My BFF is getting serious with a shady new guy. Should I try to talk some sense into him?

Hi Jake,

I have a yucky feeling about the new man in my best friend’s life. They met on the apps (no shame), and within a month they were calling each other their “boyfriend” and telling each other “I love you.” Three months later, they have “commitment rings” and are talking about moving in together. It’s insane.

The guy just gives me such bad vibes. He was previously married but divorced his husband about two years ago. Since then he’s been living with his sister, rent-free. He works random part-time jobs, but never seems to have any money, so my friend always pays for everything. On top of that, he seems to have this weird hold over him. He never lets him do anything alone. They always have to be together.

How about we take this to the next level?

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I really want to pull my friend aside and tell him I’m worried about this relationship, but his boyfriend makes it impossible because he’s always hovering. Plus, I don’t know if my friend is really in a space where he’d be open to hearing what I have to say. It’s like he’s under a spell or something. THIS GUY IS BAD NEWS! What should I do?

Bothered Bestie

Dear Bothered Bestie,

It’s always difficult when a best friend starts to get serious with a romantic partner. There’s bound to be a shift in the dynamic, and it can feel painful to lose the friendship as it used to be. That said, it’s even harder when you are uncomfortable with the new guy they are seeing.

It says a lot that you are feeling worried, because it means you truly care about your bestie. Often times, if we get an icky feeling, it’s our intuition raising red flags, so I don’t fault you for wanting to interfere.

Some people fall hard and fast into a relationship, as it can feel really intoxicating. The danger, however, is that this feeling may blind them from seeing potential warning signs.

As for Mr. Bad News, a lot of people have reasons for getting a divorce, and even hit financial struggles during hard times. What worries me more is the controlling nature you’ve observed. If his new man doesn’t allow him to see his other friends, or do things alone, that’s worrisome. Control is a form of emotional abuse, and that kind of power dynamic is toxic in a relationship.

Now, here’s the tough part. In these type of situations, there’s only so much you can do. As an adult, it’s up to your friend to decide what’s best for himself. Until he gains more awareness, or feels that he deserves better, he may not seek change.

That doesn’t mean you have to sit back and watch the house burn down to embers in silence, however.

Even if opportunities are rare, I would look for a moment when you can talk to your friend alone. Usually, there’s at least some reprieve, as it’s almost impossible for two people to be together every single second.

If you find that window, it’s perfectly okay to express your concern. You’ll want to tread lightly, however, as he seems to be in caught up in the heat of this relationship, and may get defensive.

Saying, “I’m here for you if you should ever want to talk” is going to land better than “You really need to dump this jerk. He’s a creep!” The latter will only make him shut you out if he’s not ready to hear it.

Try to communicate that you’re a safe person to talk to, so he knows where to turn when he’s ready. You can certainly be curious, and ask questions in the hopes of planting seeds, as long as they don’t come from a place of judgment.

When we see loved ones in situations that don’t seem healthy, our first inclination is often to save them. Unfortunately, it’s usually up to them to face the consequences, learn from their mistakes, and ultimately save themselves.

There’s always a chance that your perception is off, or that things will change. Regardless, you’ll need to have patience as your friend finds his way.

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.