Hi Jake,
I have a friend who is the epitome of gay male beauty standards–tall, fit, great smile, and he looks good in almost anything he wears. He’s basically a 10 out of 10 on a hotness scale, but we’ve been friends for so long that I don’t really see him that way anymore. Clearly, I’m the exception, however, because there’s this certain energy that seems to follow him everywhere.
At first, I thought I was imagining it, but over time it has become clear that when we go out to the gay bars and other spaces, he gets more attention and better treatment than me and my other friends. Sometimes he even gets discounts and/or free stuff, especially drinks from bartenders. I’ve also seen him get his chai latte “on the house” at our local coffee shop because the barista thought he was cute. I’ve even seen him get upgraded to business class on a plane after he smiled at the gate agent.
How about we take this to the next level?
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It just seems like everyone is nicer and friendlier to him, even though I wouldn’t say his personality is any more magnanimous than the rest of ours. He can actually be kind of boring sometimes. I never really thought it was a real thing, but is there really such a thing as “pretty privilege” in the gay community?
Second Fiddle
Dear Second Fiddle,
When Thomas Jefferson penned, “all men are created equal,” he clearly did not consider the gays jockeying for another vodka soda at the bar or an upgrade on a seat assignment, which are clearly not treated as such.
Since the dawn of time, humans have been categorizing other humans based on things like gender, skin color, socio-economic status, and sexual orientation.
Society has placed value on these attributes somewhat arbitrarily, and although we can try to be aware of it, privilege is a deeply rooted sociological phenomenon that is not disappearing any time soon, I’m afraid.
“Pretty privilege” is a term that’s been circulating in our community for a while, because unfortunately, it does exist. People who are considered “average looking” tend to get overlooked, especially in more superficial settings like bars.
Even within marginalized groups like the queer community, there is often still a caste system, and for gay men, one of the ways we assess our “currency” is through physical appearance and attractiveness.
If your friend is viewed in the culture as “higher-up” in value because of his appearance, then people are just going to gravitate towards him and treat him with more reverence.
When you’re around a super hot guy, there can be an excitement. That arousal is literally chemical. Feel-good neurotransmitters like dopamine and norephinephrine get released into the brain’s reward pathway, making a person feel giddy, energetic, and euphoric. It’s no wonder they get all goo-goo eyed around your friend. His very presence is altering their brain chemistry! Add to that the superficial value we place on beauty in pop culture and social media, and that magnetism becomes all the more powerful.
That said, despite what our culture says about having a six-pack and the perfect smile, it’s important to remember that there are many other forms of currency that are just as, if not more, valuable. Traits like being of service to others, having integrity, being a good friend, and finding a way to be productive in the world are actually more sustaining for self-worth than looks, which ultimately fade.
Let’s hope that your friend has enough self-awareness to not let his “pretty privilege” get to his head, and ultimately become an a-hole. If he does, it might be your job as his buddy to check him. Sure, this may be his time in the sun, but eventually, he’ll need to know how to relate to people in a real way.
Even eye-candy has an expiration date.
Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.
still_onthemark
Sure, blame “our community” for this because straight people NEVER do anything like this!
cuteguy
I love that last line. Even eye candy has an expiration date.
Pretty privilege is in every community. At the end of the day, just like Judge Judy said, beauty fades, dumb is forever.
dbmcvey
It’s a thing in the human community. It’s not just a gay thing. It’s not fair, but it’s what happens in the entire culture.
Terrycloth
Don’t really care what the guy looks like or whats attached to his body.does he have a brain ? Somebody who can talk on many topics is sexually stimulating as well…then there’s some guys who age like milk.
man5996853
What a stupid effing post. Attractive people have always and will always enjoy advantages and perks that less attractive people of modest means will never enjoy. This isn’t a gay thing. Most human beings are at least somewhat shallow and are easily distracted by shiny, pretty things.
Man About Town
This guy sounds like he’s a graduate of the Elliot Page School of Whinery. If spending time with his “10 out of 10” friend is making him uncomforatable, why doesn’t he just spend less time with him and more time with people and activities that engage him?
As Bette Midler once said: “You can keep the pretty boys. I like a guy who can make me laugh.”
AJAnders
You seriously wrote a feature asking if pretty privilege exists? That’s like asking if oxygen exists. Or asking if you’ll get wet by jumping in a swimming pool. You know the answer going in.
Come on, Queerty. At some point you’re going to have to raise the bar on your content.
MrGoldman
I mean, are these questions real? What kind of naive adult would wonder if being attractive gives you some advantage in life?
eagerbeaver
Dear Second Fiddle: Do shut up.
FreddieW
It’s true everywhere. I knew a guy in Baptist seminary that waitresses fussed over when we went out to eat. They even gave him their phone numbers. He acted like it embarrassed him. He did have a perfect butt and tight pants that accentuated it.
Huron132
I’ll get kicked for this, but I like these silly stories and responses. We the jaded older, or experienced people know what it’s like it in the cold world. But I hope the younger, or new queers read these. They can answer something that they could have a question about. There are many of us who never knew these things and we had to learn and experience crap the hard way. So remember if you see a deer in the headlights nubeie help them make them not experience the hard way. Be kind.
andrewmpls
I was unemployed for 8 months a few years ago and I lost a lot of weight bc I ate more carefully and I had tons of time to exercise. I had already been losing weight from exercising slow and steady so this kicked it up a notch. I got so much attention at the bar, which sucked bc I was unemployed and didn’t want to meet anyone. Then I got a job, gained some weight back and now I miss the attention I used to get. Whomp whomp.
Fahd
A friend of mine changed his eyeglass frames from something less flattering to something more flattering. He’s noticed that people treat him better. Prejudice is real.
bachy
Let’s not ignore the elephant in the room: Ugly Privilege. Yes, you heard me right. I’m ugly and I’m not apologizing for the perks that come with it! Whenever I enter a crowd, people clear a path to get out of my way. Sometimes an entire bar is cleared, and it’s like I rented the space for a private party – for free. The produce aisle at Super-Walmart is my cruising kingdom – I’ve never seen another gay rule that scene like I do. And if you wonder if God makes up for my ugly face with something Big & Beautiful in my pants, you’re just gonna have to make out with me to find out, pretty little bitchez!
JOJO
Dear backy,
Your post is the best I’ve seen in a long time on this site! Keep it coming bigguy. I say this as I’m chowing down on a bratwurst, no pun intended unfortunately, lol! So much for my privilege.
markporter
Personally (at 63),i prefer ‘my sell buy date’ (sic), but some keep buyin’, occasionally. ? ?
mikhailmaui
Yes, it is real. But, it is how that hot guy handles it and treats others that matters. Had a bf for five years who did sports modeling, and he was well aware of the special treatment he received; however, he made sure that I got in on those free drinks, VIP passes etc. He actually thought it was kind of silly, but he knew damn well it was happening. His thought process was those giving him all those special perks were shallow, but hey, why turn down free drinks.
someplace
Dear Jake, is water wet, and is it wet only for gays?