us do) and wants to comment on them anonymously without the awkwardness of his partner or friends knowing.
Definitely something to raise and discuss with him though.