I’m 95% sure I saw my boyfriend on Sniffies. Should I confront him?

Hi Jake,

So, I was on Sniffies recently and I’m pretty sure I saw something I was NOT expecting.

I tend to go on several times a day throughout the day, just to kind of distract myself when I’m bored or need a break from work. But yesterday I am 95% sure I recognized my boyfriend’s… um… private part.

We don’t live together and the GPS said the account was right near where he goes to the gym. But the biggest giveaway was that he has a pretty recognizable package, which I am more than a bit familiar with after six months of dating.

But now I REALLY don’t know what to do. If I question him about it, I might be wrong. And not only that, he’ll know that I’ve been on the site, too. We haven’t really fully discussed being monogamous yet, but it’s sort of implied, since we’ve been together a few months. What should I do? I’ve gone back online several times since my surprising sighting, but the profile seems to be gone now.

Shocked on Sniffies

Dear Shocked on Sniffies,

Recognizing your boyfriend’s package in a sea of constantly shuffling man-bubbles would be next to impossible, so chances are either you’re amazingly keen-sighted, or it likely wasn’t him at all.

Either way, what’s apparent is there is some suspicion about what your boyfriend is up to. It happens more often than not that two sexually active gay men in a relationship are up to similar things, but neither feels they can admit that to the other person.

Let’s face it, men are horny! And one of the great things about being gay is we often get to indulge in that part of ourselves without the restrictions of repressive, heteronormative rules around relationships (unless we choose them).

In your current situation, it seems like there hasn’t yet been an actual conversation about exclusivity, so neither of you are in the “wrong” for being on a hook-up site (assuming that was really him). Therefore, I’d like to think that maybe a “conversation” could be warranted here, rather than a “confrontation.”

Often times, even though both parties in a couple are wanting to have fun outside the relationship, we fall prey to norms that it’s somehow “bad” to reveal this to our partner. We may think that our boyfriend is going to be jealous and hurt that we are somehow choosing others over them, when this is not the case.

Just because you want to have sex with multiple people doesn’t mean you aren’t still completely fulfilled both physically and emotionally by your primary partner. After all, you’re probably not going home and cuddling to Housewives with your Sniffies hookup as you are with your boyfriend.

In other situations, we may have too much shame and self-judgment around being sexually promiscuous to reveal this side of ourselves to our partner.

Growing up in our society, we often absorb a lot of “sex-negative” messages, including that hooking up with multiple people and fully expressing ourselves sexually is somehow “dirty” or embarrassing. We feel the need to hide that from our significant other to avoid their judgment, when in fact they may be having the same kinds of feelings.

Whether or not it was your boyfriend you saw or not, this situation illuminates the need for some real communication in your relationship about where things stand, and what the agreements are in your relationship. Clearly there was a reason you were on Sniffies to begin with, and that’s okay as long as it’s not something shrouded in dishonesty and secrecy. Talking about this stuff can actually increase intimacy between you, as you are revealing even deeper parts of yourselves to one another.

At the end of the day, it’s always better to put everything out there, to build a foundation of trust. If jealousies and insecurities arise, you can work through them. It may feel daunting, but somehow I think scrutinizing and examining every online penis that comes your way can’t be any less so.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty columnist and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.