My wife doesn’t know I like showing off for other guys on cam. Am I cheating?

Hi Jake,

My wife and I have been together for 11 years and I’ve only ever been with women IRL, but I’ve always said if the circumstances were right I’d be open to experimenting with another guy. Some people might call me “heteroflexible,” although I don’t like labels.

During the pandemic, I started going on video chat sites where people (mostly dudes) show off on cam. I mostly did it because I was bored. At first I would just watch, but eventually I worked up the courage to show off too.

I used to only do it from time to time, but over the past few years, it has become a more regular thing. Now I go on almost daily, and sometimes I’ll stay on for hours at a time, showing off for other guys.

My question is if I might be addicted to these sites? Also, is this cheating? My wife doesn’t know I do it, but I also don’t think she would care. It does feel like it could be getting out of hand if I’m not careful.

Am I playing with fire here?

Camera Ready

Dear Camera Ready,

I’m happy you’re giving voice to something a lot of people experience but don’t often talk about: being committed to one person, but also have curiosities or attractions to others.

We know by now that sexuality falls on a spectrum, but it can be difficult to reconcile the various parts of ourselves while also trying to remain committed to one person.

Just because you’ve only ever been with women, and you are committed to a female partner, doesn’t mean your other desires aren’t important.

You say you first dabbled in camming because you were bored, but I actually wonder if you were looking for a way to engage the other parts of your sexuality that have been previously ignored.

We all have multiple parts, and it’s never healthy to lock one part away just because it doesn’t align with the life we think we want. Sexuality is an energy, and energy needs to move and be expressed.

Camming is a logical way to dabble with another part of your sexuality while retaining some level of distance and emotional safety. Clearly, if the frequency has increased over time, it’s providing some sort of pleasure for you. Perhaps, it’s serving as a much needed release for your “heteroflexibility.”

That said, whenever I hear anyone wondering if they might have an addiction, that’s a pretty good indication to me that there’s at least something going on worth looking at.

In your case, it sounds like camming has become somewhat of a preoccupation, and you may be spending more time doing it than you’d like.

A good rule of thumb is to ask yourself if it’s getting in the way of other things in your life, or consuming a large amount of time and energy that you’d prefer was used elsewhere. Has camming become a replacement for intimacy in your marriage, for example? If so, it might be something to look at.

As for the age-old question, “Is camming cheating?”, I’d look at whether or not the behavior feels like it’s taking you further away from your wife in terms of intimacy. The true marker of cheating isn’t always the acts themselves, but how much (or little) you’re sharing this part of yourself with your significant other.

If you’re cutting your wife off from who you really are, that can feel like more of a betrayal than letting her into the process, as scary or shameful as it might feel.

Moonlighting as a guy-on-guy cam model could be just what you need to engage the full breadth of your sexuality. However, the next time you hit that record button, I’d think about what you might share with your wife about it.

If you stay in integrity and give her the respect she deserves, you’ll have more ways than one to be a “show off.”

Ask Jake is our advice column by Queerty editor and Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Jake Myers. If you have a question for Jake, please email [email protected] for consideration.