Is Nothing Sacred??

No More Pouting For Mikey Lucas

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You soon won’t recognize Michael Lucas. It seems the Russian-born porn star – pictured above circa 1977 – has been fitted with braces to fix his overbite. As his teeth get pushed back, so too will his signature pout:

A long, long time ago I was diagnosed with a deep overbite, which gives me–along with other unpleasant things–the appearance that my lower lip is full and falling out of my face. It gives the illusion that I purposefully pout for the camera… Well now there will be no way for that to happen, as my new retainer keeps my jaw in the right position. And in about five months I will have to undergo a procedure that will further bring my jaws together in the right position. So no more pouting!

What?!? No pout? Not even a little one just for old time’s sake? How will we recognize you, Michael? What will we do? Won’t someone stop this line of rhetorical questioning?

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As if being called metal mouth Michael isn’t mortifying enough, Mr. Lucas can’t seem to wrap his tongue around his words:

…This [retainer] impairs my speech, and not at all in a sexy way.

It’s the first time in my life that I have compassion for all the speech-impeded people on this planet. I really have no idea how people who can’t pronounce the letter “s” can get laid. I even tried phone sex… and got hung up on. As soon as I said the word “stroking,” “sex,” “sucking” or anything like that, all I got was a dial tone in return. Very frustrating. What a cruel world!

Indeed. There has never, ever been a greater injustice. Not even in Germany seventy years ago this month.

Never fear, though, readers, Michael won’t talk like six-year old forever. When his overbite’s taken care of, he’ll be back to his old, oratorially masterful self. Except, of course, for what he describes as his “horrifying” Russian accent.

At least somethings are sacred..