Hey Jake,
Happily married 30-something gay guy here, dealing with a not-so-happy in-law situation. For the most part, I like my husband’s family. They are accepting and supportive, and we all get along well. Except for my sister-in-law. She’s eight years older than me and honestly kind of weird.
On more than one occasion now she has asked me whether I’m a top or a bottom. She seems fascinated with knowing, and I’m not sure why. I’ve never answered because…1) I don’t think it’s any of her business and 2) My husband is her younger brother. If I answered, I’d also be sharing private information about his sex life, which I don’t understand why she wants to know about that anyway!?!?
I’ve told her before that I’m not comfortable discussing my bedroom preferences with her, but it’s almost like she’s made it her life’s mission to find out. I’ve also told my husband about it, and he doesn’t seem to think it’s a big deal. But if the situation were reversed and I were an older man constantly grilling my significantly younger sister-in-law on her favorite sexual position, I’m pretty sure everyone would agree that’s not okay.
It’s gotten to a point where I try to avoid family gatherings if I know she’s going to be there, simply because I don’t want to deal with her, and/or worry about feeling interrogated over my sex life. I feel at a total loss for what to do about it.
Brother-In-Leery
Dear Brother-In-Leery,
In case you still had any doubt, let me start by saying that this behavior by your sister-in-law is both strange and creepy. You have every right to respect your privacy and your space, and to be hesitant about sharing your sexual life with anyone, much less a family member. This is a crude boundary crossing, especially since a clear line has been drawn about what kinds of topics are not up for discussion.
When it comes to people not respecting boundaries, the only thing we can really do is to make sure to keep those boundaries solid and firm, despite the efforts to cross them. If you cave, even a little, and give your nosy sister-in-law even a tiny glimpse into your bedroom shenanigans, it sends the message that boundaries don’t actually mean anything, and can eventually be broken. Hold firm, and simply keep stating that you are not comfortable discussing those things, with the hope that eventually she’ll either stop asking or simply become bored and give up.
As queer people, we don’t have to fit into the heteronormative standards that other people do, so straight people can sometimes assume that it’s okay to treat us differently. We may appear to be more open sexually, and give ourselves more freedom to enjoy that part of ourselves, and discuss sexual matters. Because of that, someone like your sister-in-law may assume that anything and everything is on the table, and there are no limits to what can be discussed. She may just need a little crash-course reminder that even gay people have private lives.
Other times, straight people may try to throw out terms like “top” and “bottom” simply to try and align with us, and show us that they understand gay relationships and queer sexual dynamics. The intention is good–to try and show us they understand and accept us–but in doing so they can unwittingly make us feel uncomfortable, and it goes too far. The result ends up being that they push us away, rather than make us feel closer.
Because your husband’s sister isn’t a random stranger who you’ll likely never see again, you might want to take the approach of discussing your concerns with her, in hopes that the issue could be resolved permanently. You might even politely ask her why she wants to know this information.
Is it coming from an innocent place of trying to connect with you? Or is she rudely trying to entertain herself, thinking it’s harmless? Is there some unconscious homophobia happening within her, and she’s trying to resolve it in some way? Or, maybe it’s actually more about her brother, more so than you, because she feels distant from him?
Helping your hubby’s sister explore the motivation of her questioning, and even getting to the root of it, might allow for a deeper conversation that goes far beyond whether or not her brother-in-law is the catcher or the pitcher.
Once she fully understands her boundaries, and why it’s not okay to ask these questions, I wouldn’t be opposed to a little friendly jab, saying with a wink and a smile as you walk away, “By the way, did you know there’s a thing called versatile?”
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty columnist and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
HankHarris
This gives the same vibes as the straight woman at a gay bar who needs to be the center of attention.
Man About Town
There’s something wrong with this man’s husband if he thinks his sister’s rudeness is “not a big deal.”
jax florida
You could always respond by asking if she swallows.
Leo
The perfect retort.
Georgeiv2
Smile and look knowing and ask if she is sure about her own husband !
Rikki Roze
Why not tell her to ask her brother?
Joshooeerr
She sounds like a nasty piece of work, and the theorising about her motivation in the article strike me as hopelessly naive. I’d be anything that there’s some kind of power-play with her brother that stems from childhood and is all about her dominance. She wants to know so she can weaponise the information against him and retain her Big Sister position. She needs to be told very directly that her questions are rude, creepy and extremely unwelcome, and that what anybody does in the bedroom is none of her business. If she doesn’t agree to drop it immediately, then inform the rest of the family why you will not be attending any future family events. Also, make you husband step up and deal with it too. She’s his sister, and her making you uncomfortable should be something he cares about. Ditto you being comfortable at family events.
Jon in Canada
I’d just bluntly tell her to F**K OFF, in front of the family if needs be. You owe her nothing and that needs to be made absolutely, without ambiguity, clear.
winemaker
Questions like this don’t deserve a reply. Tell her it’s none of your G** damned business, period! That should shut her up. It never ceases to amaze me how people think they need to answer personal questions like this. My late mother had a great reply to rude and none of of your business questions that went like this: ‘Why do you need to know? If you’ll forigve my answer, i’ll forgive your question” This usually shut people up. Works every time, try it in situations like this.
baggins435
I don’t understand this thing about trying to understand the reasoning behind rude questions whether from total strangers or relatives. A rude question does not deserve a polite answer. If she asks again loudly ask her why she is obsessed with your, and by extension, her brother’s sex life. Do it in front of her family and make it clear you are tired of her asking and find the question intrusive and none of her damn business.
bowlingbutch
It is no one’s business what you like in bed. At one job I had,I was out and a woman I worked with sat down beside me and asked “So, you’ve never had sex with a woman?” I immediately asked her”Have you?” Then she had the nerve to say,”Well that’s a little personal” and I said “No more personal than what you asked me!!” I only tell that to agree with the person who said turn it back on the in law and ask her favorite position and if she swallows!
JJinAus
There is a significant proportion of the population that think they have the right to ask us extremely personal questions. Like we’re some freak show. I will concede that in the main, we’re not as hung up on sex as the heteros, however, we still have to right to choose when, what and where we discuss these things. Don’t know about you, but definitely not to family.
GayEGO
I would just respond – both top and bottom!