Hi Jake,
I’m 43 and I’m dating someone who’s 23. I’ve never been with someone this much younger than me before, but we have a lot of fun together and a true connection. Even though there might be an occasional reference one of us mentions that the other has no clue about (how has he never heard of Punky Brewster???), for the most part, we have so many similar interests and hobbies. Plus, we’re always making each other laugh!
There’s just one awkward component to the whole thing: his parents. He still lives at home and every time I go over there I feel really uncomfortable when his mom, who is only a few years older than me, answers the door. Don’t get me wrong, she’s super nice and we get along well (it helps that we could’ve been in high school together!), but it’s weird!
How about we take this to the next level?
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I want to explore the relationship and see where it goes, but he’s not in a position to live on his own, and we’re nowhere near ready to consider moving in together. Even if we just hang out at my place, or out on the town, I’ll still have to drop him home occasionally, and just knowing that he’s still beholden to his parents makes me wonder if our age difference is a bigger deal than I thought.
Should I get out now?
Cradle Robber
Dear Cradle Robber,
When picking up your Prince Charming for a date, you probably did want to envision having to charm the parentals first, before he can come out to play.
In-laws can be stressful, especially if you’re close in age with them. That said, the awkwardness that you’re feeling may have less to do with your boyfriend’s living situation itself, and more to do with the meaning you’re ascribing to it, which can throw things into question.
If a relationship is true and strong, you can overcome all sorts of hurdles, even an ever-present mother monitoring all comings-and-goings. When the chemistry is there, couples can surmount things like long-distance, kids from a previous marriages, differences in HIV status, and a multiple of other factors that are really more about logistics than anything else.
Sure, navigating an age difference can be difficult. You might have no clue about your boyfriend’s latest TikTok obsession, and he may never understand a world before cell phones. On the other hand, you both get to expose each other to new ideas, and share in things that are meaningful to you, which can only deepen your connection.
At the end of the day, if you’re feeling content in your relationship when it’s just the two of you, sans the parents, then maybe the age difference isn’t that big a deal.
It might be that you’re unconsciously imposing a judgment on your relationship about what it means that your boyfriend is “so young that he still lives at home”, which has you questioning if this will work.
After all, there’s a lot of societal pressure to shame age-discordant couples (athough that may be changing). Some view the older one as a “sugar daddy”, or assume the younger one simply has “daddy issues”, when that may not be the case. Others feel like the older one is somehow “taking advantage” of the younger beau, even though he’s a fully formed adult capable of making his own decisions.
Don’t let these things seep in and affect how you feel about your own situation. Instead, try to let go of any self-imposed judgments and enjoy the relationship for what it is. How it feels to you both is more important than what society says about the age gaps between partners.
There’s many reasons that younger people still live at home (have you seen the housing prices in this country?!?), and it doesn’t necessarily say anything about where they are in their maturity.
Talk to your boyfriend about the situation, and what his feelings are about it. You may find he’s just as eager as you are for him to fly the coop, and this is just a temporary situation.
In the meantime, maybe your unconventional relationship can have its perks. Having a mother-in-law that’s almost your age could be fun? At the very least, it’s someone to talk to about your favorite episodes of Punky Brewster.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
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Chrisk
The age difference isn’t that big of a deal unless they’re a creeper. Him living with his parents would be a no go for me unless he was helping them pay their bills. I left home at 19 so I guess I just don’t get it.
Al
I was 19 years younger than my husband. He, too, had reservations about my age. I told him, “It’s not the age. It’s the maturity level”. We were together for 31 years
FreddieW
It’s a great feeling being intimate with someone who grew up on the same planet that you did. I guess in your early 40’s, when you’re at a physical and mental peak, it may not seem so important. But as you grow older, it might.
AndyManX85
Lots of people live with their parents (or in some cases like mine, their parent(s) live with them.) I take care of my disabled mom so she lives with me. But I pay all the bills so it really is my apartment. But people look down on me for it. I love my mom but don’t love lher living with me, but it isn’t like I’m going to put her in a home OR that I could afford one.
On top of that, rent is outrageous everywhere. It is impossible to afford an apartment by yourself unless you are working yourself to death and even then you may have to have multiple jobs. Most people have roommates, many of whom they have never even met before moving in with. Why is that preferable than living with family?
Next I do want to mention that in many cultures it is completely normally and acceptable to live with family (or have them live with you.) Often there will be multiple generations of families under one roof with grandparents, parents, and kids (possibly even the spouse of the “kid” or their own children.
In my opinion this is yet another stigma that the US needs to get over.
barryaksarben
MY mom needed. in house help so. I took an early retirement to be her caregiver. My sister and her. pro ball husband paid all her bills but I paid rent and. took care of everything. I met my husband at this time and he was about 12 years older and after we dated awhile I invited him to come spend the weekend and my mom LOVED him and. he loved her. She beat her cancer and so I moved with my husband until her cancer came back 5 years later. I then moved back with her and he was there all the time but he came down with cancer also, I lost both within a year and IT was hard but. I got so close to both of them it was an incredible experience
quantum
Also thinking of several friends from various other countries who couldn’t imagine why anyone would leave the family home unless they were getting married or otherwise had to.
Not only everything you mention above, but I’m thinking of all the people I knew in their twenties whose parents paid their rent. Or whose parents straight-up bought a house for their kid to live in. Or the many wealthy people on House Hunters.
And to top all that off, the concept of the gay child being left to care for their parents is so common as to be a stereotype. If anything, I would say if at 23 he’s comfortable and confidant inviting his much older boyfriend over to the family home, he’s way more self-assured than many young people.
bachy
The situation described in Cradle Robber’s letter is of a young man who has never been on his own. His primary relationship is as a child to his parents. I’ve found that people that young, who still live with their parents, haven’t really been tested in the arena of adult relationships involving mutual responsibility and accountability. Their whole model for relating is parent/child. Understanding and navigating adult/adult relationships is a whole other level.
I hope Cradle Robber is OK to take over raising his 23 y/o friend. I was once in a similar situation and it made me realize why I didn’t have kids of my own. It’s because raising them can be a real drag.
CatholicXXX
Just keep the relationship open. You don’t want him to miss out on all the fun he could be having exploring others.
LAGuy
I dont think it’s that uncommon for a 23yo person to be living with their parents still. Many have just finished college or maybe a masters. Legally you can stay on your parents health insurance until 26. And with the absurd cost of living…it’s really difficult to rent an apt that requires 3.5x your salary. Many entry-level jobs just dont pay that much. Hopefully he’s independent enough to have goals for his own place and upward mobility in the workplace. What would be great is if that 23yo is saving every cent so he can have a nice downpayment for a small house of his own in 3-4 years. He’d be a step above many people then.
inbama
A 43 year old’s libido is no match for a 23 year old. If you’re thinking of a long-term monogamous relationship, you will have to keep him drained – even if you’re not getting off yourself.
Jim
The issue is him living at home. At 23 it’s not that unusual but look at his plans to move out on his own.
And embrace Mom
Invader7
Be careful. Watch out for red flags. If the parents undermine your relationship move him out of their house and into place for you two or end the relationship.