I hooked up with this guy twice & he doesn’t remember me. Should I be offended?

Hi Jake,

Last fall, I hooked up with this guy from the bar. We were both a little tipsy and he invited me back to his place. We had a good time, although we didn’t exchange numbers or anything afterwards.

Then a couple weeks ago, we ran into each other again on the apps. I immediately knew we had met before so I invited him over to my place. Again, it was a fun time, but both us didn’t really initiate keeping in contact.

How about we take this to the next level?

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Well, last weekend I ran into him again at the same bar as before. But what’s weird is when I’d look over at him, he would sort of glance at me and then look away as if he had no idea who I was. I kept trying to get his attention, but he wouldn’t acknowledge me.

Finally, I walked over and said “hi.” He looked at me like he’d never seen me before in his life. Then he put his hand out to introduce himself! I was kind of like “Um, we’ve met before”, and he said, “Oh! We have?”

He had no idea that we had sex not once, but twice! When I reminded him, he sort of mumbled an uncomfortable apology and then slinked away. It was awkward and a little bit humiliating.

I know it was just a casual thing, but should I be offended that someone didn’t even remember me after hooking up multiple times? It’s making me question if maybe I’m a bad lay!

Am I really that forgettable?

Mr. Cellophane

Dear Mr. Cellophane,

It’s one thing when someone forgets your name, but blanking out everything else about you after literally bearing everything is downright rude! But don’t fret, this situation says more about your former fling than it does about you.

For some guys, sex is just about getting off, and it’s all about the pleasure in the moment, without much consideration for what comes next. It’s often the anonymity of a hookup that makes it hot for them, and when they know too much about a person, it can take away from the fantasy.

Does that mean they should be so focussed on the right here and now that they don’t even register who they’re with, wiping away all acknowledgement of their partner’s existence as they walk out the front door? Probably not.

There’s nothing wrong with a one (or two!) night stand, but it’s common courtesy to acknowledge that the body you enjoyed is an actual real-life human being. If someone doesn’t remember you, it’s essentially feels like they are being dismissive.

It’s important, however, to not make this about yourself. For whatever reason, this guy is either not present enough in his life to register the people in it, or so threatened by the thought of intimacy that he just shuts down when it happens.

Without knowing more about Mr. Forgetful, we’ll never know for sure what happens for him internally when it comes to interpersonal relationships (and probably isn’t worth talking to him about).

Does he block out people in all areas of his life, as a result of being shut down around intimacy? Or, maybe it’s only around sex, and has something to do with shame (or even internalized homophobia) that he carries around?

If you think about it, it’s actually kind of sad, as he probably struggles forging deeper connections in his life. Poor guy.

Regardless, this is his stuff to work on, not yours. Rather than doubting yourself, forget about the situation and move on to where you are seen, appreciated, and remembered. You’re worthy of that.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.