Hi Jake,
My husband and I just celebrated 15 years together. It’s super crazy, because we’re both only 35! We met when we were in college, and formed a really solid connection that has persevered all these years. A few years ago, we got married, as a way to demonstrate our commitment even further. We’ve built a comfortable life together, share the same values and interests, absolutely love our two dogs, and consider each other our best friends.
There’s just one thing…
How about we take this to the next level?
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We don’t have sex.
Like, ever.
I honestly can’t remember the last time, but it has to have been close to a year or more. I still find him handsome and often admire him throughout the day, but I don’t feel that burning hot passion I once felt and, clearly, he doesn’t either. We’ve been open for quite a while, so it’s not like we aren’t getting any action ever. We are! Just not with each other.
I guess my concern is that if we allow ourselves to continue down this path, is our relationship doomed? I’m scared I’m going to wake up in another 15 years and realize I’m married to my roommate.
Friend with (No) Benefits
Dear Friend with (No) Benefits,
First things first, I want to congratulate you on what sounds like a solid, strong, and beautiful connection that has stayed meaningful and important over the years, despite carving out non-traditional ways to get your needs met. It sounds like you’ve achieved not only longevity, but have also nurtured a deep and fulfilling partnership with one another, which sounds much more than being “friends” or “roommates.”
Relationships do not have to look a certain way. There are all sorts of dynamics, arrangements, and written or unwritten agreements to choose from, and ultimately it’s up to each couple (or throuple!) to figure out what works best for them.
When you’ve been with someone for a very long time (BTW 15 years is practically an eternity in gay years!), it’s only natural for the sexual attraction between parties to evolve and change. Humans are wired for novelty, so it’s not exactly shocking that you aren’t jumping each other’s bones with the same voracity you did when you were college buds. Fortunately, if you look outside the confines of heteronormativity, there are work-arounds for that.
Sure, sex is one way we connect and experience intimacy with another person, but it’s not the only way. Even when the “burning hot passion” fades, something even more meaningful can take hold. Powerful bonds are formed by sharing our vulnerabilities with one another, seeing and understanding our partner unconditionally, and supporting one another when times get tough. It’s these things that build a solid foundation, more than how many times a week you’re getting it on.
Luckily, as queer people, we have the unique perspective that it’s okay to design our lives and relationships in ways that work for us, rather than by society’s standards. Open relationships and non-monogamy are very common, as they retain what’s special about a partnership, while also being realistic about our biological drives.
Of course, communication, trust, and respect are key components in making these work. Both parties should be on the same page, including being in agreement about how much sex you’re having with each other, or outside the relationship. If that’s not the case, a conversation might be warranted.
In other words, If you’re having less sex than you think you “should” be, but you’re both actually fine with that, maybe it’s time to drop the “should.” Conversely, if you’re missing the sexual intimacy, then talk about that.
As you move towards the next 15 years, I encourage you to keep nurturing your bond. It can be easy to get caught up in the day to day grind of life, work, routine, and household duties, and it takes effort to stay connected. Find a time and place to share regularly in a meaningful way.
Sure, you might be great “friends”, first and foremost, but that doesn’t mean there are “no benefits.” Congrats again! I’m happy for you!
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
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bachy
“I’m scared I’m going to wake up in another 15 years and realize I’m married to my roommate.”
I wouldn’t be surprised if a good 50% of marriages – gay, straight, whatever – end up as “roommates” sooner or later.
gymnofrater
Statistics on successful gay couples have long supported this finding. It frustrates me that popular mythology (and even the gay media) are more interested in posting the opinions of folks trapped in societal myths rather than what research shows us actually makes people happy and a variety of types of relationships work. Every couple is different. They are not all supposed to look or act the same, or we could just marry anybody. Successful relationships succeed because they work for the people involved, not opinion polls.
Chrisk
I’ll bet if most of the long term monogamous couples had an easy option for some fresh meat they’d eagerly pounce on it though.
Fahd
This seems pretty standard based on the (gay) couples who have stayed together whom I’ve known. Companionship replaces sex over time. Of course, familiarity breeds contempt (see Queerty comments section), so I think Jake’s advice about working on the relationship, albeit sexless, is pretty important. And look out for any “mid-life” crises where the partner jets off to the Greek isles with his twenty-five year younger lover.
RoyM
Standard? Geez, I hope not! My husband and I have been together in a monogamous relationship for almost 30 years and still have a very satisfying sex life. Is it the same as it was when we were almost 30 years younger? Maybe not the same but still hot! It just takes a little longer these days and man, that slow burn is fantastic!
VTMike
My partner and I have an open relationship and almost never have sex with each other. Partly due to medical and physical issues that make it difficult for us but easier with partners who don’t share the same issues. We still love each other and just bought a house together. Sex does not make the relationship, love and respect for each other does.
still_onthemark
Oh yeah, I know the type. Comes on to me in a bar. No we can’t go to his place, we gotta go to my place. Hot sex ensues. Second or third date, he says he’s married and in a 15-year relationship. Which he somehow manages to explain in the most smug, condescending way possible. But hey, the sex is great so he’s already put me on the schedule for twice a week! Then he’s completely mystified why I’m pissed off and unenthusiastic about this.
bachy
Flip side of the coin…
GayEGO
My husband and I were together 57 years, married the last 15 years in Massachusetts. He passed away at the age of 88 and now I am a widower!
mastik8
I’m sorry about your loss.
gymnofrater
I am living in the best erotic space in my life! Much of that sex is by myself. Some of that sex is with other individuals. Some of that is erotic play with highly selective groups. And my husband haven’t has sex since year 5 of our 28 year relationship. I love him dearly and he loves me. I weep at the thought of how many loving couples have separated because our society (even gay society) buys into this toxic myth that you need to get everything from one person, and if you don’t you have to leave them and all that love to find someone else who can give you everything you need. It will never happen. Stick with the one you love. Sex and love are not the same thing, but honesty and communication will allow you to have as much as you want of both in your life.
RomanHans
“I’m scared I’m going to wake up in another 15 years and realize I’m married to my roommate.”
I’m scared you’ll be a 50-year-old man who doesn’t know that after having sex with somebody a thousand times over a dozen years the drive isn’t *quite* as strong as when it started.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Go away for a week. Don’t have sex. I’m pretty sure there will be a welcome home party … without pants.
Chrisk
I’d like to know if they’re both getting it on with others frequently. My guess is that they are. You don’t have to adhere to the monogamous Nazi’s that think even masturbation is cheating.
You may find that you have lots in common and you get along like crazy. You’re just not attracted to him in that way though and no amount of counseling or get aways to make the “heart grow fonder” will ever change that. Enjoy what you have. Life is just too damn short.
FreddieW
35 and you’re having sex with other people but never with your husband. Yes, you’re just roommates. Is there a tax advantage to your sham marriage?
Terrycloth
When every thing hurts that didn’t before. When work is less fun and fun is more work you still have each other
Even .straight couples stay together for years after the sex has gone. The love is still there.. sometimes a bottle of wine or a few beers and the lights low and the dvd player and a few good movies works for me lol. It’s not how often there is sex is when.there is and it memorable not just for sex sake