Some gay men relentlessly pursue sex with strangers, then use getting what they want against the guys who give it to them.
Catering to a guy’s sex drive doesn’t guarantee he won’t turn you loose post-afterglow. According to a 2017 Groupon survey, men are nine times more likely than women to be down with first-date sex, while 70% think you should wait until at least the fourth date. Clearly, the quasi-virginal mate is still an aspirational thing.
Gay men are probably less likely than straight men to lose respect after a first-nighter, but if you’re looking for Call Me By Your Name-style romance that lasts past summer break, only fools rush into bed.
And so the sex dilemma goes for a gay man living in various big cities, from New York to Buenos Aires to Bangkok to Cape Town to Sydney to Belgrade. I’ve lost suitors in each one by keeping my clothes on and chased away others by taking them off.
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Miloš fell into the latter column. He was a beautiful, 28-year-old Serbian with gray-flecked brown hair who hit on me in one of Belgrade’s hippest coffee bars, invited himself over to my place (less noisy and smoky), and swore he wasn’t looking for sex. Relieved because I hadn’t changed my underwear before going out, I played along.
“I never do this, but you seem like good guy…. You shouldn’t let stranger into your house. It’s OK this time because I’m a cop,” he said, pulling out his badge and handing it to me.
At the end of the 30-minute getting-to-know-you first act, he kissed me, launching into act two. Too bad he isn’t wearing his uniform, I thought as I settled into his clutch. Predictably, it soon landed on my crotch.
“I thought you said you didn’t want to have sex.”
“I know. I know. I don’t. I’m sorry. I’m being bad.”
Each time I gently pushed away one groping hand, the other would take its place. The octopus cycle continued for a half hour before I gave up and let him stick his tentacle hand under my Bonds briefs. Within an hour, he’d gotten me out of them. Afterwards, we cuddled for one minute tops, in awkward silence.
“What are you thinking?” he finally asked.
“I’m just enjoying the moment.”
I was really wondering when he would leave now that he’d gotten what he wanted.
I didn’t have to wonder long. He was out the door within 15 minutes. He wouldn’t even kiss me goodbye on the lips. I didn’t expect to ever hear from him again. I figured I’d forfeited that possibility the moment I let him take off my Bonds briefs.
I still sent him a text message a few minutes after he left, just in case:
It was nice to meet you. WhatsApp me sometime if you want to practice your English.
He responded moments later:
What did we do? I feel terrible. I really didn’t come for sex. It was wrong. I thought you were good boy.
Maybe we can see us again but only as friends. Is OK?
As I read, I fumed. Had I fallen through a #MeToo looking glass? Did I land in an imaginary world where guys like Aziz Ansari send their versions of “Grace” texts telling them they regret letting their lust rule before friend-zoning the women for not overthrowing it?
I was infuriated on principle. Despite the language barrier between us, Miloš’s meaning was clear. After instigating pretty much every aspect of our tryst, he was slut-shaming and friend-zoning me in two texts.
I felt like a high school girl who loses the boy that takes her virginity on prom night because she was too “fast.” Gay men can be just as hypocritical about sex as straight men, and I have the blow-off texts to prove it. I could read between Miloš’s lines: By giving it up so quickly, I confirmed that I’m low-quality, no longer “good boy.” It may take two to tango nude, but I was the one being slut-shamed and rejected for it.
Related: Man Who Slept With 400 People Refuses To Be Slut Shamed, Says There’s No Such Thing As Too Much Sex
Why are some gay men so weird about sex with strangers? They pursue it relentlessly, then use getting what they want against the guys who give it to them. It’s why many of us to refuse to even entertain the possibility that a Grindr hook-up could lead to something more. If he’s that easy, he can’t possibly be dating material.
Is there a certain amount of self-loathing involved? Do we disrespect ourselves as much as we disrespect the guys who put out for us? Judging from the rest of our exchange, Miloš was saving most of his disrespect for me.
So… you come over to my place after saying you aren’t looking for sex, and you can’t keep your hands off my crotch while you are here, I wrote to him after taking a few minutes to cool off.
We end up naked because YOU push it, and then you say you just want to be friends because I’m not good boy?
No, I do not want to be friends, because you are not good enough to be my friend.
Yes, I went there, and he gave back as good as he got.
Maybe you need to stop blaming others for what goes wrong and start looking at your own actions, he responded in curiously flawless English. Maybe then you’ll see that the problem might be you.
I wish you the best.
I wondered if he had been looking in the mirror (and at Google Translate) when he wrote that. I had considered my actions. I’m still considering them. That’s why I’m writing this.
I hadn’t blamed him for anything that happened until he used it to friend-zone me. I regretted giving in to his groping and my own desperate need for affection. But couldn’t he have just ghosted me like a normal guy?
I decided to do unto him as I wish he’d done unto me. I deleted him from my phone after ignoring his final text apologizing for offending me. Then I vowed to be more adamant the next time I swat away a hand that goes too far south.
If I’m going to feel dirty after hooking up, I’d rather it be just because I didn’t change my underwear beforehand.
Related: What are the rules when it comes to hooking up with a friend’s Grindr date?
Frank
You will never know what is in a person’s head or heart during a hook up…
Some men are charmers because that is the way they disarm you and get what they want and leave.
If you want something more attempt to set the stage for it; between 11 PM and 6 AM most men want sex (it is a natural urge) and this can make them blind to ANY and ALL signals that you are sending regarding “wanting more”…
Most men do not revisit the same old trick and FB seem to only work when the other person or maybe both are attached and they need a reliable partner.
CastleSF
It’s a lesson we all need to learn: most men are willing to sink so low, sometimes way below their bottom line, in order to get what they want. Beware of charmers and sluts. They are the worst.
ChrisK
I’m just wondering if Miloš ins’t really Danny595 aka CastleSF.
I think he’s just over thinking it. Maybe he just wasn’t that great of a lay. Sounds like it to me.
frankcar1965
It sounds like that hater too, I wish he’d go jump off the Golden Gate and rid all of us of HRM self.
Brian
A Groupon survey?
Heywood Jablowme
Yeah, that jumped out at me too. Why the fk would Groupon be doing a SEX survey? Were they promoting a 20% discount on prostitutes? (Or whatever is the politically correct term for hustlers nowadays.)
Donston
I think it’s different for different people. I’ve just never been a hook up person. I had a single one-night stand, and I was drunk out of my mind. It’s just not my thing. However, I did have sex with my husband the first time we met in person. But we had already communicated for a couple weeks prior. So, perhaps that’s a bit different situation.
Honestly, I expected this topic to be about something else.
Kangol
Milos sounds conflicted. The key language was referring to another grown adult as a “good boy.” I mean, seriously? Good that the author cut him loose. On the other hand, if the author didn’t want to have sex and didn’t want to be pawed until he gave in, why not just say, Look, I’m not into this, so you should leave? I’m sure there are many more willing guys running around Belgrade, no?
Sex on the first date–or just sex for sex’s sake–is fine if you and the other person are into it, but if not, tell the other person you’re not feeling it/him, and either take a walk yourself or ask him to do so, especially if he’s sending out mixed signals like this Milos guy. It’s only going to lead to drama, including heartache, heartbreak and worse, if you don’t nip it right away.
ChrisK
Because Milos is a “beautiful, 28-year-old Serbian with gray-flecked brown hair”. You too would be throwing your ass in the air the minute Milos came to the door. That is what people just do if you’re hot according to the author.
CastleSF
According to the author, this Milos claimed that he was not looking for sex but his actions betrayed his intention. People like Milos know that they are almost always successful in getting what they are after if they are being persistent. They don’t take no for an answer and they pressure you until you cave in. This is a cautionary tale for all.
frankcar1965
The bitch wanted it but just wanted to play coy, they do it all the time. Now he wants to whine to everyone. BooHoo for you.
troyfight
^So true, sfhairy….also I think top comment, Frank, is also spot on. Just need to learn (including me)….
chris33133
If you’re still fully clothed, it’s too soon because it won’t work — well, unless you have a drill, but, nah. Otherwise, it’s up to each person to decide what works for him.
tham
Gays “slut shame” each other now? How?
Serenity333
Amazing how people let strangers get to them and have no sense of self. Both idiots.
Brian
Isn’t what happened in this story almost identical to what happened in the Topher DiMaggio story, where Queerty was going along with calling it rape? Now it’s just slut shaming?
PinkoOfTheGange
No, Jeremy never said no or stop.
This isn’t even a Grace/Aziz-bad date.
Jaxton
Why shouldn’t I slut-shame you if you’re a slut? If you are one, own it and stop pretending otherwise.
Shame is not necessarily a bad thing.
CastleSF
I see slut-shaming as a useless practice. Most sluts are dead set on, or even proud of, their outrageous behaviors. They don’t appear to have any sense of shame or decorum and resist every bit of sensible advice. They are the ones, like most stubborn people, who have to learn the hard and painful way. Sadly some would rather die than change.
Armiya
Wow @castlesf aren’t you the Valedictorian of woke?
frankcar1965
Castle needs to STFU and go kill himself right away.
sanfranca1
their…they’re is a contraction for they are.
AndThenTheresMax
We need to get rid of the title “Slutshaming” The hell is that? Just like we need to abolish “non binary” and “gender neutral”. These are just ridiculous titles to confuse everyone and make things even more convoluted than they have to be. Full stop.
Cylest Brooks
All three terms are actually very simple to understand. I run with a whole crowd full of people who understand them just fine.
I think that it seems convoluted to you because your brain is used to a binary. Change is hard, for sure, but NB people are not going away no matter how much you wish we could just “abolish” them. Get on board or die mad.
frankcar1965
They are only Slutshaming because they wanted to get laid and didn’t, so now they’re angry at themselves for missing out.
DCguy
The article is also written with the premise that all of these hoockups of the authors don’t have any baggage.
The Croation is a cop in a country that is notoriously anti-lgbt. SO it could be VERY typical for him to go out, have sex, then deal with shame for a while until he’s ready to start the cycle again. Not a great sample for an article on whether or not men are being slut shamed.
tnguy222
Personally, I find myself attracted only to guys who don’t put out due to my pressure. Once I get to hit it, whenever, wherever I please, I lose interest because it is no longer a challenge.
Boys, don’t be afraid not to put out. There are some guys (like me) who prefer chaste guys.
DCguy
But you just wreck your own comment, and exposed yourself as a troll.
1. Nobody uses the word “Chaste” outside of Evangelicals circles.
2. You already stated that as soon as you sleep with them you’re out the door, so why bother with you in the first place.
Seriously, you trolls have GOT to get better at this.
CastleSF
@DCguy. What universe have you been living in? I and many people use the word chaste quite often. Not in the traditional way but in a more spiritual way. You are the one who is out of touch with the reality. In addition, just because we don’t agree with you doesn’t make us trolls. Stop your delusional thinking.
DCguy
Oh suuuure, yeah, MANY people use it.
I also notice you didn’t comment on the part where……why should anybody bother with you? You just announced that the second you sleep with somebody you’re out the door, so why would anybody bother with somebody loaded down with your massive amount of baggage?
But please, keep on trying, Oh, and as long as you’re pretending you use the word “Chaste” you may want to try some of these other similar and opposite terms. Trollop, Pure, Unclean, Unsullied, defiled, Vestal, Undefiled, wanton
But again, since you were lying in the first place, please don’t think you can fool ANYBODY into thinking that anybody BUT an Evangellical troll or a Russian who doesn’t know American slang well would use the word “Chaste”.
But nice try there Nikita
teeohpee
I met my ex, naked at a sex party. We were together 16 years and adopted a son. I met my current boyfriend as a hookup and we have been together 5 years now. You can find love and family everywhere. Don’t limit yourself because you never know when you’ll find it.
sfhairy
Preach!
CastleSF
@tnguy, your perspective as the person who does the pressuring is refreshing. Courtship between two men is a mind game and power play. The one being pressured needs to learn to stand up for himself if he ever wants to the other guy to have a deep respect for him.
DCguy
Only if both of them are monsters carrying a ton of baggage.
frankcar1965
We just wish your MOUTH was chaste.
sfhairy
thank you proper word police.
assiandude
I feel for the author of the article for this negative experience, but he seems to blame Milos for not wanting to pursue a relationship and felt the need to invoke “slut shaming”.
The article however started with the more interesting topic of should he have sex on the first date or not? It depends on what he wants. If he mainly wants sex, then go for it. If he wants to get to know someone before getting sexual, wait. A few of my friends wait if they are really interested in a longer relationship and go for sex if they don’t care that much.
The author is approaching it from “what do men want?” which really depends on individuals. He should focus more on what he wants and be true to that.
CastleSF
You need to correct your screen name if you meant to say you are an Asian dude. You are the first guy I know of that somehow managed to misspell a simple word.
Cylest Brooks
Really CastleSF? Really? He’s the FIRST GUY you know of to ever misspell a word?
You are not a dog; you do not have to prove that you’re the alpha here. This comment is rude for the sake of being rude.
I’m not deleting it because I want to make sure you see this response. This is a violation of our comment policy. In the future, these kinds of comments will be deleted.
You’re a grown ass man. Do better.
Greg
I wouldn’t call this a slut shaming. Milos was talking about himself. He was having his own icks. I don’t see why this guy got mad. It was a one night stand. Did he think it was going to be the love of a lifetime. If he felt slut shamed, it was because he gave in and gave it up. If he didn’t want to do it, he didn’t have to. Just like that guy who said Topher raped him even though he said no, but gave in. Stop blaming others because of the decisions you make.