Hi Jake,
My sister-in-law is mad at me because her son just came out and she thinks it’s my fault. Let me explain…
I’m gay, and because of this she’s always joked about how there’s a “gay gene” in our family. Maybe there is. Maybe there isn’t. Who knows? (My guess is probably not.) Still, it’s been this running gag with her for years. Until recently when her 16-year-old son came out. Now suddenly the joke is no longer funny to her and she’s mad at me.
How about we take this to the next level?
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This is obviously ridiculous for a number of reasons, the main one being that if such a gene exists (again, who even knows???), her son didn’t get it from me (his uncle). He would have gotten it from his father (my brother), who got it from our parents. So the people she should be upset with are them, not me.
Furthermore, if she’s so convinced this gay gene thing is real and her kid got it from our side of the family, why didn’t she consider this before she decided to make babies with my brother in the first place? If she really, really didn’t want a gay child, she should’ve minimized the risks by marrying someone with no gay relatives. She claims she doesn’t even care that her son is gay, but her behavior says otherwise, because she’s taking this way too hard.
It makes no sense, and the whole thing is absurd, but she is legit upset at me and I don’t know how to deal with it. My brother is useless and just laughs it off. What should I do?
Genetic Agitation
Dear Genetic Agitation,
When it comes to the Karens of the world, a certain phrase comes to mind: “You can’t argue with stupid.”
I’m not saying your sister-in-law is as bad as them, but as you’ve pointed out, there is no logic at all to what she’s saying. She seems, instead, to be reacting emotionally from a place of homophobia and fear, which is coming out as misplaced anger directed at the one person she can possibly find to blame: You.
First off, even if there was a “gay gene”, you point out quite well that the lineage would have nothing to do with you, but would be passed down from your brother, which would then be passed down to your nephew. Or, even more shocking, the gene may have come from her side of the family (cue the Karen gasp!).
However, science has disproven this theory that there is one “gay gene”, so already what she’s spouting is inaccurate. According to a study that was released in 2019, there is no single gene responsible for same-sex sexual behavior.
The Los Angeles Times reported on the outcome, saying, “A new study that analyzed the DNA of nearly half a million people has found that, while genetic differences play a significant role in sexual behavior, there is no single gene responsible.”
“The findings, which looked at behavior and not sexual identity, debunk the notion of a singular ‘gay gene.’ Even when all tested genetic variants were taken into account, they collectively accounted for no more than a quarter of the same-sex behavior reported by the study participants.”
In other words, sexual orientation and behavior is a product of a complex blend of factors that influence human sexuality, including things like the environment, society, and culture.
Aside from the science not supporting her theory, the bigger issue here is the blatant disapproval for her son’s identity, and how she obviously feels about yours as well.
When a person comes out, what they desperately need at that time is someone to accept and love them unconditionally, not be angry and upset about who they are. There’s enough homophobia in our society already, and to have that from one’s own supposedly-loving caretakers is nothing short of damaging.
We all want the approval of our parents, especially when we literally rely on them for our very survival. If we’re being told directly or indirectly that there’s something unlikable or wrong about us, especially something that feels like a core essence of who we are, we begin to internalize these messages, setting the stage for low self-worth, shame, and even self-hatred.
Once your sister-in-law cools down, I might suggest you have a serious talk with her about how her anger and frustration is going to affect her child. You might even suggest she talk to an LGBTQ therapist, or consider a PFLAG meeting, to help her accept this ultimately brave and beautiful revelation from her teenage child.
At the end of the day, if it were so easy to pass on a “gay gene”, wouldn’t every queer person in the world currently be working as fast as possible to find egg donors and surrogates in order to spread it? After all, we’ve been told “world domination” is the goal of our “gay agenda”. Why not make it happen?
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
dbmcvey
I’m very concerned for his nephew.
barryaksarben
he needs to tell her of the even older theory that it is an overbearing mother. that should shut her up
NovaNardis
A co-worker of mine has a great saying. “I can explain it to you. I can’t understand it for you.”
If she doesn’t understand genetics, that’s on her. More likely, she’s just low-key homophobic. OK with other people being gay, but not her kid.
Gadfeal
That’s a good response. It reminds me of a former boss who stressed out his reports by insisting on timely reports. However, it was a reflex since he often asked for mine even when they had been submitted on time. One day, he was particularly vexing and I replied, “I have submitted my report two days ago. Do you want me to also read it for you?”
Man About Town
This happens quite often. Here are 2 examples:
1. When Chaz Bono came out to Cher, as she later admitted, “I had a very un-Cher-like reaction. My first thought was, is this my fault? Did do something to cause this?” which she knew was completely irrational but couldn’t help herself.
2. In Belinda Carlisle’s autobiography, she mentions her son Duke, 14 at the time, coming out to her and his dad Mason, who initially freaked out. As she put it, “Apparently some men are fine with interacting with gay people, until it involves their kids.”
Georgeiv2
Never heard that before but there a heck of a lot of sense there !
RIGay
He should give his sister-in-law a toaster oven.
RoyM
LW didn’t marry the hate-driven, homophobic piece of right-wing garbage, his brother did. He’s free to tell his sister-in-law to go pound sand and cut off all contact with her, and that’s exactly what he should do. SIL is not this guys family, never has been and never will be, so why on earth would LW put up with this kind of garbage?
Invader7
I’d tell the sis-in-law go educate yourself, you IGNORANT tool . Obviously stupid runs in her genetic cesspool. She is a homophobic piece of trash. I’d help the nephew as soon as he’s 18 run away from his deranged mother. She sounds like a Trumpie..!!
jax florida
Next time she brings this up one could casually comment that you hope he didn’t also get the “watersports gene.”
Fahd
Maybe give her an article from Psychology Today (her speed) on displaced or misplaced anger.; maybe information about local PFLAG meetings too.
Too bad the son’s coming out has been received with anger and blaming by his mother, someone’s support he could really use right now.
RGL
1) If I was GA, I would privately tell my brother that while his wife “may have been joking” before, but now I think she’s serious. And I’m personally offended.
2) I would have HIM communicate to HER that what she’s saying is insensitive and that I find it offensive.
3) If she did it in front of me again, I’d give her a curt “F you” smile and say “homosexuality is actually caused by a recessive gene so it would have had to come from the child’s father AND mother. Who in your family is gay?”
4) Failing all else, I’d warn my brother first but I would cuss her the F**K OUT in a way she’d NEVER forget.
5) I’d caution my brother about how his toxic wife could emotionally injure/harm their son, even if that precipitates a divorce.
6) After making a sincere attempt at being polite and reasonable, I have a take no prisoners/scorched earth policy with fools like her, even family. I’ve had to go the no contact route due to toxic/gas lighting family members.
Robby9999
Jake, in your response you mention the following:
In other words, sexual orientation and behavior is a product of a complex blend of factors that influence human sexuality, including things like the environment, society, and culture.
I disagree that society and culture can help make you gay ( although you do mention that the study was behaviour, not identity). Growing up, my culture and society did everything to ensure I was straight. It didn’t work even though I did everything to fight it.
As for the environment ( depending on definition you are using)., who knows..
Openminded
Rob, that caught me as strange also. It pretty much goes against the claim that “I was born this way”. The way I’m reading the article, it pretty much gives oxygen to the homophobic claims of Crossdressers shouldn’t be allowed to interact with kids at libraries for fear they may groom them into the lifestyle. To me, environment, society, and culture only become factors in determining if a gay person publicly comes out or remains in the closet. We are what we are, period.
dbmcvey
By “crossdressers” I assume you mean drag queens. They’re entirely different.
glennmcbride
She should be glad that she didn’t pass her stupid, homophobic gene to her kid.
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Jason
The question was covered by the very first paragraph. You can’t argue with stupid. Everything else is just discussion.
bachy
There is in fact a genetic basis for same-sex bonding. Dogs have it; they form packs, play with the same sex, and exhibit homosexual behavior. Moose do not have it; they live solitary lives in the forest, and when encountering another male will become enraged and fight to the death.
Humans have it as well; it is integral to the development of things like tribes, friendship, community building, armies, teams, and homosexuality. Without the genetic basis for same-sex bonding, human life would not be what it is today.